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Questioning about my orientation

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Questioning about my orientation

Postby neko99 » Wed Sep 22, 2021 11:27 am

Good evening everyone,
I need help with my sexual orientation. I was born a male and I identify as a male, and when I fall in lover for someone (rarely), the person is always a female. On the other hand, even when I fall in love with someone, I am rarely physically attracted by that person. Instead, I experience something unusual with male bodies, which is difficult to explain. During masturbation, at the beginning I used to think about two persons of different genders, but I have almost always imaged I was not the male, and neither the female. It was just as looking the scene "from the outside", and the male has always had some stereotipically good characteristics (such as an athletic body). I actually like male bodies with some characteristics, while the same does not happen for females. On the other hand, and this happened especially when I was starting exploring masturbation, I don't like the idea of having a penetrative sexual intercourse with a man.
To sum up, I have felt attracted by (a few) females romantically, and I prefer male bodies.
Something "curious" is that I am attracted by slim bodies, while I am usually a bit overweight (not obese, but definitely not slim). When I lost some of my weight recently, I noticed the attraction towards other males' slim bodies decreased.
Now, the problem is not being afraid of being homosexual, or bisexual, or in general not heterosexual, since my family and my friends have always been very open about those topics and would not discriminate me in any way.
But what I want to understand better is if this is a common experience that denotes homosexuality/bisexuality in people that are in the closet or if this is just caused by anxiety, or "envy" towards other males who have a body I consider better than mine.
In terms of sexual experiences, I am 21 years old and a virgin, I have never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I have never actively looked for one. Even when I had the opportunity of having a sexual intercourse with a girl, I instinctively found an excuse to refuse, while the same has never happened with a man (I mean, I have never had the opportunity).
If anyone has any suggestions or experiences to share, I would be grateful!
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Re: Questioning about my orientation

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 22, 2021 11:30 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums....

Such an interesting post!

I'm male(ish) and bisexual. I have a very strong female component to my personality, but I have the body of a man; I definitely present as male and if someone asks me, I'm reluctantly a boy... but a boy, even so!

To contrast my perceptions of my own sexuality, I tend to be more romantically attracted to women; yet are more sexually attracted to men. To make it even more convoluted, I tend to notice clothed females when in public, much more than I do clothed men. In general- there are expections.

However, I prefer images of naked men, to that of naked women- even though I think women have much more appealing bodies. For me, females are more the 'entire package'; whereas men are more about their physique. Also I have a wider range of what I think is physically attractive for girls, than I do for guys.

One thing about bisexuality- it's not consistent! It is such a wide umbrella. One person who is Bi might be completely different from another Bisexual of the same gender, in what they are drawn to. I used to frequent a bisexual men's forum that no longer exists, sadly- and most of the men seemed to be more about the penis, to be blunt, than anything else. A minority of us enjoyed rather more of the man.

neko99 wrote:To sum up, I have felt attracted by (a few) females romantically, and I prefer male bodies.


It's frustrating, isn't it? You're not the first- you won't be the last. There was a poster on here that identified as Gay- which I dispute for reasons that quickly become obvious... he claimed he couldn't at all envision a relationship with another man, only a woman- yet was completely indifferent- perhaps even repulsed- by the female form. Sex with a woman was 100% off the table for him. Now, I call that bisexual, but that's just me- Bisexual to an extreme disparity between sexual and romantic attractions. I don't wish that on anyone.

I prefer female companionship. I prefer clothed females to clothed males. I prefer naked males to naked females. And finally, I prefer the idea of same-sex sexual intercourse, than opposite sex.

It's.. frustrating. Nothing will ever quite 'fit'- I can only choose what I most want in the long term- for me, that was a heterosexual relationship. Still in it, seemed like a good idea at the time- but it will take work. Mixed-orientation relationships have a higher-than-average rate of crashing and burning. A lot higher. Acc'd to Wikipedia it usually stays quiet for the one who's not only or primarily attracted to the sex of their partner; then after five years or so it starts to boil over. I have beaten those odds, but at the cost of suppressing my other desires.

neko99 wrote: if this is just caused by anxiety, or "envy" towards other males who have a body I consider better than mine.


If it's merely admiration... I don't see anything inherently homosexual in that. It all depends I guess, on if you want to mess around with another dude. When you say you don't like the idea of penetrative sexual intercourse with a man, do you mean in either direction? As either the Top, or the Bottom? What would you envision doing with another male?
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Re: Questioning about my orientation

Postby neko99 » Thu Sep 23, 2021 8:46 am

Thank you for your answer, it has been really useful!

Different from the example of the other guy who identified as homosexual, I don't feel completely indifferent to women bodies. I try to be more precise. At the beginning of puberty, when I started masturbating, I thought about heterosexual relationships in which I was the male part, but not "in my body", but rather in the body of someone else, that I deemed more attractive, for example. This is what I meant when I said watching it from the outside. Through the years, I started fantasizing about homosexual relationships between two other males, and later about being one of them. But what I find exciting is not much the penetrative part (independently on being top or bottom), but touching the other guy's body, for example. In fact, sometimes I fantasize about being the top, but again I am not attracted by the penetration act in itself. Everything could happen without penetration and it would be the same.

Also, it is difficult for me to get excited by just seeing a naked body, independently on the attractiveness and on the gender, and I rarely watch porns, which are not very exciting to me as well.

I remember one episode that might give a better insight of my preferences. When I was at the kindergarten, I remember I found myself looking at other children bodies. Of course I did not know what homosexual meant, and I was just somehow "attracted" by them. I think that this "attraction" may have been caused by the fact that I found in those bodies characteristics I wanted to have and that I didn't have. Apart from being more or less slim, I appreciate the bodies without moles, while I have some. Now, I don't know if this is actually attraction towards male bodies or just wanting to "compare" those bodies with my body. In the second case, I am in fact a person that does not care much about being judged or criticized by other persons.

In the case of girls, sometimes I "force" myself in masturbating thinking about them. I need to force myself because now it is not natural for me to think about this kind of relationship, while in the past it was. When I do, however, I am often more excited by my fantasies at the end. And this is something "strange" again: why should I "force" myself to do something when it is not something I am repulsed by?

I also took the HOCD test (several times), and it indicates a mild risk of having it. But also when filling it, there were some questions I couldn't give an answer like "yes or no", for the reasons I explained above, which makes that test a bit unreliable for my case I think. And I am "afraid" that answering in a certain way may be conditioned by the fact that I "want" to have HOCD. Indeed, even though I would not have problems in accepting an orientation different than the heterosexual one, and so my friends and relatives, I don't hope so, since even if I live in a country were fundamental rights for LGBT+ people are respected, it is not an "ideal" situation. There is still discrimination, for example for homosexual and trans people.

Another "interesting" fact: I heard the word "gay" when I was in elementary schools, where children sometimes joke about it. So I asked its meaning, and at the beginning I was like "Is this possible? I have never considered this!" but at the same time it looked like something in a certain way "familiar" to me, as far as I can remember.

Later, my fantasies about male bodies started before watching the first porn video (which is again something quite recent, since I don't find them particularly entertaining).

And also, even though it might seem the opposite from this thread, I don't feel anxious about my sexual orientation, since I don't think it is something I can change in any way. I just find annoying not understanding if mine is a real (sexual) attraction, not fully accepting my body, or maybe HOCD, or something else. Maybe trying to have a better physical body could help me understanding this better, but at the same time I believe that the desire of changing my body (that is, after all, starting doing some sports) should not be caused by the desire of "verifying" my sexual orientation, but rather by having for example an healthier lifestyle. Otherwise I fear I could start struggling to reach a "perfect" body nobody has. And what is "incredible" is that I am usually a very rational person, so I know (rationally) that everybody has defects of various types.

I also don't know if I am in denial, since I really would have no problems in being homosexual, bisexual... I also know people that are homosexual or have homosexual relationships, and when I discovered this, our relationship has not changed at all... for me it is absolutely natural not being heterosexuals.
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Re: Questioning about my orientation

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 23, 2021 3:29 pm

You don't sound at all as if you have HOCD. Not to me, anyway. The people here that get obsessive-compulsive fears about being a homosexual are generally terrified- they understand intellectually that they aren't biased against other people being homosexual; yet they see the very idea of being themselves homosexual, as the End Of The World. The mere idea is viewed as if it were an existential threat to their life. They're panicked; they're often frantic; they seek assurance; they're not at all calm about it; and they're nearly impossible to console.

You don't seem any of those things, except for the vague wish that this is in fact, HOCD.

But even then, you seem to be worried more about just the fact that life is harder being LGBT. People with HOCD just carry worry to the extreme, and beyond. Since it's an unreasonable anxiety, you get the sense that the thought they could be gay completely demolishes their sense of self, and they're terrified at the notion. Also, very few of the people with HOCD here seem to have much of a history of homosexual thoughts, other than just normal exploration as children and young adolescents. The HOCD is something that seemingly hits them like a ton of bricks out of nowhere, in response to a thought, or an offhand comment from someone else, or something they saw online or the television, or even an insult hurled at them.

You seem as if this is more merely genuine curiosity.

I'm no expert on anything- I'm just a moderator that likes to talk. But I have OCD.. and I'm Bisexual... while I've had lots of angst over the years concerning my screwed-up sexuality, I can say I've never had HOCD as it usually presents. I feel as if being Not Straight, and being OCD, give me a little bit of an edge when reading stories here, because I know what it's like to have OCD, but I also know what it's like to be genuinely horny for the same sex. Meh. It is, what it is.

The way you write, I sometimes get the impression of someone who's partially asexual when it comes to other people. There are, after all, asexuals who still crave companionship or limited forms of sexual contact with their preferred gender. Yet aren't particularly interested in having sex.

Also you do admit that you seem to idealise the male form. Perhaps... perhaps there is some mild body dysphoria going on and you find yourself fantasizing of being that more perfect male. It reminds me of autogynephilia, in which a straight male- who identifies as male- will crossdress because he has a fetish of being the sexy woman- he's attracted to them but gets excited at the idea of being one. I think I have a little of that, myself.

Sexuality is damn confusing, isn't it? I liken being bisexual to a jigsaw puzzle where no two puzzles are the same. It's convoluted, and things intertwine in odd ways.

There used to be a very excellent sexual orientation test out there, that went beyond the simple Kinsey-based tests floating around the internet. Called the Flexuality Test. There are now several posers out there, but the genuine test was found here:

https://flexuality.wordpress.com

Unfortunately, and extremely aggravatingly, you must have Javascript and Flash to take the test. And Adobe officially discontinued Flash- the end of life was the last day of 2020:

https://www.adobe.com/products/flashpla ... -life.html

Flash is considered too much of a security risk, so they finally killed it.

No up-to-date browser runs Flash now, and the workarounds I've tried are clunky at best.

And it's a damned, damned shame, because that was the most complete, thought out, nuanced sexuality test I've ever taken. And gave back the most processed data of any of them.

This is what the output looked like:

https://images2.imgbox.com/cf/76/6PMhpaXK_o.png

Those were my test results. Ambisexual, is being more or less able and willing to be sexually attracted to, and have sex with, males and females both. As you can see, that's my overwhelming result. Heteroflexible is what is often called, 'bi-curious'; and Flexamorous is the ability to fall in love with the same sex, but not necessarily feeling as equally attracted sexually, as Ambisexual. Notice whatever I am, 'straight' ain't it, nor is 'gay'. Not at all.

It's the most accurate test I feel I've ever taken on the subject.

The fact we can't take it any longer, sucks. And not in the fun way.
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Re: Questioning about my orientation

Postby neko99 » Sat Sep 25, 2021 7:22 am

Thank you so much for you answer! :)
I was able to take the test using a legacy browser, by the way, and the results were more or less what I expected: predominantly ambisexual (which, as far as I understand, includes all many different nuances), a little bit heteroflexible, and a little bit queer. There is no straight and no gay at all.
In the graph on the right, all the values were very low with the exception of "Restrained", which was quite high, and "Transitioning" which was a bit higher than the others, but still low. I think this is because in everyday life I don't talk about sexuality.
This could be another interesting topic. Why don't I talk about it considering that the people I know are open about the topic? Rationally, there would be nothing scary in doing so, but there is still something that prevents me from doing so. I always tell to myself that when I will be in a relationship, facts will speak by themselves, rather than words, but I don't know if there is something that in some way blocks me. Consider that on other topics, such as politics, I make my ideas clear, even if the parties I vote don't have many voters (I guess there are more LGBTQ+ people than voters for the parties I usually vote). And everybody knows I think LGBTQ+ is perfectly normal. Same with religion... everybody knows I am agnostic, even though the majority of the people in my country are Christian, and my best friends are very Christian. But with my sexual orientation, I don't know, it is different... I will think about what to do, if anything :)
You know what? I think there is no reason to assign a label to my orientation, after all. But this helped me in understanding that what I feel is probably not just an obsession, but my nature :)
Thank you again!
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