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make you love me

Open Discussions About Stalking and Harassment.

Re: make you love me

Postby Footsie » Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:48 pm

oh, please. that's only half the equation and you know it. you don't start with a flourish with the intent of ending with a whimper. if you did you just wouldn't start at all. and in the same way you still wouldn't be here if you really wanted them to hate you.

it's just... it's just that you don't understand the image. it doesn't make any sense to you.

no, wait. it's not a matter of not understanding. it's the opposite. it's that you understand the process that must take place. it's a process of differential, like all processes, physical or psychological.

look, why does heat flow? a temperature differential. why do electrons flow? an electrical potential differential. why do dissolved particles migrate? a concentration differential. pressure differentials cause matter to flow and so on. the universe strives towards equilibrium.

the same is true of psychological processes, only the differential has to do with images, conceptions, of self, objects, and situations. ego, id, and superego all seeing things differently. it is the corresponding differential which drives our thoughts and ultimately our actions. it is the attempt to reconcile the images which drives us in everything we do. either change the reality, change the expectation, or change the interpretation. this is the core of our experience. it is why we pursue "truth."

this system has its pros and cons, but in your case there's a big problem. see, for most, the way it's supposed to work is that you want something and you attempt to change reality to make the images mesh. "i want 24" biceps." and so i make the images match (reality and desire) by changing reality to match the desire. if changing reality becomes too difficult, then the expectations have to change. or i can just delude myself and measure my biceps with a faulty measuring tape. but anyway you cut it, the images must be reconciled or they must be discarded. otherwise the differential will force psychological and/or behavioral action. it's a law of psychology; it can't be any other way.

that's how it's supposed to work. but what if the desire is enormously large? what if the desire is so gigantic and ludicrously over-sized that it is always deemed unachievable? then every desire will automatically destroy itself. so here the process is, they see a $100 bill, i see a $10M jewel-encrusted crown, they see a $100 bill, and so i see a pile of ashes and then burn the $100 bill. the chasm -- the differential -- between the grandiose self-concept (the desire), and the normal self-image (not reality, per se, but a skewed interpretation of it), is so ridiculously inflated that it's easier to simply scuttle the whole thing and make reality look like my vile self-image. in more concrete terms (though still abstract), the process plays out like this:

-i think i'm dogshit
-she thinks i'm pretty interesting
-i think i'm the greatest ######6 thing that has ever existed
-she thinks i'm pretty interesting
-the gap between what she thinks and the grandiose self is so much larger than the gap between what she thinks and the $#%^ stain i consider myself to be that i throw a monkey wrench into the works by ######6 her over
-she thinks i'm dogshit
-i think i'm dogshit
-everything in my head makes sense

this is what i was writing about (in a very abstract way) when i said i wanted her to burn my junk off with 10,000 volts. i love her, i want her. she's amazing. i want her to think i'm amazing. but no. it can't be that. how could she think i was amazing? i'm vile. i want her to hate me. i want her to loathe me. good. good. yes. emasculate me. do this for me. hate me. hate me because i love you. otherwise the images will never reconcile. it's the only way. we can either spiral upwards or spiral downwards. and downwards is the only realistic option.

----

she still gets me sometimes. i still go through the cycles, although their amplitude has been severely diminished. (gabby jay!) i'll think i'm in a good place, struttin' around like i own the place, and then some image or idea will come into my head that knocks me on my ass.

there's sort of a Catch-22 that's developed here. i'll see if i can describe it. my self-image has become intertwined with her. a self-object concept. it is the way my mind defines myself -- in relation to this girl. when something good happens and i feel good about myself -- regardless of what it was -- my self-image improves. but because my self-image is completely tied to this girl, my image of her and our bond improves as well, since that's part of my self-image. (or rather, it is my self-image.) for me, feeling good is feeling separated from this girl, apart from her. only when i feel good, that means i conceive of myself as being closer to her -- that our bond is stronger. but of course that just strengthens the attachment and leads to more pain. and then this whole process starts over again. separating -> feeling good -> increased attachment -> feeling like $#%^ -> separating -> feeling good (lewis -> looking good billy ray!) -> increased attachment.

my own mind is working against itself on this one and it's annoying. i don't know what to do about that except keep biding my time as the image slowly fades away or transfers to something else (which is more likely).
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Re: make you love me

Postby Footsie » Wed Mar 12, 2014 2:00 am

up 8 at half. nah, nah. tight 'til the whistle. no team in i for sure. for sure. make it five-four at the bell. extraordinary. and there it is.

make it real, baby. play it again. how many nights removed? that's what this is, ain't it, Mo? that's what it is.
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Re: make you love me

Postby Footsie » Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:27 am

ain't it funny, Mo. you got 3 little kids, you whistle when you talk, and i finally know what you look like. funny, ain't it? what's it been? maybe 16 years? hopefully 16 years from now she'll be just like you. her teeth are certainly ###$ up enough.
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Re: make you love me

Postby Footsie » Sat Mar 15, 2014 1:56 am

beware the Ides of March. right, Caesar? you asshole. you died of your hubris, remember? i suffer from no such affliction.
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Re: make you love me

Postby Footsie » Sat Mar 15, 2014 6:39 am

i have a buddy who basically is Sterling Archer. he looks exactly like him and has the same personality, except for the womanizing. i helped him get a full-ride and then graduate. he lent me his car.
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Re: make you love me

Postby Otter » Sat Mar 15, 2014 7:33 am

I have no idea who Sterling Archer is, but I'm glad he lent you his car (if you really needed it).
Image Otter Space Man
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Re: make you love me

Postby cherlyn » Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:42 pm

Hello, Foot. I haven't been here in a while. Things are not better. This person is still obsessed, and has completely objectified me as the true devil, amd the only thing in her life is vengeance.

Our federal lawsuit is still dragging on. Her legal aid lawyers did eventually fire her. 3 wreks before the trial was scheduled. Nice they can just bow out, but not me. My lawyer has been appointed a judge, so he's outtie, too. Nice. Everyone else cam just say "I'm done." Amd leave me to deal with the mess they started.

She can be charming and manipulative, like a sociopath.

When charges were dismissed in Jan because of some bs can't count previous incidents, cops and da just lie to me. Then a 2AM visit hanging a crucifix on my car.

We now have 2 trials coming up. Just renewed my restraining order and of course she shows up to argue about it. Even though she is charged with violating it.

Will never stop till she is in the ground.

It is so troubling to think she just dwells on me and getting me every waking moment. So I try to not think about it. I am getting better. Now a potential encounter only knocks me out of commission for a day or so, maybe I sleep more for a week.

Better than ending up in bed, unable to eat or do anything for a week.

How are you? I can't tell from your postings and it has been a while... I hope you have been able to hang onto that euphoric feeling of insight more and more.
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Re: make you love me

Postby Futsal » Wed Dec 10, 2014 2:28 am

cherlyn, it's good to hear from you although I wish your circumstances were better. I'm very sorry to hear that you're still slogging through the legal process and that her behavior hasn't improved. You're doing the best you can do and that's really all you can control. This will eventually end; that is assured. Whether it ends through legal means or her incapacitation or death, you will eventually be free of this woman. It may come sooner or later, but it will come.

It's great to hear that you're becoming more resilient in dealing with the setbacks and encounters. I know how easy it can be to lose sight of such incremental improvement, but also know how satisfying it can be to realize that things have gotten better. What you described is exactly what I've been experiencing for years now. At first the setbacks are crushing, nearly traumatic. Then they're debilitating. Then they're just very painful. Eventually they're a nuisance. There are ups and downs along the way, certainly, but the direction is one of improvement. Try to take some comfort in that -- acknowledge and appreciate it. And remember that that improvement will likely progress as it already has.

Hoping earnestly that things go your way in court and in every facet of your situation.
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Re: make you love me

Postby Labrys » Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:21 pm

This thread has boggled my mind. I have PTSD, from a stalking by a former best friend. I was raised by a narcissist, and my main goal in life has been to be loving, but I see how it can lead to major issues. I have been on the other side of of the deity one moment, maggot the next, with never an exclamation of how I fell short of the construct. It landed me in the hospital, for when it came down to asking questions about what was going on inside him to make him lash out, he found it did not fit with something he would have done or imagine me to do, and so he dropped me from his life publically, by stalking privately, even through my computer, not only to keep dibs on me, but to steal any information he could and edit and rewrite it to suit his needs. Telling lies about me to others and on social media, and building a bullying and shaming squad aimed in my direction comprised of the less intelligent or apathetic. I endured the most vicious behavior, lies, threats, and anything thrown at me possible to make me potentially suffer. I have so much to say about this, and am so intrigued that it follows closely a blueprint of my former friendship. It is very intriguing to get a glimpse of the greater mechanisms underlying these types of associations. I thank Foot and the other posters.
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