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I know I have a spending addiction

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I know I have a spending addiction

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:19 am

I recognize myself in the definition of having a Spending Addiction. I currently see a therapist and I have been working on this for about 6 years or longer. That was the reason for seeing a therapist was to help me fix my problem. What I have learned is that my addiction hasn't been fixed or it hasn't gone away. I am just dealing with it in a different manner other than to just "throw caution to the wind" and spend all of our money away. My last purchase was a Christmas decoration piece. I know that it could be justified because it is nice and it's for the Holiday season, but it was a "want" purchase and not a "need." I have been working so hard to rationalize and keep myself in check. I am not discouraged. I feel that like any type of lifestyle change, you might have setbacks, but then you pick yourself up and start fresh. My therapist teaches me that I need to find a middle ground in terms of going from two extremes such as, going on a shopping spree and spending $600 in one hour at the mall, to buying the cheapest amount of groceries I can find in order to save money. Or getting so upset at myself for buying a $5 lipstick. I am still learning, that's for sure. I don't have it all together but I am continually learning to live with this addiction that seems to plague me. Have any of you been to therapy or currently see a therapist for this spending addiction?

My last "fall" cost about $100. I am doing ok now. This just happened this past Sunday.

I don't go to the mall much anymore. I have a budget I try really hard to keep. I save receipts and crunch the numbers to show me where the money is going. It gives me a picture of how I'm doing. It feels really good when I've had a good month. My husband trusts me more and I do too. How do you work it out so that you start to feel good about your spending habits and getting your spending addiction under control?
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby Terry E. » Wed Dec 28, 2016 2:45 am

quietgirl2538 wrote:



My therapist teaches me that I need to find a middle ground in terms of going from two extremes such as, going on a shopping spree and spending $600 in one hour at the mall, to buying the cheapest amount of groceries I can find in order to save money. Or getting so upset at myself for buying a $5 lipstick.







My first post outside "abuse " and Admin (maybe I should have come here last year. )

The above describes my wife.

(one brother has anxiety issues (four marriages and a bankruptcy as well ) the other has crashed and burned big time. 2 + 1/2 degrees and basically lives in care at 63. She believes she has no issues (apart from being anxiety disruptive - which I dare not ever say),

She will buy presents for grandchildren she may never have, in multiples, while berating me for not using my coffee card to get that .70c saving. We now have an entire room of books, toys, pretty tins for them to put there toys in, coffee mugs etc. and it just goes on. I dare not ever say I like something or three of it will turn up the next day. I have stopped saying I like movies as she cannot live long enough to watch what she already has acquired.

Quiet how has your husband dealt with it.
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 3:32 am

My husband was very discouraged and upset. He worked with me to take me off of accounts and only letting me have an allotted amount of money at a time. It's helped me to manage money. I am currently doing really well and my husband is more trusting in me.
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby NewSunRising » Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:43 am

During my active gambling period I went to extremes too . I either spent wildly or denied myself everything but the most basic of necessities .

It felt like I was either rewarding or punishing myself , depending on my previous behavior . For me , the spending ( or curtailing of ) was directly related to something I had experienced recently .

When I had ( or won ) money , rewarding myself or rewarding someone else made me feel valued and empowered - that I was viewed as a caring and giving person .

When I was broke ( after losing money ) and stressed out over the horrific state of my finances , clipping those coupons and denying myself anything other than the basics made me feel proactive and in control . Until I had money again . Then the cycle would repeat .

Hugs , Terry !

Maybe you could suggest to your wife that a savings account for all those future grandchildren would be much more welcome than a room full of stuff that their parents may not even have space for . What new parent doesn't welcome a college fund for their child ?

I responded best to " What if ...? " statements , as in " What if I did this instead of that ? "

It made me think , and explore more possibilities than All or Nothing .
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby Terry E. » Wed Dec 28, 2016 6:38 am

NewSunRising wrote:

Hugs , Terry !

Maybe you could suggest to your wife that a savings account for all those future grandchildren would be much more welcome than a room full of stuff that their parents may not even have space for . What new parent doesn't welcome a college fund for their child ?

I responded best to " What if ...? " statements , as in " What if I did this instead of that ? "

It made me think , and explore more possibilities than All or Nothing .



yes, but you may have been aware you had a problem. My wife is in denial. Denial of how she has been effected, denial of her spending, denial of her hoarding. Basically cannot face the problem as we start to go into the why, which she has never dealt with. Incredibly conflicted about her own family. Has been very useful watching, as an Abuse moderator. I know my issues but she completely believes hers are very, small and is unaware that I know of some of them. There is not a surface in the house anymore except the chairs and the hallways where she has not stacked something and I have started to walk sideways down the side of the bed so her leaning pile of bags and shoes does not cascade on the floor, but that is only because she has no cupboard space, even though she has taken 70% of the cupboard space in our room and all the space in the spare bedroom. I even have a couple of boxes of her stuff stored in the office.

She can't admit it. The answer has become we should move and rent and keep the house and two garages for storage. We are not ready for the "hoarder next door TV show", but give us 5 more years. That has kind of changed recently as we have given our son a very large part of our retirement savings.(he has a medical condition and basically could only get work in a sheltered workshop, or maybe not even that. He made it to Science at UNI before the health packed in). Now she just laments that we are stuck there as sorting through her stuff brings on a sort of mental paralysis, and letting anyone else go near it brings on massive panic. Gee maybe we are ready for hoarder next door after all.

Like watching a slow motion train wreck. And what has made it worse is that because of the "stuff" we have not had anyone in the house except our children in maybe 15 years. The thing is I like that. I am basically avoidant and could live very happily by myself. So maybe when it started I did not pressure her as would most people to do something. I also worry that I can't actually see it anymore.

Oh well, what ever does not kill you ....
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby NewSunRising » Wed Dec 28, 2016 1:33 pm

More big and gentle hugs ...

That's a tough situation . Denial is so difficult to deal with . I hope you have set up some boundaries between the hoard and yourself .

I have a good friend with hoarding issues , but she is addressing them through therapy . It's still a battle for her but it's slowly getting easier for her to let things go . She won't let me in her house yet , but she has made great strides over the last few years .

That is a bit worrying , that you can't really see it anymore . :(
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jan 03, 2017 1:11 am

NewSunRising wrote:
More big and gentle hugs ...

thank you


Denial is so difficult to deal with . I hope you have set up some boundaries between the hoard and yourself .


Boundaries, nope, no idea what to do, just watch the train wreck, which has not actually worked too well.

That is a bit worrying , that you can't really see it anymore .

and I did not realise it but I now make excuses to come to my office on Saturdays to avoid being in the house, which I find too frustrating. I did not actually realise that until just now.

(
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby NewSunRising » Tue Jan 03, 2017 11:29 am

My friend with the hoarding issue was introduced to therapy by someone who asked Friend accompany him to his therapy session ( for support ) . It was a positive experience for Friend and she started going herself shortly after .

In other words , could you get your wife to come and support you in therapy for hoarding / spending ? If it's presented as helping you with your problem , it could possibly open a door to exploring her own issues .

I think you're doing great , in a not-great situation .

Hugs !
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby Terry E. » Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:04 am

Actually apparently my wife and I are suited to each other. I am avoidant, and she is anxiety disruptive, although again I struggle to see it (compared to my mother she has the patience of mother Teresa). She has the habit of lobbing hand grenades at social functions (unintentional)

No friends (well one, she sees twice a year) and no visitors - so you see I lucked out.

Okay the house is a bit messy, but that lack of social interaction makes my life easier. As an accountant I must interact all the time and I have struggled with that. Fake it well.

The hoarder next door is one of her favourite shows. She likes it as she sees structure happening and well, it makes her feel more in control.

I think to fix the hoarding I would have to open up some stuff that is hidden. Judging by a few things with her brothers and her mother (deceased) I think there is some very bad stuff buried there that she may not be aware of. Her past behavior and current behavior does not match what she says happened, and her brother has crashed out completely.

So as she has gotten to 62 and is happy, with it being hidden, I may just suck it up and leave it there.

and Quiet I so apologize for the hijack.
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Re: I know I have a spending addiction

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:07 am

It's been a while since I revisited this thread. Terry, I'm sorry I didn't answer, you didn't hijack the thread imo, and if you feel differently, it's alright with me anyway because I don't mind at all.

Update, I have been put back on the bank account and my spending is moderate which I would call normal. I will see a shirt I like and I put it back and say to myself "no spending." I just tune it out. The feelings go away. I once stayed a up quite late at night set on buying an item. I eventually convinced myself to not buying it and I avoided getting it. I still buy the necessary things like my makeup and I signed up to sell items from a company that sells kitchen items like pots and pans, even bamboo spoons, and other such things. It is easy to "hoard" because you feel you need to buy everything from the catalog, but I've been good about not buying. So overall, I've been doing fine. The temptation is still there, but I've dealt with it in a healthy way.

Btw, my kitchen cabinets are filled and there is practically no space to put anything anymore. I have Tupperware, and other brands I can't think of at this time. I have 2 sets of glass bowls, a set of bamboo bowls, a set of stainless steel bowls and a set of Wal-Mart plastic bowls. Why do I need all these bowls? I just like them is my answer. But I also own 4 crock pots too. :shock: I am still a work in progress.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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