I guess this is me"?

Hello to whomever is out there in the internet universe that might want to listen a minute. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I'm agoraphobic. My kids tell me I am. I prefer not to leave my house unless accompanied by my husband. I know I have social anxiety, I have always had it. I spent so many years trying to pretend to be normal that I am now ashamed that my kids saw it all along. I am not suicidal but I don't care if I don't wake up tomorrow. I can't seem to find joy in anything lately. I am on an antidepressant (celexa) and and anti-anxiety (buspar) and have been taking them for about 4 years. My life has changed so much in 11 years that I feel I'm in a tailspin.
My father died in 2013. I helped take care of him for almost a year of going to his house daily and spending the entire day helping him until my mom got home. He called me his babysitter lol.
Then both my kids left home. They both went to college and then moved around an hour away from me. I am very proud of them but I hate it. I can't just drive and go see them because I'm terrified of the drive (freeways and such).
Then my husband got sick for about 10 years. Pretty much from the time my Dad died until about a year ago my husband was deathly ill with a rare disease that makes him vomit all the time. He was next to death with his weight dropping so low he was skin and bones.
He is finally well, so I should feel like I can relax a bit but I really feel like I just don't care anymore about anything. I don't want to die but I don't care to live either. I feel so overwhelmed with things that have been let go ( We live on a small farm). I just see no point to it all or to my existence. I am so tired. I am not suicidal. I just can't find a ###$ to give anymore. I feel like I am broken. I really can't say I have any kind of hope for any therapy. I don't really think it would make a difference, I have been before and I practically had to diagnose myself. I literally had to print out an article on social anxiety for one therapist I went to back around 2000. What kind of help is there? This is literally the first time I have ever reached out online. I don't do facebook, I don't socialize at all with anyone outside my immediate family so please be kind. I really don't believe in CBT. It doesn't matter how many times I (On purpose) embarrass myself in public, it doesn't get better. That is just one example of the advice I received. CBT is not the answer for me. I'm sorry but everytime I do things is just another reason not to do things. Reinforcement of my affirmation. People are cruel. I have many nightmares of past incidences with various mean souls. I just try to exist in my little world and I thank my husband for doing the shopping etc... I want to feel better even if my world exists the same as always. Maybe I'm not curable but can feel better with different meds. I know years ago when I was on xanax I did feel alot better and was able to deal with alot of different situations. I guess this is not a good idea to take regularly but I have never found any better relief to my issues.
The way I see it is that there is no relief in sight.

Hello, and welcome!

You posted this in Agoraphobia, but you also speak Social Anxiety fluently... given that you're bouncing the two terms back and forth- but you mention embarrassing yourself in public (purposely? is that supposed to be part of the cure??) then I'm leaning Social Anxiety. And also the Social Phobia forum gets a little more traffic than the Agoraphobia one, so I've moved this to Social Phobia- but I've left a shadow link in Agoraphobia, so anyone who visits that forum will still see this thread, and can follow it to this forum. Sometimes it's hard to pigeonhole a topic to a specific disorder, but we try to place them where we think they'll do the poster more good, and this'll be seen more here than if I just left it in Agoraphobia, I think. In either case, it'll be seen. Fuzzy topics like this I'll leave a shadow link if I move the thread.

So anyway I read your post that I already mentioned, as being you were supposed to purposely embarrass yourself in public? As part of the CBT, I take it? That seems... a bit extreme? I mean some of us can take a faux pas we do in public as a joke (I often can, I'm old and don't care any longer) but yeah no it's not a joke for a lot of folks. That sounds like some really tough love on the part of the therapist. Of course now, if it's self-imposed, then you know you best. I just read it as 'therapist told me to go embarrass myself in public' and I was like, for real?

It's easy to get overwhelmed for a lot of us at the best of times. And it sounds as if you've had over a decade of unrelenting external stressors. A person can only endure so much, and some of us are better at it than others. Sucks to be one of those 'others'. I mean I throw myself in that basket, I'm a named moderator over most of the anxiety disorders for a reason. Less so for me with the social phobia, but as I recall it had a named moderator who retired from the forums, so I took it over.

But I have touched the edges of agoraphobia before- I went through a period of panic attacks back in my 20s, but they'd usually happen in very specific places outside of the home, and not just out of the home in general.

Some of this post sounds as if it could be in the mood disorders. I reckon if there's enough participation, maybe you can zero in on what needs attention the most and start a new thread in a more appropriate forum, but we'll start here. You mentioned you're taking an antidepressant- are they specifically for anxiety or depression? I mean, I've been on antidepressants before but for generalised anxiety and insomnia (escitalopram and trazodone). I DO think I have clinical depression, to an extent, but I can't recall those helping me a whole lot with it- I did less 'feeling', which wasn't all a bad thing I suppose. If I don't care about it, I'm not worrying about it... yay. I did feel a bit flatter in my emotions while I was on the SSRI. But at least I wasn't drinking whiskey at midnight any longer just to get a few hours sleep, so yeah there's that.

Glancing at the data for Xanax, I can see why you aren't still taking it/speak of taking it as a not-optimal solution. I read that it can be addictive/less effective over time. Yeah you wouldn't want to go there. I'd look through the depression forums- clinical depression and dysthemia would be the ones I'd suggest- and see what meds folks have talked about in those forums, and see if there's anything that sounds promising to ask your doctor about. I've never been on anything more heavyweight than the Lexapro (which isn't) and the Trazodone (which isn't), so I don't have any suggestions myself. Surely, with enough tweaking of dosages/meds, there's something that could at least take the edge off things, and be a better option than Xanax.

JustMe09 wrote:please be kind

Well, you might get some tough love here...

But folks here are pretty decent for the most part- with the caveat that we are a mental health forum, so, you know, none of us are always firing on all cylinders, or on our best Emily Post. And there are us moderators for those that just keep showing an unwillingness or inability to play well with others. The mod team's just a reported post or PM away.

I've heard of that advice to deliberately do something a bit embarrassing, perhaps in another town rather than the one you live in. I also think it's a bit extreme, but it might suit some, who knows. It probably makes more sense to challenge your self to do more mundane things like say hello to someone, ask someone for directions and so on and so forth.

Back when I used to go out to bars more often, I'd say stuff to strangers like "this is a pretty good band (if a band was playing)", "can I have a look at your tattoo?", "hey, nice dreadlocks" and that kind of thing.

-- Tue Sep 10, 2024 8:38 am --

I've heard of that advice to deliberately do something a bit embarrassing, perhaps in another town rather than the one you live in. I also think it's a bit extreme, but it might suit some, who knows. It probably makes more sense to challenge your self to do more mundane things like say hello to someone, ask someone for directions and so on and so forth.

Back when I used to go out to bars more often, I'd say stuff to strangers like "this is a pretty good band (if a band was playing)", "can I have a look at your tattoo?", "hey, nice dreadlocks" and that kind of thing.

Yeah I think the idea to practice being social by speaking to others makes a lot more sense to me than blatantly trying to disgrace oneself in public, I'm like, what the hell seriously?