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help with identifying triggers

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help with identifying triggers

Postby angel91212 » Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:24 am

** Skip to last paragraph if you dont feel like reading... excuse the grammer.
i know this thread is old, but the title caught my eye. I cant believe how much i relate. ive stolen entire sheet cakes before in order to binge. my stealing didnt used to be about food...when i was in highschool i would steal things like clothes, and i did it with friends. then the bulimia started...when i first got to college, i went through my meal card, which should last an entire semester, in like a month. around this time i also discovered adderall. all of the sudden i had freedom from my eating disorder when i was high on it. i would find myself plucking my eyebrows for hours and popping nonexistent pimples...im so lucky i dont have too many scars. i would use up a months script in a week and spend the rest of the month crashing. thats when the drinking alone started. i had always been a partier, but never an isolate and drink by yourself kind of girl. all this time i lied to my parents about how i was doing in school. i created a webpage that looked like the grade posting page and made up grades...i even gave myself a C to make it seem more believable. i always found a reason to not attend classes. i was able to lie to myself pretty well, and convince myself it would all work out. i spent the days in my apartment binging and purging up to 20 times a day, and the nights going out with friends who had no idea how ###$ up i really was. at one point my toilet broke, so i used the sink to purge in and even go to the bathroom in. i had bags of trash and food containers everywhere. i was spending the entire semester telling myself i could catch up, lying to teachers about surgeries and nonexistent medical issues...but when it came time for finals i was always in a hole to deep to climb out of. at this point i would forge medical documents and do a medical withdrawal so my gpa wouldnt suffer. this happened three semesters in a row. finally i broke, and my parents got me into a treatment center for eating disorders. it was here that i found out i was also an alcoholic... i was drinking up to 2 cases of beer a day, but i figured the drinking was only a symptom of the eating disorder.
i relapsed bad after treatment, and then again when i tried to go back to school. i ended up trying to overdose on concerta, lexapro and nightquil... not even sure if it would have worked. this was the bottom of bottoms for me (at least i hope). i moved back home and started going back to meetings. i was able to quit drinking ( i have over four years now) but the most amount of time i got sober from eating disorder was four months. giving up so many vices just fueled my need for an outlet, and i found it through shoplifting. i also couldnt afford to binge the way i like to, so i would steal. some low points in my sobriety have included me sitting in parking garages binging and then purging in the bathroom there.
this is all probably sounding very convoluted by now. i didnt realize how much i had to tell. at present i am waiting to see if a local grocery store is going to press charges. it has been a week since i last threw up. i came clean with my fiance about getting caught (tho i downplayed it). the humiliation of admitting it has had a very powerful effect on me. he say i need to talk to people about it, but i still cant bring myself to do that with any of my aa friends, so i am going to use this forum for a while.
** i want to stop. i am 30 and about to graduate college, finally, with an engineering degree and then get married. i dont want this $#%^ haunting me for the rest of my life. i have a hard time reaching out for help. i have an even harder time picking up the phone. if this all comes back to impulse control, then what other triggers are out there that i need to be aware of?? so far i have identified going into stores, restricting myself with food and isolation, but i want to be as prepared as i can possibly be. i need the benefit of others hindsight.
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Re: help with identifying triggers

Postby Zelto » Mon Jun 30, 2014 9:10 am

I have recently had a similar issue. The main trigger for me is just being around stuff when I am alone in a store isle. I have not planned to steal anything for a long time but when the opportunity presents itself I will often go for it. Being in smaller and less secure stores generally takes all the excitement out of stealing things. However, when I am in larger stores I feel more compelled to pocket some stuff.
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Re: help with identifying triggers

Postby contactc26 » Mon Nov 03, 2014 1:08 pm

My triggers are mainly boredom and the power it gives me when I can get away with it ...I am not needy... and do not understand my juvenile behaviour... I used to have an ED and still tend to drink too much...I 'm so ashamed of myself ...I suppose it must be a form of anxiety and loneliness that transforms itself into such silly behavior.
Totally senseless.
If any one can relate to this, thanks for letting me know how you deal with this deviant behavior.
I'm a mother of three in full time employement and liked by many .
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