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A list of my shameful impulses

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A list of my shameful impulses

Postby PinchOfSanity » Thu Feb 09, 2012 5:07 am

I have impulses, but haven't seek out if I have an impulse disorder.

My impulses started when I was a kid, I would start fires, without thinking of anything except for the thrill of it. I was a pyromaniac, during my childhood, I would light paper up and throw sticks so I can create a bonfire, I would then always start throwing sticks that were on fire into my dad's garage or over the fence. I've been caught playing with fire many times, when I say many, I really do mean many. It was persistent, mom caught me throwing it over the fence and panicked and sprayed water over the fence to put it out. I would also do dumb things like throwing rocks or fruit over at my neighbors or a-few-houses-down neighbors and listen to the big "BANG" it would make. Once in primary school, my mom came to pick me and my brother up and she stumbled across her friend and they talked for a bit, I was bored and decided to throw pebbles at my teacher's window... Got caught and got in deep $#%^ and the teachers at the school were so self-righteous and acted like I committed a felony and the incident spread to the teachers who pointed out to classes not to do it. One day my other teacher was like "There was an incident where a student was caught throwing rocks at a teacher's window whilst holding an important meeting (bullsh*t)", everyone in my class jaw dropped acting like it was an unforgivable sin and I couldn't help but to blend in and and acted like "who would do such a thing, I would never do that", during that time I never realized that the teacher already knew who it was so she pretty much saw a dumb-ass poorly attempt to cover up his shame by blending in, ha.

Hell, I even lit fires INSIDE the house, I once lit a piece of paper in the kitchen using the stove and when it started getting big, I threw it in the bin. Mom came out of the toilet to smell burning plastic and ran to the kitchen to put it out. I was probably too dumb and lacked of conscience to know that I should get water and put it out but I probably couldn't reach the kitchen tap.

I would continually get caught doing stuff that people can't help but to question them self, "why?". I would stash empty wraps and rubbish and hide it under the fridge, hide it in gaps and still do. I would go outside and have water fights with myself, twist the tap to maximum until so much water came out of the hose, the hose would start moving crazily in the air, enjoyed it too. I would spray silly string or shampoo all over the balcony and back yard, laughed it off.

Shoplifting, haha, the days where I went to the hair-accessory shop where my aunty worked with mom and stole random $#%^, I was under 6 years old when I did this but I would always take pointless stuff like lipstick, eyeliners, hair ties and other things. Never got caught though.

When I was around 8-10 cannot really remember.. I would finish up swimming lessons and mom would be waiting in the car. I always went to the canteen there, one day, I ordered something and the person turned his back for 1 minute trying to get what I ordered and when there was no one around.. I literally just took lollies or candy in its packet and hid it in my pocket. A few seconds later, I turned around and saw the camera up the top, pointing right at me, though I never got in trouble in the end.

This is something, I can never forgive myself for, I feel like utter $#%^ talking about it. When I was in the men's room getting changed from swimming lessons.. I saw a watch on the bench, then a man who was apparently mentally disabled owned that watch (I think he was autistic but he seemed normal except he tilted his neck and his eyes didn't seem right, and my friend also told me he was at this thing for mentally disable), he was the son of one of the swimming instructors there and was in his early twenties.. When he went outside, I quickly took the watch and stashed it into my bag, he came back to realize he forgot his watch and said "Now where did that watch go".. I improvised and said, "A tall man with blonde hair took it, he left not too long ago".
At the moment, I feel like inducing self injury or to put profound disappointment in myself for doing it. I asked God for forgiveness. I wouldn't be surprised if one of my kids if I ever intend to have kids, are disabled.

I've always been a compulsive liar, this involving the type of lying that would be a persuasion for something to go my way and to escape trouble. I was a great improvisor and my friends even advocated me becoming something like a lawyer or solicitor, they were probably just joking. I've always been a liar who would not feel guilty about it and actually felt good that my lie succeeded. I can't help it but I only lie in situations for something to go my way or to escape trouble. I would lie to my parents, peers, teachers, family members and not shed guilt or shame. I'm not proud of it.

Stealing money,
another unforgivable but uncontrollable thing I do.
Ever since I was a kid, I would always steal money off my parents or brothers. Stealing money is pretty self-explanatory but I would feel guilty but felt it was like an unaware negotiation. When I save up enough money, I'm going to surprise my family (especially parents) with money and a gift, hopefully a holiday for mom and dad. When me and my family were visiting a house that was on for sale, there was a sweet army-knife on the bench, lucky I had the rightness of not taking it though, but was considering to take it.

Noises and uncontrollable swearing.
Ever since I was a kid I would make funny faces and irrational sounds, even on my own, through primary school and middle school people saw me as the comedian and copied off my irrational sounds and thought they were cool, so I saw it as good than weirdly bad. I would always swear and yell out things uncontrollably and sometimes rock up punching walls and hitting myself for no reason. People have noticed, they dismissed it as being an idiot. I would also start squeezing or hitting things uncontrollably. I would also just do random things like throw my phone in the air and do a 360 and try catch it, I would do it on concrete or something hard, and yes, I would miss it. I would also laugh uncontrollably for long periods of time, I can't control myself, I laugh when I read out, I can laugh at pointless things and piss myself from it (not literally).

I'm not proud or stand by the things I've done, I developed a fear of going to Hell for eternity and felt suicidal just thinking about these things or that karma will punish me. I hate myself for doing them and it persists. When I got scolded for these impulses, I never really ended up doing it over-and-over because I don't like getting in trouble but would never feel guilty about it.

Now that I'm paranoid and have became a little more religious, some impulses such as shoplifting, stealing off others and SOMETIMES compulsive lying, would fall to ease.
I know people who read this are probably going to classify me as an insensitive and bad person, can't help but to agree with you. I hope opening up doesn't change the way people think about me..
So, where is your head at after all?
PinchOfSanity
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Re: A list of my shameful impulses

Postby Greatexpectations » Thu Feb 09, 2012 11:06 am

I don't think you are a bad person.
I am curious as to whether you have been dx with anything in particular by a professional.
Why do you think you do these things, are your parents supportive of you?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
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Re: A list of my shameful impulses

Postby PinchOfSanity » Thu Feb 09, 2012 11:41 am

Greatexpectations wrote:I don't think you are a bad person.
I am curious as to whether you have been dx with anything in particular by a professional.
Why do you think you do these things, are your parents supportive of you?


Diagnosed with OCD and Paranoia and my parents don't know about it therefore no support. I don't know why I do them, they are just there and it happens.
So, where is your head at after all?
PinchOfSanity
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