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High functioning alcoholic with Anxiety, OCD, Depression

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High functioning alcoholic with Anxiety, OCD, Depression

Postby obsess » Fri Apr 07, 2017 9:48 pm

Hi all, just writing this to vent if that's okay. Maybe some people are going through a similar situation.

I have very long term anxiety (history of BDD, left school at 12 with no further education, didn't leave the house for 5 years). I've worked and been at university for 9 years (I'm 29). I am in the process of divorcing, after coming out of a very abusive marriage a year ago (narcissist, manipulative, verbally and physically abusive, refused to work and I was paying for our entire life while studying medicine). My husband was a very heavy drinker and a general addict type personality. As alcohol was always in the house, I started drinking and I realised it helped me feel a lot less anxious and depressed. I also started smoking - cigarettes and "legal" weed - the disgusting chemical crap that's now illegal. He was an angry drunk, I was always and still am a happy and calm drunk.

I am currently in my final semester of my degree and expectations are high. I must display all of my knowledge, as well as people skills and time management. This is hard when I am completely burned out and drinking half a bottle of scotch a day. I'm doing well overall in clinical practice, but there are some criticisms, especially with my time management. I can produce knowledge and good treatment plans but I can't do all of that in superspeed, my brain is fried. I am terrified of failing (even though I'm not as far as I know, but anything could happen). I'm also working part time as a nurse, now I've caught a cold... I feel like my body will collapse. I know what I need to do fir my health, but I need to finish this first. The finish line feels so close yet so far. I live in constant fear
And when this is over, my OCD brain will find something else to feel suicidal over.

I have a partner who I went straight from my ex husband to. Not the healthiest of entries into a relationship but we were friends for 7 years and had feelings for each other for a long time that we never discussed with each other (worked together with no fraternization policy, I was married, so it was a pipedream). We love each other very much but my drinking scares him. He also has anxiety and OCD, but I'd say my mental illness causes him more stress, than his does for me. I just feel like this stupid degree will never end and I'm waiting to be free and live... I feel like I've been in prison for 8 years emotionally.

My husband is resisting divorcing me out of pure laziness, and he claims to gave got a girl pregnant within days of knowing her and ran off to the country she originates from with her. He said we were never having kids and that he'd rather die than have them, so it was quite confronting for me to hear at the time. Feels like he gets everything he wouldn't let me have and no consequences for abusing me through my teens and 20s. The relationship was 12 years long.

I am feeling overwhelmed and scared my body won't hold out until the end of the semester... and I'll have final exams.
Thank you for reading my soap opera
29, female, divorcing+in a relationship, INFJ.
Medical Dx - BDD, OCD, Panic disorder/GAD, Depression, Perfectionism, Alcoholism, Derealisation.
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Re: High functioning alcoholic with Anxiety, OCD, Depression

Postby NewSunRising » Sat Apr 08, 2017 3:35 pm

Hugs , if you want some , Obsess !

It sounds like school is really stressing you out , on top of everything else you have to deal with .

Have you tried cutting down or going without drinking for any period of time ?

Venting is OK ! I'm sorry you're struggling with things .
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Re: High functioning alcoholic with Anxiety, OCD, Depression

Postby Pietmond » Mon May 01, 2017 4:57 am

Hi Obsess

I don't know how easy it is for you to get a script for Naltrexone without getting you in trouble, but I have started using it and it makes a huge difference. Not being hungover half the time helped me function a lot better. It goes without saying that you need help with your anxiety etc. You are an intelligent person and obviously knows that. Get the pill if you can - just to give yourself a breather. You need to talk to someone before you burn out. Cyber hugs from this side. Let us know how you are doing.

Kind regards
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