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Wanting help with my sexuality

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Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Thu Jun 10, 2021 4:21 pm

About a month ago I made my first post on this website in the OCD forums explaining my situation and for all intents and purposes it almost sounds like ocd, THE ONE problem I have is that I have a genuine attraction to men, now I don't like that I'm attracted to men but there's probably nothing I can do about it. Everybody on the ocd forum describes themselves as either knowing there not attracted to men or (in one case) saying that there brain is telling them there attracted to men. That's not how I feel though most things about ocd could be similar to my situation in the past 9 months it hasn't been because like I said I now have a GENUINE attraction to men and as much as I dislike it and as much as I check to see if it's gone away and things have gone back to normal it's just hasn't and as depressing as it is I just don't expect it to and I'm just trying to come to terms with that it's hard but as much as I haflte to say it that's the best thing for me in the long run. There are days where I wish I wasn't a sexual being and there's days where I'm not as stressed and my attraction to women us just a tiny bit stronger then my attraction to men as my h as I dislike the fact that I'm attracted to men there's probably nothing I can do so I just wanted to ask for help from anyone who can help me because this is both a scary depressing and emotionally draining experience for me
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:11 pm

What's scary about it? You like it and want it- I understand there's aspects to it that give a person pause, but the thing itself should feel thrilling that you want what you want.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Thu Jun 10, 2021 6:32 pm

Snaga wrote:What's scary about it? You like it and want it- I understand there's aspects to it that give a person pause, but the thing itself should feel thrilling that you want what you want.



The scary part about it is that I'm going to confirm my fears of liking more of homosexuality then I already do, because like I said I already find men attractive I just don't like it so I see that as just one step down that road if that makes any sense
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 10, 2021 11:22 pm

I'm still confused as to why there's fear associated with this. I mean, yes there are fears, I've had them. But they were centered around fearing to act on them because of other things associate with it. Fears of being found out; or STDs. That kind of thing.

Not to say I didn't (and still) have angst over not just being straight. I'm straight enough to wish I wasn't anything else. But angst isn't necessarily fear. I just want to know exactly what you mean by 'fear'. Anxiety? What level of anxiety? Is this a terror? Or more like 'crap I wish I wasn't this way'.

And angst or not- there's a desire, is there not? Part of you wants it, and wants it bad, yes?
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Fri Jun 11, 2021 1:14 am

it does scare me that I would want a relationship with a guy and that I might act on it with that being said I also don't want to be attracted to men and I don't want a relationship I think, but I don't think there's much I can do about it I'm just more or less depressed because it showed itself fairly recently as apposed to showing itself when I was 10,11or 12 I'd think it would of been far simpler had it showed itself than I just can't imagine living my life being attracted to men for the rest of it( I know that's a contradiction) I mean sure I like women and I want a relationship with one but for 7 years that's what I exclusively wanted and the fact that I remember how I felt back then and the feelings associated with it is what's making me depressed because I remember being something else, what I'm trying to say in this long winded post is that my fear is that I'm going to like being in a relationship with a guy

Theres more I could talk about but I don't think it would flow well in my already janky literacy and I think I answered the question.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Fri Jun 11, 2021 1:19 am

Followup to my last post I have fear I'm going to change because if I just so happened to find men attractive 9 months ago at this stage in life (I'm 17) than what else about my sexuality could change or could I figure out
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Sun Jun 13, 2021 5:22 am

"And angst or not- there's a desire, is there not? Part of you wants it, and wants it bad, yes?"

I can't figure out how to quote so here goes:

I don't know whether I want to or not a year a go it would of been a definite no but now I'm not sure I just don't know wheather I could go through with it or not And I'm not sure whether or not I want it like when I see an attractive guy I freak out for whatever reason
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Sun Jun 13, 2021 5:28 pm

Kaleb28 wrote:I can't figure out how to quote


You can either highlight some text in your reply, and use the Quote button...

or you can scroll down to the Topic Review, below the panel you're writing your reply, highlight the text in someone's post you wish to quote, then hit that Quote button that's in the past message, and it will automatically insert it, and add the author's name to it- which is how I quoted you.

Like such:
Image

Kaleb28 wrote:when I see an attractive guy I freak out for whatever reason


That freaking out sounds like OCD to me, but them I'm biased towards folks posting to OCD having an unreasonable fear of something and not generally being that thing.

Indeed, the only reason I'm entertaining the notion, to be blunt, is that you said this began around 14. I'm personally willing to entertain male sexuality being malleable at that age. I began to realise my bisexuality a year or two before that. The empirical evidence I've read about is that while it might be fixed at birth, male sexuality is definitely known- via research- to be fixed no later than 15. by virtue of those were the youngest test subjects of the researcher I've read about. The sexologist- his name escapes me atm- believed it was from birth, but that isn't proven by his research- only that by fifteen it's definitely fixed. personally, I think it's going to be a combination of a person's brain and environment, and it's going to be somewhere between birth and 14 or 15 that a male's sexuality is locked in.

that's based on my light reading, and my own personal experience. I didn't think much of same-sex fun and games before I was groomed at 12 or 13 years old. Then it was like a switch was turned on in my head. Although before that age I'd had rather mundane childhood experimentation with the same sex. Which most kids quickly grow out of. I however, never did, I remained fascinated with the idea of fooling around with other boys. But my grooming is what actually created the connection in my mind- that hey two guys can have sex. And it was instantly titillating.

If this all started with just an idle thought that created panic, I don't think you're gay or bi. Because incessantly ruminating on it creates all sorts of OCD confusion. But if looking back, you can say hmm I've always been drawn to want to fool around with another boy, well... that's a different story.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Sun Jun 13, 2021 5:29 pm

Keeping in mind, that adolescent experimentation really doesn't count. It's coming out the other side of early adolescence, and still desiring it, that makes me say well okay I must be Bi.
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Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Sun Jun 13, 2021 5:47 pm

I don't remember ever desiring it between those years, no, quite the contrary I'd obsess that women wouldn't desire me do to my bad hand eye coordination (I read somewhere that women prefer men who have good hand eye coordination because that means they have a better chance at winning a fight and protecting there offspring) and then of course that would make me think during times where I'd think that I'm gay that that means this is nature's way of eradicating name from the gene pool, anyway I'll try not to ramble point being I don't remember desiring men though I remember one instance and this only ever happened once where I found a man attractive when I was 15 I think
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