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Is narcissism fueling my harrassment of my ex?

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Is narcissism fueling my harrassment of my ex?

Postby ringkichard0811 » Sun May 28, 2017 1:36 am

I love her...by whatever my definition of love is. But have a difficult time restraining my behavior. When I say I love her, I don't show it by continually going nutso on her, blowing up her phone email, FB. How she has not gotten the cops sicked on me is beyond me.

Saying I am ashamed of this behavior is an understatement, given the level of remorse and shame and self disgust I feel. Denial that I may have caused her further emotional damage to carry with her forward in life and onto other relationships.

I am more or less pathologically selfish and dishonest...so much so that I can just as easily deceive myself as someone else. Denial is handy. But I don't want to be an abusive and manipulative narcissist. I want to have healthy relationships with people. Still want to be with her, but have to try to remember a personality disorder is driving my impulse to keep harassing her.

Only a narcissist could think he would have any entitlement to speak and plead his case with a woman whose phone he smashed, and car window punched in a parking lot with her kids in the car. I genuinely felt remorseful for it, but it wasn't until I realized I was passively devaluing her feelings and worth by not stopping to first think about how it would impact her before harassing her in the first place.

It makes so much more sense to me now...why I am so messed up, and awful even at times. Why I take advantage of and manipulate others. And I hate myself for it. Because the deception I told myself about who I was, was so much more appealing than this truth.

I don't want to be like this anymore. There used to be a point in my life where I wasn't a complete piexe of filth. What happened? What do I do?
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Re: Is narcissism fueling my harrassment of my ex?

Postby seabreezeblue » Mon May 29, 2017 11:38 am

I think that realising what you've done, and the impact that has on others, and accepting that without going into denial, is the most important first step..
and you've made a good start on that already - so the next logical step to take is likely to be getting yourself into therapy, and starting to unpick all of this with a professional to guide you.

If you're worried about what a therapist would think.. don't be - they've heard a lot throughout their careers, and would be very happy to try and help someone that's just become self aware.
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Is narcissism fueling my harrassment of my ex?

Postby ringkichard0811 » Mon May 29, 2017 2:08 pm

This is difficult...so much of me wants her back. But some part of me wants to be punished. Some part of me wants closure from her, some statement from her saying she no longer loves me and has moved on. That she can't believe she wasted so much time (and more) on such an awful person.

Very little of me wants to (or has the capacity to?) consider I am truly undeserving of anything from her, that I caused her immense harm. I am so reluctant to consider her needs as a person if they don't come with the condition that I am with her...and I deny it to myself. Maybe all these complexes and neuroses are a result of how I internalized all the crap I have been through in life, but it isn't okay.

But I abused her, because I am a coward. I try to hide it, run from it, myself. I still feel like a sad, helpless and angry kid inside. Very little ability to empathize with others anymore. I try to be considerate and decent to most everyone...and in relationships I tend to not rock the boat or instigate drama, but when I get rejected or dumped, and we have been together for a while it is like this feat of Herculean might for me to let go, and not go nearly insane with panic, separation anxiety maybe. I guess I only want to accept the pretty, honeymoon side of loving someone where you can be the kindest, most considerate you know how. Letting go for the good of all, losing, not so much.
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Re: Is narcissism fueling my harrassment of my ex?

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Wed Jan 24, 2018 12:14 am

Have you ever actually been diagnosed with NPD? If you are genuinely feeling remorse and shame about your pestering behavior, then I don’t think you are a narcissist.
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Re: Is narcissism fueling my harrassment of my ex?

Postby phoenix321 » Sun Jun 10, 2018 2:39 pm

Hi RK, naturally I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of your behavior toward your ex. But your posts show courage and insight. We have to look at our worst, most unlovable and disgusting thoughts and actions (we all have some yuk inside) before we can elevate ourselves and realize our own noble potentialities.

You believe lies about yourself, i.e. that you are a "piece of filth." I assure you, you are not. Someone(s) told you this when you were very young, through words and/or actions, and children are so trusting and dependent on adults that it's natural to internalize the messages received from parents and family and teachers, whether true or not. From the adult vantage point, we are free to recognize the lies and the ways they cause pain and chaos in our lives with relationships with others.

Have you ever been in real, emotion-based therapy to overcome early childhood trauma? I'm not talking behavior nonsense, because DBT and CBT do not begin to go deep enough to help people with personality disorders and really disorganized internal stuff. I read a couple of your other posts about your having DID. You may need either an inpatient or 3-5x week outpatient program with someone really skilled and generous of spirit. Not an analyst who wants to string you along and max out your insurance. There are such people but you must search for and vet psychologists as thoughtfully as you would a building contractor who's going to do a major home remodel, and even a clergy you want to trust for spiritual perspective, because there's an element of this in all healing. Referrals from those you trust, try several sessions and be willing to fire them if you're not progressing. They may be the "experts," but we are the consumers. I recommend an author named Karla McLaren, and there are Youtube videos of her. To me she's on the front lines of how to heal from past trauma.

I always have hope for someone with the courage and commitment to heal. As long as we're breathing, have a conscience and feel remorse, there's hope. That's obviously not sufficient for change, but pain is the engine that puts us in motion.

Have you ever met someone who is drug or alcohol dependent? Notice that emotionally they are stuck around the age that they started drinking or using? By blunting the pain we take away the instrument through which we mature. Just my theory.

As to whether your ex would give you another chance... I'm unclear on something. Did she break up with you? If so and if time has passed I would say, with regret to you, probably not. Particularly in light of your smashing things when her children were present. That would be a deal-breaker for me and most women who want to protect their children, because even if you didn't hurt them physically, their viewing violent tempers (to the point of smashing a car window) would be traumatizing. Any decent mother would not want to risk this happening again.

If she did break things off I'm wondering why you would need her to tell you she no longer loves you? When did this happen, how long has it been and have you communicated at all since the breakup?

I want to appreciate you for this post. I've been harassed electronically by my ex and it has greatly distressed and bewildered me. It did occur to me a while back that he felt undeserving of me and/or acceptance of who he was, warts and all. Which takes me back to the subject of believing lies about ourselves. He probably thought I hated him and I didn't, but I did come to hate the lies he had been led to believe about himself.
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