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I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

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I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby CJ12 » Sun Jan 24, 2016 12:39 am

So I will start from beginning…about a year ago a co-worker and I unexpectedly started dating. It lasted for a total of 9 months and was happiest I had ever been. Sure, we had a few problems such as bickering, but nothing that I felt were huge problems and nothing that were worthy of breaking up for in my opinion. It took me a while to tell her I love her due to my own trust issues. But regardless, I completely trusted her and never felt judged by her for anything. I thought we were perfect together and the longer we dated, the more I fell in love with her. I thought she had felt the same way, we had even started to talk about potentially moving into together. She pretty much lived at my house at this point anyways. Needless to say, it shocked me when completely out of the blue she broke up with me.
At first I handled it ok even though it hurt me more than anything than I thought I could endure. About a week after we broke up, I convinced her to stop by my house to talk again. She also had to grab a few things she had left. I begged and pleaded like crazy. We both were in tears. I begged her to let me off the hook and tell me she didn’t love me, but she wouldn’t. I was so confused and hurt, that I kept hoping that we might be able to salvage our relationship and be even stronger because of it. But she left regardless and I was left in pain.
Since we work together, I started talking to her at work. This lasted about a month. Every time I talked her I was almost in tears. She kept telling me she cared about me, but then when I would tell her something productive about how I was trying to be a better person, she would laugh at me. We were also still talking on the phone and texting as well. At one point she told me on the phone that “love was not enough to her”. She even laughed at me once for losing a bunch of weight and having to buy new pants because I was so stressed out over the breakup. There were many ques that I recognize now I wish I would have just walked away and realized that she had problems if this is how she felt and didn’t take me seriously.
Needless to say, I didn’t walk away and kept holding on to the hopes that we might be able to get back together. I kept reading into anything that might be a sign of us potentially getting back, but in reality there was no chance and she was merely saying things to make herself feel better about the breakup.
After about a month, she started to send me texts saying she would go to HR if I did not start to leave her alone and not talk about our relationship at work. I was in shock, since every time I talked to her in person, yes she would get a little mad at me but it never ended poorly and we would hug every time, as well as her telling me she cared about me. So at first I ignored this. But she eventually texted she would 100% go to HR if I did not stop trying to talk her at work and she said she had met someone else. I was devastated.
I unfortunately did not stop there and I started to drive by her house. About 6 times total. I even figured out who her new boyfriend was between facebook and driving by her house and seeing his pickup. I kind of knew the guy and drove by where he worked to see if it was the same pickup. This was easy to do. We live in a very small town so it was very easy to figure out. I would have found out no matter what. I went a little crazy and drove around town hoping to run into her. I even waited for her to get off of work and followed her to the store to talk. She was mad at me when I talked to her but regardless said she still cared about me.
I eventually got in trouble at work with HR. Not from her turning me in but somebody else had noticed. I didn’t lose my job but was told I needed to stop interacting with her at work. As soon as that had happened, she blocked me on facebook and blocked my phone number. At that point I thought I was done.
A couple of weeks went by and it eventually started to eat at me, so once again I drove around and waited for her, and followed her from work to talk to her. I followed her to the store but this time she wouldn’t talk to me. All she would say was “no, I’m not talking about this”.
A couple of more weeks went by without talking to her and then the cops showed up to my house to serve me with a temporary protection order and a hearing date. We went to court and to be honest, my lawyer thought that it was going to get dismissed. I never threatened her and I would never do that regardless of if I was acting crazy from being heart broken. Needless to say, the judge decided on a happy medium protection order where I could still go to work and could only contact her at work if it was work related. Her defense was she saw me drive by her house. Mind you, this was during the time we were still talking and she was telling me that she still cared about. She had apparently been building a case against me from getgo with the texts she been sending me, even though she was telling me something entirely different in person.
Moral of the story is, that I feel horrible how I acted and have had severe anxiety since my “cloud” of pain lifted a little. It still hurts, especially considering I thought she was the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Just because her dreams of our future died, did not mean all of a sudden mine did. My love for her was growing stronger every day we were together. No, I am not using this as an excuse for how I acted but that is the truth. I am in shock of how I acted and am severely mad at myself for how I acted, and feel horrible about what this has done to her even if were aren’t meant to be together. I was raised better than this and feel like I have severely let myself down as a person.
I have taken this very seriously. I have gone to counselling, as well as been very open to my family and friends about how I have acted. I am very blessed with how understanding they have all have been. Probably more so than I deserve. I talk to them all about this on a regular basis as well as my counselor twice a week for the last month. I have accepted that the relationship was not meant to be and that it takes two to make a relationship. But what I cannot accept is how I acted. I am severely ashamed of how I acted. There is no one in this world who judges me more than myself. I feel like I have jeopardized my morals and potentially my future because of it. Before all this had happened, I was a fun loving guy who everyone liked. That all women trusted because I was a good guy and was there to stand up for them. The only two fights I have ever gotten in, in my life were protecting girls from idiot guys. Now I look at myself in the mirror in complete disgust and feel like a hypocrite. I so badly wish I could turn back the clock and leave the relationship with my pride and dignity intact. I wish I would have realized that if she could not see what I had to offer, that it was her loss not mine. But I can’t, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I am way better than the way I behaved and I feel horrible.
My friends and family keep telling me that I just made a mistake and I am only human. They even think that she overreacted and is a drama queen. Regardless of what type of person she turned out to be, that does not excuse me of my actions and not being able to control myself and acting like a child. I hate myself for the way I behaved.
I have always wanted a family of my own, but now I do not feel like I deserve that. Who would ever want to be with someone who acted like this? I could never lie to anyone who I love and pretend this never happened. I feel like they would hit the door running if I told them this. Besides this, the feeling of wanting to apologize to my ex for how I acted causes me even more anxiety. I know the only way I could ever talk to her again is if she wanted to talk to me. But I know the way I acted and how it turned out the possibility of that ever happening is VERY slim, to none. Yet at the same time, we live in a very small town so the odds of us running into each other are very possible and I do not want her to hate me or feel like I am some monster not worth talking to. Regardless, I know I lost that decision of talking her and it would only be up to her. I just keep hoping that maybe she’ll remember the good guy that I was before I acted like this and realize that I just made a mistake. One that I pay for every day.
I feel horrible about myself and feel like I do not recognize myself anymore. No matter the amount of counselling I have been through and the love, and support I have gotten from my family and friends it is hard to shake this feeling. Even the women who are my friends say that I just made a mistake and I will find someone who will look past this and love me for me, and not judge. I wish I could believe that, but at this time I don’t. I feel like I do not deserve to find love again after how I acted. Who would? The worst part is, is that there is a woman right now who I know likes me but I just don’t feel like I deserve to be loved like I said.
I am sorry for the rant, but even with the large amount of support and help that I have gotten it still has not felt like enough. I know I need to forgive myself but it is hard to believe that I should. I truly am ashamed.
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Re: I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Jan 24, 2016 10:08 am

I'm going to be quite blunt here because i don't see how pussy footing around you is helpful.. i think you need to own your actions and find a way to forgive yourself for them. Some of what you did was very crappy but meh.. i've met people who have done similar and as far as i'm concerned, their actions are just a single part of their entire behaviour - certainly not the whole story.



I am way better than the way I behaved and I feel horrible.

But you're not better than the way you behaved - that's not possible.. that's a paradox.
Why do you feel so horrible? because you're at war with 2 conflicting views of yourself - that's got to be causing some severe cognitive dissonance for you.. :|

I know a guy that smokes atm and he said to me the other day ''i'm giving up smoking, this isn't me''.. i didn't comment other than an ''okay cool'' at the giving up smoking idea but i wanted to quiz him on the ''this isn't me'' part - because clearly, right now actually that is him - he is currently a smoker.
.. and you got obsessed with trying to get your ex back.. that is you and honestly, that's okay.. it happened and yes - it was crappy and got you into trouble but it's okay..

You were raised better than that.? in what way?
I'm seeing that you really really wanted her back and thought there was a chance because she still loved you - i'm not seeing this as something you need to beat yourself up forever for.. i'm also not seeing that this goes against the way you were raised - good enough people sometimes do stupid things and that's okay.. it's what we can learn from them and how we behave in the future that matters the most.
I mean.. if you'd come here and said that you'd murdered someone or kidnapped someone or slashed their car tyres before crushing the car into a cube and then selling it on Ebay as a drinks stand, then i'd be more ''umm.. yep, i think you need some rapid help'' - but as it stands right now, you've had counselling, you've learned from what you did and you feel remorse for it.
That says a lot to me.

It can be the hardest thing in the world to let go of someone that we love.. and not just because of the present, but because of that future that we saw ourselves having with them as well as the hopes and dreams and wishes - i get it. But ultimately love isn't enough because relationships come in all different shapes and sizes and if that particular shape or size doesn't fit with one of the people within that relationship then it cannot continue - because love is not enough when too much is wrong.

Have a look at your pride.. i don't think you should believe that you've lost it - i think it needs dusting back off and giving a clean up before popping it back into your pocket for safe keeping.
Pride can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing - if pride keeps you above other people instead of on the same level as them then your pride will always make you fall. Pride should be about being proud of being true to yourself - of being good enough to accept you completely and saying ''i'm good enough to be an equal and i'm good enough to accept that i'm not perfect''.

Even the women who are my friends say that I just made a mistake and I will find someone who will look past this and love me for me, and not judge.

I wouldn't look past this.. i would look ''at'' this.. and i'd decide if the whole of you - everything about you, your lifestyle and values would be a good fit for me..
it's not something that i'd instantly dismiss you for at all - we've all done stupid stuff and that's okay.. the important thing for me would be to know that you have the ability to care, to self reflect and understand how to listen to another person.
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby CJ12 » Sun Jan 24, 2016 5:36 pm

Thank you seabreezeblue for the reply. I have very much so owned up to my action and have been very honest with my counsellor, friends, and family about the way I have behaved. I have not altered what had happened at all to somehow benefit me or make her make her look like the bad person. That is probably one of the better qualities that I have. I'm not too proud to own up to mistakes and I take them very seriously.

I feel horrible because I hate my obsessiveness of trying to fix the relationship and my hopes of getting back together somehow completely took over me. Even if my ex and I had differing opinions about our relationship, I should have at least respected hers even though I entirely disagree with it. When she told me no and I needed to stop, I should have listened. Like I said, it takes two to make a relationship. If this was how she felt than it was doomed and I should have just realized that there is someone out there better for me. It makes me mad at myself because all I was doing was wasting my time and putting myself in the hole I reside in now.

This whole thing has been very much so a mistake that I truly have learned, there is no question about that. I know I cannot turn the clock back and all I can do is move forward and become the person that I want to be and still hold my values that I had before this all happened.

The only thing I disagree with what you have said, is love not being enough. Call me a romantic but why should love not be enough? I did things in our relationship to change me for the better because I loved her. I know people will argue that you should not have to change for the person you love, that the relationship should be natural and without change. But they were qualities that I did not like either about myself and just did not realize I was doing. They are permanent changes at this point too and I have become a better person for them.

As far as my pride, yes it is hurting right now but I do not feel I hold myself above anyone. I just want to be the best person I can be. Who doesn't? This whole thing has made me a better person. I have recognized the flaws in the things that I have done in the past and will never do them again.

I know that in time I will forgive myself but as of right now I'm still fighting to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now I'm just seeking help from any avenue I can get it from. I just feel extremely bad at this point and do not like that I may have caused someone else, my ex, emotional distress. It would be one thing if I were sitting here without doing all these things in agony and heartbreak, but the fact that I may have put that on someone else in pain is very upsetting to me. I hope she is getting through this ok and I hope she does not view this as anymore than I mistake that I have made, and nothing more than that. But I don't know and I feel horrible. She did not deserve this, even if she broke up with me. This was not fair to her either at this point.

As far as my future with someone else, to be honest I am just scared. Scared that someone might not be able to look at this as one very small part of my past and see the good in me. Can people be that forgiving or understanding?
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Re: I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby Im-pure » Mon Jan 25, 2016 1:37 am

Its great you realized your actions were wrong and moved forward

You will probably need to accept that you have no control over how she feels about it. You can only control how you feel and it sounds like you learned from this. It doesnt matter whether she forgives you or not, you cant change what happen. You need to find closure inside yourself

Guilt is normal; give it time and do things you like etc, and when a new rship comes, wait and see how you feel about it then. Now you know how not to treat rships/breakups so you can take the knowledge with you into the future without the guilt. It doesnt sound like youre in a place for a new rship now anyway so dont worry about that now
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Re: I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby CJ12 » Mon Jan 25, 2016 4:26 am

I know I can't control how she feels, but I at the very least hope she is ok. I hope this does not effect her too much and that is all I can do is hope. I just care about my actions and how they may have effected her. I have always cared about my actions my entire life. But you have to realize I have never done anything like this before in my life and it just severely bothers me how it took ahold of me. If you were to ask me 4 months ago if I thought I would ever do anything like this, I would have laughed in your face. This truly was not me in the right mindset or thinking clearly. I was just hurt and wanting to fix something that was not meant to be. No, that is not a valid excuse but I was in a lot of pain and it caused me to go a little crazy.

I most certainly do need to find closure for sure, this is just a first for me that I will not able to do so with another person. So I am just still trying to figure that out. I never had to just forgive myself without asking someone else to forgive me. I think time will help for sure, but there just has not been enough of it quite yet.
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Re: I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby seabreezeblue » Mon Jan 25, 2016 10:00 am

The only thing I disagree with what you have said, is love not being enough. Call me a romantic but why should love not be enough? I did things in our relationship to change me for the better because I loved her. I know people will argue that you should not have to change for the person you love, that the relationship should be natural and without change. But they were qualities that I did not like either about myself and just did not realize I was doing. They are permanent changes at this point too and I have become a better person for them.


I actually won't argue that you shouldn't change for the person you love.. depending on what it is you want to change of course. I think compromising and accommodating the other person is incredibly healthy. I would probably have to go out and socialise more than i'm comfy with if i was with someone but that's something that i'm happy to do for a partner as long as they're able to understand that sometimes i just won't be able to do things that an allistic/more extroverted partner would do easily.
But yep.. no argument here as long as the changes are possible and you're pretty comfy with them.

Okay.. the point i was trying to make about love not being enough - it's not. Love isn't what keeps a couple together (though it's a part of it), friendship, empathy, compromising, fun, laughter, the ability to listen.. these are all essential ingredients as well.


You're right, you should have listened (heard, processed, understood and accepted rather) but you didn't understand.. you wanted her back so badly that it blinded you to anything else - and honestly, that's totally understandable as far as i'm concerned. We've all done dumb stuff because we loved someone so much that all our thoughts were full of them and nothing else.

What i was saying about pride is not that i think you hold yourself above others exactly.. it's more that i think your standards for you are higher than the ones you'd hold for others.
I mean.. what would you say to someone with the exact same story and he asked for your opinion.? Would you tell him that he should feel guilty forever or would you tell him that yes, he messed up, yes it was dumb but i'm sure you wouldn't judge him too harshly would you?
You'd probably tell him that it's okay.. to move on and understand that every normal person (and i do mean 'every'.. i have never met a perfect person in my life..) has behaved in a way that goes against their morals at least once in their life.

As far as my future with someone else, to be honest I am just scared. Scared that someone might not be able to look at this as one very small part of my past and see the good in me. Can people be that forgiving or understanding?


I agree with Impure here that you should spend some time being single right now but absolutely yes.. people can be forgiving and understanding - one thing that i'll say though is that over time and as you heal and find a way of moving past this.. this will start to fade a bit and become a lot less huge for you than it is now. It will become a memory that you've learned a lesson from - instead of being a mountain that you're still climbing up.
if someone won't accept it then that's okay - they're not the right person for you. I know there are people out there that won't accept me because I have aspergers.. and that's okay.. I won't accept some things myself.
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: I stalked someone and am truly ashamed.

Postby CJ12 » Tue Jan 26, 2016 2:50 am

Okay.. the point i was trying to make about love not being enough - it's not. Love isn't what keeps a couple together (though it's a part of it), friendship, empathy, compromising, fun, laughter, the ability to listen.. these are all essential ingredients as well.


I absolutely agree with all the things that you listed above. But I know, and am proud of, that I did all of the things you listed. She was my best friend and even told her that. I was never afraid to tell her anything and never felt like I would be judged for it. I always I encouraged her to do the same and repeatedly asked her to be open with me and if anything ever bothered to let me know so we could get it out of the way and move on, and be happy.

I was always empathetic to things that had happened to her, which she had plenty of things that she was ashamed of or things that had happened that I won't divulge. I was always there for her and I made it well known that she could confide in me whatever it was. I was very comfortable in doing the same towards her and never felt judged or felt like I could not say something about my past, whether it was something that caused me pain or was not proud of.

I was very compromising. For instance, she was big into recycling and I never had. I knew it was important to her and it was no big deal for me to start, especially if I knew it made her happy. This is one of multiple things.

We had a lot of fun together and we were always laughing, and making jokes. I am a very big smart alec and sometimes have a goofy sense of humor which she seemed to enjoy, as well as take part in. We also share many of the same likes in activities, so it was very to easy to have fun. Even things that she enjoyed and did not normally do, I was always up for doing them because I knew she liked them. Hence, they became important to me and was very up to doing them.

When she broke up with me, she even said that she loved how great of a listener I was and how I was able to communicate when something bothered me.

I'm not saying I was perfect, but by all means I tried my best and I will never be ashamed of that. I was never controlling and trusted her no matter what. In the end, yes I was great at communicating my feelings but sometimes I know she was not. When I could tell something was bothering her, I would sometimes I have to pry it out of her. It bothered me a lot, because I did not want anything to ever fester or become bigger than it had to be.

When she broke up with me, she told me it was because of the bickering and sometimes the house getting messy. I am sorry, but all couples have their moments of bickering and the end I was more than willing to go to counselling to fix this. She felt like I had judged her a couple of times, yet did not tell me. I apologized for this and the reality is I had never judged her. She talked to me once about the bickering and I made sure I put a stop to that. But I had a stressful summer and unfortunately the bickering started up again, which as soon as I realized it I stopped it.

Once again, not saying I was perfect but I really did try my best and was always willing to improve. In the end, it was lack of communication from her end is what caused us to break up. In my opinion, which I have talked extensively with my counsellor about, she is looking for someone that does not exist and that is someone perfect. The reasons she gave me for breaking up do not feel like legit reasons and quite frankly, anyone I have told about me about absolutely agrees with me. It severely bothers me, because I would have done anything in this world to make her happy and I truly do mean that. I honestly think her issues will cause her to jump in and out of relationships the rest of her life, with very little regard for anyone else's feelings but her own. It took her less than a month after her breaking up with me to find someone else and completely care less about me. I feel very taken for granted for and a big part of still hurts because of that.

This is all fairly irrelevant at this point. The major thing I am concerned with, is how I acted after the breakup. Despite our relationship ending, I still care about her. If she is feeling any anxiety or stress from the way I acted and it were possible to take that and put it on my shoulders, I would do it in a heart beat. I really do hope she is ok.

What i was saying about pride is not that i think you hold yourself above others exactly.. it's more that i think your standards for you are higher than the ones you'd hold for others.
I mean.. what would you say to someone with the exact same story and he asked for your opinion.? Would you tell him that he should feel guilty forever or would you tell him that yes, he messed up, yes it was dumb but i'm sure you wouldn't judge him too harshly would you?


You are absolutely right. I have never judged anyone due to their past, I guess I just never have been in this situation before myself. This is a very big first for me. I know time will help, but right now I am still very much living the nightmare. To be quite honest, I know what I did was wrong for sure but the idea that a protection order is the part that bothers me the most. I honestly look forward to the day that it is over, knowing that the only reason I acted the way I did was because I was in severe pain but I am very capable of controlling that. I know that I never threatened her and never would. I would never threaten anyone.

I agree with Impure here that you should spend some time being single right now but absolutely yes.. people can be forgiving and understanding - one thing that i'll say though is that over time and as you heal and find a way of moving past this.. this will start to fade a bit and become a lot less huge for you than it is now. It will become a memory that you've learned a lesson from - instead of being a mountain that you're still climbing up.


I agree as well. I need to become myself fully, even better before I feel like I can date again. Like I said, this is just still a living nightmare for me right now. I appreciate all of your help immensely.
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