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Not sure if I am stalking or if I am being stalked

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Not sure if I am stalking or if I am being stalked

Postby Trafmt » Mon May 15, 2017 9:36 pm

If someone were to ask me, “What do you do for fun?” My honest answer would be: “Avoiding people on Adderall while perusing through online psych forums and self-diagnosing myself through the process of elimination – whilst simultaneously diagnosing all of those of which I interact with, and to mix it up, a bit of mild obsessive ex stalking afterward.” I am not even sure if I am stalking - or if I'm addicted to my stalker. I have a preoccupation of Narcissistic PD and Borderline PD and either I date exclusive to this disorder, or I am a cluster B projecting. I m so unsure of reality that I'm not sure if it is me or the boys I go for.

So far it has crossed my mind that I could have the following disorders:
Social Anxiety
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Avoidant PD
Covert Narcissistic PD
Schizoid PD
CPTSD/PTSD
Pure O-OCD

I am introverted and prefer solitude. I overthink like it is my job. I avoid. I am easily startled. I question what is fake and what is real on a regular basis. I am struggling between - realizing that I have spent my whole life being manipulated, emotionally abused, bullied, and stepped on, and I always thought it was some character flaw or innate impediment that these things happened to me - and realizing it is not me, but everyone else, and this realization has caused me to become extremely angry at the world and thus I hope to one day make the world a better place or have some sort of everlasting impact on humanity. I am very unsure if my antisocial tendencies stem from social anxiety, or if it is moreso a feeling of wasting time socializing when I could be spending that time bettering myself and the world around me. I feel as though the fact that all of these bad things happened to me, and people just sat back and watched; shows me deep injustice and inaction that is a flaw in not myself, but in this world.

Today, I received a yearly review at work, and my boss stated that "If accountability and ownership would have been taken for her actions, she would have been more successful in her role", and I'm literally so outraged. I spent all this time accepting that it is not me, that nothing is wrong with me, that I am not damaged, or "different", and she goes and tells me I need to take ownership? I don't talk to anyone at work , you can't possibly say I was slacking off. Am I not 'social' enough? Am I not enough of a doormat? I was doing really well with not self diagnosing myself, but today I found myself aimlessly driving around hoping to have a run in with my ex who is also aimlessly driving around in hopes to have a run in with me, and again trying to diagnose this flaw that causes me to waste an entire year of my life waiting for a yearly review that gave me no raise and gave me a mark of "Needs improvement" when I work in a god damn call center. I take Adderall, I get $#%^ done. How could I get "Needs improvement?"


Since tho, I am in a stalking forum, I will focus on the other thing stressing me out, stalking. It may have been triggered by my fear of it being me whos innately defective that made me question if IM the stalker or if it is the other way around. I literally don't know if it's me or him. We were dating, he asked for space, but has been subbing me in his Instagram bio, and I've been running into him every day. I'm not sure if it's that I miss him causing me to go out of my way to run into him, therefor I end up running into him, or if he is stalking me and I'm catching him. Why would he dump me tho and then stalk me? Contemplating if he is borderline, contemplating if me wanting him to be stalking me makes me borderline.
Trafmt
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