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Agonizing Fear of Pregnancy

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Agonizing Fear of Pregnancy

Postby cerulean90 » Tue Aug 16, 2016 5:01 pm

Hello, this is my first post. I'm a twenty-five year old guy with a fear of pregnancy, and it is ruining my life. Whenever I hear people talking about pregnancy or childbirth in detail, I become very troubled and sometimes even physically ill. If I'm out in public and see a pregnant woman I become greatly distraught, and try to get away from her if I can. This makes me feel horrible because I know how precious the concept of motherhood is to most women, and I feel like I'm insulting them. To compensate for my guilty conscience I always go out of my way to aid a pregnant lady even though I am falling apart on the inside when I'm around her.
The worst part of all this is the fact that this fear has completely destroyed my chances of ever finding a sweetheart. I have never been on a date, never kissed a girl, or even held hands with a girl because I'm horrified by the chance that I could get her pregnant. I'm so miserable. Loneliness is killing me. In addition to my general phobia of pregnancy, I would never want to have kids anyway. This world is such a cruel place full of pain and agony, and I cannot justify bringing another soul into existence to suffer who knows what kind of unimaginable torment. I don't think any woman wants a guy who feels that way. The number of women who don't want kids seems to be tiny, and thus I feel like my chances of ever finding love are nonexistent. I know what it's like to feel completely broken and to be overwhelmed by fear and pain, and I get no greater pleasure than the feeling I achieve by helping and caring for others. I swear that if I ever found a girl who accepted my fears and shortcomings I would do whatever it takes to be a good boyfriend/husband and keep her happy.
I don't really know why I'm so afraid of pregnancy. The thought of a living human inside of another human is disturbing beyond my powers of description. Sometimes I cannot bear the thought of existing in a universe where such things are possible and necessary. I struggle with suicidal tendencies because of this fear and my severe loneliness. I'm friends with a very dear couple who have a little daughter, and they are the only thing that keeps me hanging on. They don't really understand my fears, but they support me and care for me when I'm at my worst.
If I could convince a doctor to perform a vasectomy much of my anxiety would go away, but so far I've been unsuccessful at that. It wouldn't solve the whole problem, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about impregnating someone. Other forms of birth control are too unreliable to give me any reassurance even if they do work almost 100% of the time.
No one else seems to understand my predicament and it leaves me feeling like some kind of freak. I don't know what to do. Any advice, help, or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Agonizing Fear of Pregnancy

Postby Ada » Fri Aug 19, 2016 1:20 pm

Welcome to the forum, cerulean. [Lovely username!]

You're not a freak. You're just a regular person with a major phobia. And even though it's a big part of your life. It's not the whole of you. You have heaps of other likes and dislikes. Fears and desires. This doesn't define you in any way.

Would it be possible to talk to a counsellor about this? Either directly, if that's supported where you life. Or talking to your general doctor and asking for a referral to a phobias service. I think that this could both help with scaling back the size of the fear. So that it has less impact on your daily life. And once you've worked through it. They may well be able to write a recommendation letter for a vasectomy. At them moment, I'm guessing you're being refused because you're "too young" to decide that. If you work through it with a professional. You'll have their backup to prove that this is a genuine, serious plan.

cerulean90 wrote: I don't think any woman wants a guy who feels that way.

That's not true. Yes, it decreases the pool of women who are compatible. But it doesn't eliminate it. Some women have fertility issues and will never bear children. Some have ethical / medical reasons for not reproducing. For example, not passing on a genetic illness. Some simply don't like kids. Or have a career that they don't want to sacrifice. [However enlightened our times. It's still very common for women to be penalised in a variety of ways. For pregnancy at work.] That's a good pool of interesting, thoughtful women. Who are scared to get into a relationship. Because they "know" all men want kids. Pass on the family name. Prove their masculinity. Etc.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.

Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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Re: Agonizing Fear of Pregnancy

Postby strawberry-girl » Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:53 am

I know this is an old post, but I wanted to jump in -- I'm 21 and female and have had an INTENSE pregnancy phobia for as long as I can remember. I've actually been dreading getting to the age where my peers start to become pregnant and give birth :shock: I love kids! But much like you, I find pregnancy to be the most horrifying, anxiety-inducing thing for reasons I can't explain. It totally ruined my sex life; I had a massive spike in anxiety/OCD a few years ago and my pregnancy phobia (tokophobia) became SO much worse, to the point where I couldn't have sex anymore (for fear of getting pregnant).

I can promise that there ARE other people out there with similar fears :) A few female friends of mine, who I've told about my phobia, have offered to be a surrogate so I can still have kids if I wanted, so there are plenty of nice and understanding people out there! There are also many many women without the fear of pregnancy who do not want children -- many of my female friends don't want children. If you're uncomfortable telling a potential girlfriend about your phobia, you can always emphasize that you do NOT want children. And even if you want to become a father, you can always adopt!

If abortion is something that you're morally comfortable with, remember that that is always an option if birth control should fail! I really just want you to know that a) you're not alone, b) you can find a girlfriend who understands -- this fear doesn't mean that you can't be a good boyfriend or husband (or even a father! there are ways to get around it ) c) there are ways to live your life to the fullest despite this phobia :) Feel free to message me to talk in more detail!
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