Our partner

Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Open Discussions about Sexuality and Related Issues.

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby 21cDiogenes » Thu Oct 10, 2024 5:06 am

Hey, Duke..

I hope you don't mind me sharing some thoughts. I don't want to come across as trying to tell you what to do but I hope I can be of some help. If you've read my posts on this thread then you know I can completely sympathize! I wish I had the definitive answer to your (our) problem but, sadly, I don't.

I have been married for over 30 years and have three kids. Very happy.

and
I absolutely love my wife and my family - everything about it


This is what's important. I think you need to come to grips with the fact that, as much as your desire to play with a man's dick is driving you up a wall, it's just not going to happen (or at least it shouldn't). I know full well that's easier said than done. I think you know in your heart, though, that it's not worth sacrificing the beautiful thing you have with your wife and family in order to satisfy your alternative sexual cravings.

That being said, I would suggest that you try to stop dwelling on your desires and stop masturbating over them, You're just feeding that bad dog.

I have a lot of free and private time to peruse those sites and communicate with other men who are similarly curious.


I used to do that as well but I've forced myself to stop. That's just more feeding the bad dog. I've accepted the fact that I'd love to play with a man's fun parts and that will probably never change. This site has actually been quite helpful to that end. These desires still pop into my head but I've now created boundaries for myself that I know I can't cross.

Also, my wife has no desire for sex either. I've talked with her honestly about how the lack of intimacy in our marriage has had a serious negative affect on me and that I really still desire her physically. It wasn't just one discussion but more a series of discussions. She seems to understand and, though It may not be the hot sex we used to have, she will "occasionally" give in to my playful "begging" and she usually winds up enjoying it. This doesn't necessarily stop me from thinking about playing with a man's privates but it does help keep me from obsessing over it.

Like I said, I don't really have a "solution". We're all individuals with our own unique set of circumstances and we'll each have to find our own way to cope with our issues. I don't understand why we have these same sex desires but I do think it's natural. That doesn't mean we should act on them but I don't think you should feel guilty just for having the temptation.

And there's one more thing that has helped me and that's prayer. I don't know where you stand on that but I would be remiss if I didn't mention it. (I know that can be a whole other discussion in itself)

In any case, good luck. I know you can win this battle. As Jerry Seinfeld once said (more or less), we can all be masters of our domain! :)
21cDiogenes
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2023 6:48 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 2:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby DukeYork » Thu Oct 10, 2024 6:02 pm

Wow! You really nailed it. Honestly I have been right at the very brink of hooking up with other men at least a half dozen times and have bailed out at the last minute. I pray a lot, I mean a lot lot. I have prayed for God to save me from myself and I know that particular prayer has been answered many times. My mind does wander though - and far too often. I like your analogy of feeding the bad dog. I’m not sure it was you but someone on this thread suggested redirecting the tendency. I have a lot of hobbies and interests which help. Thank you for your comments and suggestions - they are spot on and very very helpful.
DukeYork
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2024 5:52 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 3:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby 21cDiogenes » Thu Oct 10, 2024 9:47 pm

And, by the way, Duke, I'm not suggesting you reveal your same sex attraction to your wife. That would be entirely up to your discretion. My wife is aware of my alt interests and is understanding but some wives might be horrified and disgusted. I would certainly tread lightly on that!
21cDiogenes
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2023 6:48 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 2:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby Snaga » Fri Oct 11, 2024 6:39 am

21cDiogenes wrote: but some wives might be horrified and disgusted


Only some?

I find that to be the rule, and women that understand, the exception.

My Snagina is particularly hostile to the concept of bisexuality- I think that it is a not-so-subtle warning to just not go there.

Prayer for deliverance is all well and good, but I second the idea of not feeling guilty for the mere state of having the urges. It's pointless, IMO. Having had them for *counts on fingers* 47 years? Ain't managed to pray them away yet. Ideally I'd prefer to stay away from porn, etc., but when you've had same-sex urges since adolescence, you find your resistance wears down.

For me, operating as a purely heterosexual in a closed marriage was difficult after the first six or seven years- the Wikipedia entry on Mixed Orientation Marriage outlines it very accurately, at least for those of us who have always been acutely aware of being Not Straight- after the new wears off a conventional relationship, the same-sex urges are a statistically literal Seven Year Itch. At which time the usual paradigm is the relationship becomes a slow-motion train wreck. Which I have avoided partly because of desire to be faithful, and partly my own fears and phobias- fear of disease in particular, and partly because I very much enjoy staying above room temperature and would like to keep on staying above it with all my bits intact, and lastly in part by making do with fantasy as well as the graven explicit image (porn). I try to minimally do whatever it takes to keep the urges manageable.

For me, the same-sex stuff waxes and wanes. While it's never absent, sometimes it barely bothers me. Sometimes it's all I can do to hang in there.
We do not delete posts.
Please do read the Forum Rules
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 20896
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 2:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby 21cDiogenes » Sat Oct 12, 2024 4:44 am

Hey, Duke.
I'm glad my post was helpful. I hesitate giving advice but your situation sounds so incredibly close to mine I just had to share my thoughts.

My bad dog reference is from a supposed old folklore story which you may have heard some variation of:

The wise elder says that in his chest he has a white dog that wants to do good, and a black dog that wants to do bad, which are always fighting with each other. The young man asks which one wins. He says that the one that he feeds wins.

With respect to prayer; I don't ask that this thorn be removed from my flesh but that I have the strength to resist the temptation to act on these thoughts that ambush me on a fairly regular basis. And, for the clarity of vision to see why the short term pleasure I might get from giving in is not worth the long term pain that would ultimately follow. I know if I was to go there it would be really difficult, if not impossible, to "put the toothpaste back in the tube".

This topic is very near and dear to my..... my heart. Yeah, that's it; my heart :wink: but I'll just leave it there for now.

Hang in there. We can do this! 8)
21cDiogenes
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2023 6:48 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 2:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby DukeYork » Mon Oct 14, 2024 1:42 pm

I can relate and agree with everything you said 100%. I have heard that reference to whichever one you feed and also agree with that. It’s just so binary and frustrating. I can be such a good person and then sometimes the next minute I get these incredibly strong urges. Thanks so much for your comments and support. It’s from God I’m certain of it.
DukeYork
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2024 5:52 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 3:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby 21cDiogenes » Fri Oct 18, 2024 3:18 am

Hey, Duke.
I've been sick for a few days and still feel like crap but I wanted to jump on here briefly with a little more encouragement.

You said,
then sometimes the next minute I get these incredibly strong urges


I just wanted to reiterate that these urges are not something to feel guilty about. Clearly they're not something you want. They're like bait being dangled in front of you hoping you'll bite and get hooked. You need to recognize them as such and block them out, not dwell on them. You mentioned that you prayed. This is the perfect time to have a prayer ready to block these urges. The Lords Prayer usually works for me. (Sometimes I need to say it more than once to kill that intrusive thought). And then find something constructive to do. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "An idle mind is the devil's workshop".

I don't expect that these thoughts we get will ever go away completely but in time with persistence they will become more "manageable".

A friend of mine had a saying that I thought was pretty funny but also sound advice, "Don't let your dick do your thinking"!

And, by the way, I have no idea who you are other than a fellow tortured soul but I'm praying for you. Maybe you can say a little prayer for me.

Now I'm taking two aspirin and going to bed! :D
21cDiogenes
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2023 6:48 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 2:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby Elvenstar » Fri Oct 18, 2024 6:21 am

DukeYork wrote:I can be such a good person and then sometimes the next minute I get these incredibly strong urges.


Note that I post from the point of view of a queer person being queer -if this is not going in the direction you need help for, skip to the end of the queer part.

Urges and desires are not bad, it's what you do with them that can have bad consequences. Now it's up to you what you want to make of them given your own socio-cultural context.

Moral concerns put aside (I'll let you fish out what is a fit for your moral background and what is not) you can still be in a happy hetero marriage and:

- watch gay adult movies
- read gay adult stories
- write gay adult stories
- make gay art (doodles, paintings...)
- use toys (solo or with your wife)

Now, if you are really distressed by your fantasies, that is another subject. Does the distress come from the inside (mental health) or from the outside (fear of being bad because your religion says so)?

If the distress comes from the inside, talking to a mental health provider might be a good idea.

End of the queer part of the post.

If the distress comes only from the mismatch beetween your thoughts and your religion's morality, mental health providers can help you to manage the stress. Also, remember that you are not your thoughts. You cannot "pray the gay away" but you can, metaphorically speaking, pat his head and tell him "not happening, buddy". From experience (not about gay thoughts but about other things) trying to shove the urges under the rug makes them stronger -but giving in to the urges raw is not a good idea either. The middle ground can sometimes be to accept the urges are here, pat their head, tell them "I love you but it's not happening, honey" and go back to your life. Guilt never helped me, but self-compassion did. You can both accept the thought is here and refuse to obey the thought at the same time.

Another thing that helped me was to "transmute" the thought into something else. As an example, a Christian having "gay thoughts" could be "transmuted" into "I want to have a mystical heart-to-heart with Jesus through a prayer of love, that's why my brain is looking at other men in a gay way, because in a human brain, the heart/soul and the body are intertwined and get confused". It helped me more than to make myself sick with guilt, because it was a "way out" rather than a "stay in the situation and feel bad about it" kind of solution.
User avatar
Elvenstar
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2024 5:39 am
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 9:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby 21cDiogenes » Thu Oct 31, 2024 4:55 am

Hi Elvenstar. Thanks for adding your perspective to the discussion.

With respect to your queer section and the things you suggest you can do and
still be in a happy hetero marriage
, would certainly not work for me. It would just aggravate the situation and force me into living a "double life" of deceit with my wife; virtual cheating so to speak., I've given up porn all together and given up masturbation "almost "altogether. :oops: (I guess that makes me queer in a somewhat different way.)

However, you raise some interesting points in the next section. "What you resist persists" is what you describe when you say

trying to shove the urges under the rug makes them stronger[/quote.

I've pondered that concept in the past and arrived at pretty much the same conclusion you did.

accept the urges are here
.

In other words accept who you are, urges and all. The challenge then becomes how to manage the parts of yourself that are not making you happy. I think we're on the same page here.

pat his head and tell him "not happening, buddy"....You can both accept the thought is here and refuse to obey the thought at the same time.


Which brings me to

You cannot "pray the gay away"


This may or may not be true but prayer has been very helpful to me in the area of managing the parts of myself that are negatively affecting my happiness and my relationships.

If the distress comes only from the mismatch between your thoughts and your religion's morality,


There IS a conflict for me between my thoughts and urges and the religious *teachings* on morality that I believe in. But it's not the *religion's morality*. It's my morality that I have arrived at by struggling with the religious teachings and finding them to make sense. That being said, it's not up to me to judge you or anyone else. I have been taught to love you as I love myself and I try to do just that. You may have arrived a your own morality that differs from mine but that's a deep discussion for another time!

Well, I've rambled on longer than I planned. Let me just say we agree on some things and disagree on others but I respect your thoughts, Elvenstar, and appreciate you sharing them. Certainly food for thought. I've read your posts re: relationship struggles and I feel for you. I hope *and pray* that you get through it quickly and find some joy on the other side.
21cDiogenes
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2023 6:48 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 2:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Over 50 and Bi-Curious

Postby Elvenstar » Fri Nov 01, 2024 11:09 am

I am glad that some of my post was useful for you. I do hope you will find peace and balance eventually.

Thank you for the support about my own issues.
User avatar
Elvenstar
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2024 5:39 am
Local time: Wed Nov 06, 2024 9:54 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Sexuality Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests