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Addicted to constant stimulation/drugs

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Addicted to constant stimulation/drugs

Postby Aphoticdream » Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:01 am

I hate feeling anything bad- i feel like i had enough of that my entire childhood and well into adulthood from a horrid family. I love my family but in a very detached way and i cant say ANYTHING without it being brought down. I did the "im so healed" garbage for years and it never got me anywhere..Tons of self help books and videos for YEARS being sober and succeeding at things never made me feel much better... when i accomplish things i feel just as dead.. You cant counsel this out. AM i being a defeatist ? Yes.. but i see it as reality. I refuse to lie to myself.

I'm 33 now... i stayed sober for 13 years (after hard 6 year drugs and drinking) but was always juggling 3-5 relationships with women ALL the time and now nothings changed except i've relapsed AND "control it" because its only twice a week and i'm not physically addicted to the substances this way.. but now of course after a year and a half i find myself just WAITING for the 2 "obliteration days" to arrive so i can go thrill seeking and be ###$ up. Problem is i thrill seek anyways and i'm never happy fully with anyone.. I'm going to guess im a male bpd... supposedly rare but im not buying it. I have every single symptom of MANY personality disorders though.. Im "charming " and very good with people but very intense which in time ruins things. I get all my responsibilities done and my job is my HOBBY so i make decent money and am very good at money management. I cant type out my life story here as 20 phone books worth would be scratching the surface of what i "feel" The issue is i need CONSTANT stimulation and im tired of being immature in this sense... Finding relationship with girlfriend BORING because its not chaotic like my family life was.. I attract to that garbage.. I isolate a lot and only socialize when i need some type of thrill or to vent. I have done a lot of good things for people as well but now i've quit as i see people as complete trash including myself.. but i've already detached from caring how I FEEL. If i'm not reading and absorbing info to learn something... i'm on 3 dating sites at once and managing multiple text messages from girls... its just pathetic.. yet the other side of me says "###$ it who cares? who's around?" When i go to counseling i talk circles around the counselors and they tell me "you just need better people" i'm like ???? I feel that is just reinforcing narcissism... why would you do that? They dont get it... and they tell me to stop "reading all this mumbo jumbo online about disorders" and im like wait.. "stop trying to help myself"? I find it just very pathetic. I feel like REAL help costs 300$ an hour.. so they can push your buttons and make you jerk tears out to trigger words about your childhood.. in which case i get up and leave. There are MANY more problems i have but im not typing this all out. I hope someone can shed some advice or at least identify with this morbidity. (did not proof read this so if there's typos.. i can spell)

How can i tone down the insanity of my mind?? I cant grow up .. yet im grown up... i have my own house and a job and a nice car et.. who cares? People think this is the end of life... It feels stagnant to me...
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Re: Addicted to constant stimulation/drugs

Postby SunshineSam » Sun Dec 10, 2017 9:02 pm

Hi,
Interesting post. I too am addicted to constant stimulation, and drugs, I get virtually no thrill when people buy me things as a surprise, I always need something more reinforcing. I think when you abuse drugs u raise ur brain's idea chemically and emotionally of what a feel good high is. therefore when someone brings u a gift it just doesn't compare to the high you had on drugs so the same release of dopamine and fun neurotransmitters don't fire to the same extent. You have to fake the response almost. There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep doing new things and getting new things/experiences. that's life. As humans we also are always looking for the next best thing, we want what we can't have and want more of what we have to work for. that's all normal.

I used to be seriously addicted to prescription stimulants, still am to some extent I just can't get them anymore. I know it's for the better but I think I was definitely getting cleaner drugs when they were from the doctor than going and getting street versions lol
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