Our partner

Please, I just need a good word.

Stuttering message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: seabreezeblue

Please, I just need a good word.

Postby Blankracoon » Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:46 am

My name is Jake, I'm 16 y.o. and I've been stuttering for all my life. Now the weight on my shoulders is just too much - I thought that I was strong all my life, but it seems like I've been weak and it's breaking me. I know that I have to be strong or whatever, but I just can't anymore - I'm so so tired, I have nothing left to fight this anymore. I just feel as bad as a person possibly can.
I have no strength left to even have a breakdown and cry or fall in depression and wallow in my pain - I just can only breath right now, that's all I have strength to do.
I feel no future, there's no past and 'now' is between it (if you know what I mean). Even if I get threw it, what will I do in my future? What work, what education? I don't even have a future, there's no point on doing anything anymore. My mother thinks that I don't stutter that much anyways and that I had moments in my life when I had no speech problems at all, but I know - she doesn't know me at all anymore and I think that she never did, she's just trying to make me believe that I'm lying to myself; and maybe I am, maybe I don't have that big of a problem... it still hurts.
Am I selfish when I look at someone who has lost a leg or an arm and I wish that I was in his/her place? Am I so wrong when I just want people to leave me alone by yelling at them, as that's the last possible way of speech that I have? Why can't I just stay silent, why can't they let me not talk? <<I once did try not to talk at all - for a moth I did not say almost anything at all and that was the best time in my life, but they offended me of a bad behavior and threatened me that I would get kicked out of the school; that's what they said after giving me a bunch of bad grades for not speaking - who needs thous grades anyways if I don't have a future to begin with?>> Why can't they just allow that... do I have to cut off my tongue to have that little joy in my life... does a person has to commit a suicide for others to notice his pain...

I'm sorry, I just... I need a hope right now, just a good word or something. I need some strength so that I can at least hide my pain.
Blankracoon
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:06 am
Local time: Tue May 21, 2019 12:52 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Please, I just need a good word.

Postby royalbeebe » Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:44 pm

Hi Jake, my mid teens were my worst years of all. I have been where you are and still visit there every time I need to job search. It is very hard to live in a talking world. I will tell you what I do know that has helped me a lot. I developed a different mannerism for speaking that helped in ever day conversations that allowed me to change the words that mean the same or something similar that will do. But that does not work when answering questions that require a specific answer. Most people never knew I stuttered unless they spent time with me in situations like school and such. I too tried the speechless approach with negative effects. As a junior in high school my speech was worse do to anxiety, so I quit school and worked to get my diploma through night school and started working full time at my after school job cleaning automobiles. I developed a a strong work ethic and improved my personality where most people saw me as a very disciplined individual, but that had it's own problem. Everyone I worked for wanted me to run what ever business I was working at, not knowing how much effort it took to communicate at all. So I have declined all offers in the past. I ended up getting married at age 24 and helped raise my wife's niece and nephew and a couple years later became A stay at home dad for my two daughters. I am now 48 years old and need to start looking for work again. I have been doing house repairs and refinishing furniture for an added income to the family. But I now have some health problems that keep me from doing that kind of work and I have no education to fall back on. Now that you can see that there can be a future, it is best to enter it with an education. But that is nearly impossible for a stutter so I will tell you what has helped me. One is that I have been taking a anti anxiety drug that is very effective in helping to control stuttering and the anxiety that it feeds on. I don't know if there is an age restriction on it or not, but it is called EFFEXOR. The second is using your resources in getting an education. Ask your school if there are programs for students with speech impairments. Some schools will allow students to tutor through some subjects like speech class and still make the grades. Government agencies can sometimes have programs that can help. Talk to your mom about how hard it is to speak in the way that she sees as easy speaking, and how much harder it is to get through the "blocks". And that you have no control over them. She will need to support you in trying to get through this part of your life and she will most likely enjoy sharing the time with you solving a problem and not fighting against you. Do some research on a drug called "Pagoclone", it is going to be released sometime next year and is showing great results for stutterers. They have learned that stuttering is most likely caused by too much dopamine in the area of the brain that controls speech and anti anxiety meds help straiten out the problem. Some speech methods will still need to be learned as it is not a cure, but a tool that can make a big difference.I hope this helps you out of a persecuting situation. The meds are the best thing I have found so far in fighting this curse, but it takes awhile to notice the effects, but using every thing you can to help is important.
royalbeebe
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 4:28 pm
Local time: Tue May 21, 2019 10:52 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Please, I just need a good word.

Postby theNomad » Sun Feb 26, 2012 10:12 pm

Hey Jake, I hope you are feeling better. I would like to add soem more to what royalbeebe has said. I am 24 now, which means I was once 16 too. I still stutter, sometimes a lot sometimes not so much. I dont consider myself cured and I am not here to tell you techniques to help you not stutter.

I think you are in the most difficult age for a stutter. I think this is the age when you are trying to find yourself and your place in society. And not being able to communicate properly, not being to say what you want and express your opinion is frustrating. Coming to the issue with your mother. I know parents can be more understanding but lets face it, not all parents are perfect. My parents never really gave it a serious thought either. They noticed my stammering but thought it would go away on its own or that I need to talk more or meet new people and stuff. I know none of that works or at least none of that is very doable. So I guess you have to deal with it yourself, which I think you have already started by posting here. Keep it up, dont stress yourself too much, life is not as tough as you might be imagining it right now.

About you feeling selfish about wanting to be impaired and all. I had exact same feelings once. I wished something just happened to me and I wont have to do anything. Like it would give me this big excuse. I would not have to deal with people and even if i did I would not have to feel ashamed because I was handicapped or something. I think we feel this because we stutters look normal to people and people behave normal with us until they hear us speak. Then all of a sudden we are not normal or cool anymore. Its a cruel joke. I always wish there was a way person in front of me could know in advance I stutter. Anyway I could go on about this, but in summary all I can say is, this feeling is stupid and you know it, it will pass soon. Its just that you are young now and dont really have anything going for you maybe. Just focus on your life, do things you like. One day you will feel yourself important enough and see how much you would have lost if you went through that path.

I actually wrote stuff down for people. I went to a restaurant and pointed stuff in the menu. If you have to do that do it. Whatever you have to do try to keep your sacrifices minium. Look you sound like a smart guy. I consider myself a little smart too :]. If nothing else works, just stop caring about what people think.. I know this maybe bad advice but if its the only way then take it. This is what I do sometimes. I dont have a lot of friends. I dont have a big social life. I mostly find people stupid. I dunno maybe I have just put mental walls around myself.. but hey I am not depressed and I do a lot of stuff. And school maybe tough with kids picking on you. Dont worry about the grades too much but do keep faith in education. People will be dumb, they will laugh at anything they dont understand.. hell wouldn't you find stammering funny if you didn't stammer? Its an opportunity for you to grow. Dont make fun of others with any condition. We should know better.

Seriously Jake, dont give up man. You can live on to be a good person. People who have suffered like us know what it feels like. Finding jobs and stuff maybe tough, I agree. But what the hell be smart and make up for it :].
theNomad
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2012 8:00 pm
Local time: Tue May 21, 2019 10:52 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Stuttering Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest