im lost. i think?

Hello! Im a 25 yo female who has several mental health issues related to my identity and my life overall.
But, the past few years has taken a toll on me that it affects my job. Started going to psychiatrist for a diagnosis and started therapy as well. None works really well and i began to think i might be in denial after all.

I’ve been always living by relying on feelings. Just do whatever i feel like. Many times it didnt end up where i thought its gonna be. Sometimes i can be really impulsive as well. But i keep living like that. Until lately i’ve been feeling like im really a lesbian. It feels so strong that i want to just blurt it out anywhere. It feels like i’ve been living in a lie. And i hate the feeling of lying to people. My heart beats so fast that it hurts so much whenever i got the thought.

This starts way back when i was in middle and high school. I used to think why dont i have boyfriends? Why is it so hard for me to find a boy which appreciate me for what i am? I also had this thought that i wasnt as sexually awakened compared to my friends. I love the holding hand part, the hugging, the talking, the laughing about weird stuffs, but my mind wasnt going in a sexual route. What made me question was the fact that i cannot draw male characters, but i draw a lot of female characters (i used to draw).

For my love life, its basically non existent. But when i fall, i fall hard. I have crushes up to university, but the one i considered my first love was this boy that i was friend with (still am) since middle school days. I used to hate him with passion back then, but turns out he’s really nice but idk why he’s nice only when people not looking. When i first moved to the city i lived in, he was kind enough to told my friends to wait with me because my mom hasnt picked me up yet. We got classes together and got placed in the same group so often. He’s smart but he doesnt try too hard. I used to bring him snacks, dress up for him, trying to impress him basically? But we ended up only as friend and he fell for my bestfriend, my first ever heartbreak, really.

After i graduated highschool, i thought i would find someone there, but turns out i find something else. I turn into porn. I started watching female masturbation stuff, really i didnt know what porn was.. and i think i was aroused because i kept coming back. I started watching straight porn, lesbian porn.. It was as if my brain doesnt work you know? Its my body that moves. I act based on the sensation i was getting. I realized.. wait why do i watch this? why do i get so focused on the girls? And the cycle started.

I read tons of articles, asking on reddit, quora, watch more porn to test, masturbate to test, urges to just come out, realized i started noticing girls more, i get sensation all over my body, started to have dream where i would have sex with women which would left me paralyzed when i woke up, i make imagination in my head to test whether im aroused or not, i called my mom to ask her whether she thought me as a lesbian or not.. everytime i see masculine looking women i would sigh inside and say in my heart ‘this is it..’ and i would get reaction on my private area. even sometimes i would masturbate to get rid of it. im not sure if i want to get rid of the sensation or i liked it so i wanna take it up a notch? i really dont know.

i started having thoughts about my bestfriends, coworkers, random people on the street, even my cousins.. i once even dreamed having sex with my mom.. i know its ###$ up, i know.. it also seems whenever i browse randomly, in tiktok, youtube, instagram, i would come across post saying that im basically in denial, i should come out, random post of pride flags, lesbian flags, feels like a sign you know? but i really dont know guys. Should i continue therapy? Do you guys think im lesbian? Should i come out?

All i know is i noticed guys less now which is really sad because i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. But i remembered i enjoyed falling in love with men even though it ended in heartbreak. Not because i love the angst, i learned how is it to love someone romantically. I want to experience it again.

In all the text you wrote you never state categorically that you would like to date women. Would you? Ask yourself this, beyond physical intimacy can you see yourself spending your time with a woman sharing your days in the same kind of lifestyle a heterosexual relationship would have (cuddling on the couch watching a movie, holding hands, supporting each other, etc)?

You have issues beyond whether or not you are hetero, bi, or interested in same-sex relationships. I'm sorry that therapy doesn't seem to be working because that is what I would recommend. Maybe you need a new therapist. A good part of effective therapy is finding the right match.

Hello, otter. Thank you for making the time to reply.

Honestly speaking, i dont think i can imagine myself in that position. My heart beats so fast thinking about it, idk whether its anxiety or what. Sure, i have friends who are mostly women. We have really supportive friendship for years, used to be roommates with them, still talk regularly now, but i think im content with my friendship with women. We got each other’s back, that’s it. Just that continuous sensation and feelings sometimes hinders me to talk to them and i feel sorry because it seems like i hate people but really i just feel anxious around them.

But yeah, i guess i’ve always have issues about self confidence and being left out. I have thoughts everyday about how my coworkers might hate me or how i offend them because they talk to me less and less. I felt also they left me out, which kinda makes me sad because i see them hang out everytime. Not to mention back then boys called me names because my appearance. Just recently some of them tell me that i look good and really, i dont know how to respond to that, i have difficulty believing it was genuine.. also, idk about this but my dad once found my diary basically how i crushed on this one guy and he told me that i cant have relationship or whatever it is because im a kid, idk whether it stays within me but i remembered i cried for days after that, i was disappointed. Its actually really weird to think about because i really love talking but i have self confidence issues?

I remembered that i was in a test for some job and i think the guy next to me was looking good? Idk i decided to talk to him but then i started thinking oh i dont think he likes it from his reply i should stop talking, and i stopped. Idk what that says about me..

But in a brighter note, i found a new therapist. Im starting a new session next week, we had a session a month ago and he was really helpful, i desperately need this to work and i want this to work.

Hi Cloudy -

I doubt very highly that you are gay but it does seem like you are confused about issues related to sexuality and relationships. A lot of that might be the anxiety and a lack of self-esteem and experience.

You said you went to a Psychiatrist and a Therapist in hopes of finding a diagnosis. I know it didn't go well but did they offer a diagnosis or give you any feedback?

Hello Otter

Thank you for replying. Few years ago when i first go to psychiatrist, the doctor told me I have GAD and severe depression. Took meds and went to therapy, but sadly didnt help. Changed therapist last year, but she said some things which left me paralyzed after the session, confused, crying, and hopeless like i didnt know who i am.

I went through several breakdown thinking and doubting about my sexuality, which is really scary to remember because I remember how it felt. It was like I didnt know who I am at all. My brain feels like breaking down and tears started streaming down my face. Called my mom like a mad man. I can feel my head burning, it was hot, weirdly. I kept thinking, i was scared, i did things to reduce the anxiety, but at that time, nothing really helps. I was too tired I think I passed out..

But, last week I gained some strength and went to another therapist, just because i want to get better, and i was diagnosed with OCD. He explains to me about my pattern and was really helpful overall. It was also really personalized, compared to previous therapists i went to. Probably you are right, I hadnt met the correct therapist for me. I really do hope this one works.

I still deal with this anxious feelings and things i do while im anxious, my thoughts hasnt really stopped, but i dont know, i really wish this one works.

Maybe you’re right. I realized i struggled with self confidence almost all my life and growing up as an anxious kid doesnt help either. I’ve been always anxious about general things, but as I grow up, it became specific, I think when I was in high school, i was anxious and obsessed about the fear of death of myself and people around me. Probably that was the start, but I didnt know.

Thank you Otter for responding.

cloudydays wrote: i was diagnosed with OCD.

Ah, and there it is.

I'm sure Otter has been getting the same vibe I did, reading through this thread. This sounds a lot like the legion of posters to the OCD forum who are very anxious about their sexuality. Without any real proof that they're anything other than what they've always assumed themselves to be.

cloudydays wrote: it also seems whenever i browse randomly, in tiktok, youtube, instagram, i would come across post saying that im basically in denial

Of course the community would say that. Not to be mean here (and I consider myself bisexual, so I'm part of the LGB community) but new gays and lesbians have to come from somewhere. And I think a bit of cheerleading goes on, with folks too quick to say you're gay, when they're not the ones inside your head.

I think the overriding thing here is going to be the OCD diagnosis. OCD is like salt, if flavors everything that goes on in our heads (I'm OCD also). So I'm thinking this is your OCD and anxiety getting the best of you, taking things and making them fit into that box you sound as if you definitely don't want to be in.

But let's set that aside, since we're in the Sexuality forum. Take OCD out of the equation, and Otter has a good point- could you see yourself in a relationship with another woman? Doesn't sound much like it. But I will say that while I can't speak authoritatively about what goes on with women (because I have a 'Y' chromosome) but it's generally accepted that bisexuality is a really big bucket, and speaking as a male and other males that have been in PF, a person can have sexual ideas about, in your case, the same sex, but have no romantic feelings. I'd have to say my fascination with the same sex is rather more carnal than romantic, in my case. Not to say I couldn't live in the situation Otter suggested, but it wouldn't be a natural impulse on my part. I like girls too much!

So sure it could be that you've watched the masturbation porn and part of you feels an interest that's only limited to sex acts. But maybe not, either. This is so complex in humans. It could also just as likely be that you feel more comfortable with the female masturbation porn, because it's a girl and not a guy. Sometimes, I think that's part of what drives my bisexuality- I didn't have good experiences with girls growing up. Maybe part of me still considers them a bit 'off limits' or something. But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I've heard of straight people looking at gay porn, and in the end, sex is sex and sexual imagery can elicit a response in people who have no real world interest in the sex of the person on the screen at all.

That's a big problem in the OCD forum- folks worried about being LGB will test themselves with gay/lesbian porn and well, you're playing with yourself, you're watching sex, the usual outcome is going to happen and they take that as proof that they're gay. Yet are horrified at the idea of being gay. While I wishy-washied a lot over the years and my OCD has played with me like a cat with a mouse, I'm sorry but if a person has a real interest in the same sex, yeah you know it. You can't stay away from it. It's an itch that's not being scratched. And most of the folks I've encountered here who have OCD and worry they're gay, just don't seem to have that itch. They just doubt themselves, constantly. OCD isn't called 'The Doubting Disease' for nothing.