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Help...Feel so alone

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Help...Feel so alone

Postby whentoleave » Fri Apr 30, 2010 7:01 pm

I have been reading through diffent stories about people living with a spouse with DDJ. I am finally ready to tell my story beacuse reading others has helped me so much.
I met my boyfriend two years ago...we moved really quickly and I discovered that i was pregnant early on in the relationship. I started to notice things when i was about four months pregnant. He asked alot of questions...over and over again.
Then in September 2008 the first accusation came we had been out at a play and had stayed at a hotel, the next morning I got up and put on makeup even though I was going home. That meant I was cheating on him. Over the past two years he has accused me of dating someone else who drives a dakota because he has seem it drive past my house. He has said that he "knows" i am sleeping with a guy from his work (even though i have never met anyone from his work) He said our son is not his even though a paternity test has been done to prove that he is. He has left me at least a dozen times over the past two years. He gets so angry it is terrifying and he has even got violent a few times which has left bruises on me. A few months ago I finally got up the strength to leave...the relief i felt for the first time in so long was amazing. I didn't have to walk on "Eggshells". I did not have to be afraid to go home and not know what would happen. But then three months later i went back to him because he was in therapy and he seemed to be doing good. It has been a month now and it has all started again. He did admit to me for the first timet he other day that his therapist believe he has DD but he does not think she is right. It is nice to finally have it diagnosed so i can realize it is not me.
I am working on coming up with the strength to leave him again. It is so hard because i do love him and we have a wonderful baby boy who i want to have a father. For so long i thought it was me and something i was doing. I don't go out with friends, mosly i stay home and try not to give him any reason to think i have lied or cheated. He always tells me if i jsut talk to him and tell him the truth then this will all go away and we can be happy. So many times I have thought about lying and giving into his delusions but I have to much respect for myself to do that. I hope one day soon i can leave again and just focuse on being happy with my son. Hopefully I will never look back.
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Re: Help...Feel so alone

Postby Chucky » Fri Apr 30, 2010 8:47 pm

Heya,

Thanks for posting, and I understand why you want to leave. i think that any sane person would want to do the same in your position. Just one thing though: Have you and he ever sat down to talk candidly/openly about all of this?; or have your exchanges always been at random and in an argumentative way. If you could both arrange to talk each weak at a certain/designated time about things bothering you both, then maybe the relationship can survive. THen again, I certainly won't blame you for leaving. You deserve to be happy, and not to have some other person take your happiness from you.

Kevin
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Re: Help...Feel so alone

Postby whentoleave » Mon May 03, 2010 3:44 pm

I have tried talking to him about this but it is hard for him to stay calm. He thinks it is me not him. He says if I would just take responsability for my actions then it will be fine. How can i take responsiblity for something I did not do. Convincing someone with DD that what they think is not true is impossible.
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Re: Help...Feel so alone

Postby Chucky » Mon May 03, 2010 8:33 pm

That's sad to read/hear about, but if there is no sign of improvement on his part, then stick to your original plan I guess (i.e. leaving). Just don't get stuck in limbo, as that would drag you down the most. Be authoritativea nd forthright, and do what is best for you and you alone here.
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Re: Help...Feel so alone

Postby My2cents » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:49 am

Never tell him his delusions are right. Never. Once you have said something, stick to it. If you ever contradict yourself, he will be sure that everything else you say is a lie, and you won't be able to defend yourself.

Think like the legal system: innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof is on the prosecution. If he accuses you, ask for his evidence, and then point out how his evidence (if he has any) is inconclusive. Call attention to the evidence he does not have; witnesses for example. And start keeping track of how many people he accuses you of sleeping with, and what their relation is to you. The next time he accuses you, you can point to the list (and add the latest one for next time). Demand that he provide evidence strong enough to overcome his absurd record of previous accusations.

If all else fails, then leave, but make sure you tell him it's because of his behavior. Or threaten to leave unless he stops accusing you.

Does he say that his last girlfriend cheated on him? He probably has several ex-girlfriends who all had multiple affairs, or at least according to him. If this is the case, point out how odd and unlikely it is that it would happen to the same person so many times. Even if he doesn't believe he's wrong, it should be obvious that there is a pattern, which he should discuss with his therapist. If you look at all the affairs he thinks you've had, plus those of his exes, I'm sure the list would be impressive.
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Re: Help...Feel so alone

Postby gia111 » Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:10 pm

Ok, well I got married to someone like this, my first son, he swore was not his, for up to a year. Reason being, was his friend was convincing him of this. My husband has OCD though and occasionally depression. So you may want to approach the situation by asking him, if he's ever experienced this before with anyone. Often when people have experienced things like this, they forever on think that other people are the same way. So first you have to change how the person perceives the situation, understand why, then you can change it. Many times, these "psychotic" delusional things, have like a bad experience involved, or a vitamin deficiency, or overactive or underactive thyroid. Namely you have to figure out if the person is malnourished, or what's wrong, what happened in their past that makes them think like this, then change their argument around to make them see the light. Except in very few occasions, people are truly delusional and psychotic, often confirmed by an MRI, ie. extensive brain atrophy or brain mass lacking. In other cases, it's most likely malnutrition, anemia, hypoglycemia, vitamin deficiency, and lack of socializing, or bad traumatic experience. More like PTSD to me, honestly.
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