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Exploring your sexual orientation in a hetero relationship

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Exploring your sexual orientation in a hetero relationship

Postby Bubbles91 » Sat Jun 11, 2022 10:08 pm

Hey everyone. This is my first post.

So ever since I was 17 (I’m now 30) I have been through on and off periods of questioning my sexuality. One moment I am convinced that I am just a straight woman with platonic girl crushes, and then one new piece of information I stumble upon that mentions experiences of being bi, ace, etc, which once again sends me into the cycle of questioning.

I have had romantic crushes on a few boys as a kid, but I have had more crushes on other girls (though I usually don’t want to have sex or marry them). I rarely have crushes on guys these days, which of course makes me anxious.

I am currently with my boyfriend of 2 years, but the anxieties of what my true sexual orientation is does interfere with things sometimes. I am at a certain stage of my life and I fear that someday I’ll be in an unfulfilled marriage because I didn’t allow myself to further explore my sexuality.

I told my therapist about this during our last session and how this was getting to me. She said that if this is a significant part of me that has currently gone mostly unexplored then maybe I should find out ways of exploring this without doing anything to compromise my current relationship.

Do any of you have any tips on how I can explore my sexuality without having to do anything immoral like cheat?
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Re: Exploring your sexual orientation in a hetero relationship

Postby Snaga » Wed Jun 22, 2022 4:47 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Bubbles91 wrote:Do any of you have any tips on how I can explore my sexuality without having to do anything immoral like cheat?


Not to intentionally be crude, but as a male my kneejerk reaction- only half in jest- would be 'can I watch?' That's going to depend on the makeup of your boyfriend though, isn't it? But it would be remiss of me not to point that out- not cheating, that way.

Porn, of course, is another venue. Although I personally deride most lesbian porn as probably being created for a male audience. At least, that's my impression. So how 'real' it is, is up for interpretation.

I wonder if there's lesbian romance novels?

I can't think of much, myself, that wouldn't be 'cheating', if that is to be defined as 'keeping it secret from him'. If it involves another person, and he doesn't know, and it would hurt/piss him off to find out, in more than a 'why didn't you let me watch?' fashion, then that rules out all sorts of online interactions with others.

How committed are you to your boyfriend? Is he someone you don't want to lose under any circumstances? How strong is this urge, in you, to see what being with another girl would be like?

I happen to be Bisexual- I chose a heterosexual life- it's what I wanted because I have not near as much romantic/companionship interest in men as I do women, my interest in men being more purely carnal in nature- but I speak from experience that having 'that other itch' can be a real bitch to keep bottled up. I'd counsel better to find out sooner, than not, if this is something that's going to gnaw at you like a relentless, bloodthirsty mouse. I've beaten the odds on mixed-orientation relationships, but statistically they don't hold up too well in the long term. Not from what I've read, anyway.

You mention you don't feel particularly romantic towards other girls, so I'm assuming it is like me with other males, mostly a physical attraction? See and for me, it's not even that I think the male form is more beautiful than the female, it's just more about sex, I guess. Being 'not straight, but not gay' can be really confusing and muddy at times, can't it?
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