Wanting help with my sexuality

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place I know what I need to do to get out of the situation I'm in but at the fear is great, what do I do, do I just muster up the courage to go talk to a therapist do I just accept that yeah these thoughts feelings and such will be here forever and I need to let go in order to talk to a therapist because honestly that's where I'm at right now I'm afraid that I'm going to get out of the whole thing and I'm just going to remain attracted to men forever, now of course I could not talk and the attraction will also be there forever so it doesn't really make a difference either way. Ultimately I need to let go of the past but Everytime I do I just get scared like well great this isn't going the way I want it to go. I literally gotten envious of straight people and saddened because I can't be that anymore.

So I'm going to my doctor's next week, a little afraid but this past week I've become more comfortable with my attractions and fantasies so I think and hope that it will be easier for me to talk about this.

I feel comfortable right now I still have suicidal thoughts and urges but right now it's more of an it is what it is, I still miss my past but I kind of want to be bisexual (now of coarse while I say that I'll probably flstart stressing out again) I at the same time to some extent kind of don't want my past back, though I've read of stories from so called "ex-gays" who went to therapy (almost always about some form of abuse from there childhood (I was never abused)) who are able to date women because therapy helped them figure there sexual self out in some way. Though again I sometimes think about suicide and the idea that im always going to be attracted to men and the fact that I have my entire life to live and the fact that I can't relate entirely with other people, I also read a story about a 29 year old on Reddit who suddenly had his attractions reversed and it sounds so similar to me. Anyway I'm going to the doctors next week so now I'm hopefully If I don't ###$ this up getting proper help. ughhh life would so much easier If I was how I am currently

When I get the ocosional attraction to women I feel a little anxious, I think part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't had a major attraction to women in so long that when I get it it comes at me with a bit of a surprise like I haven't felt this In a while this is odd. I think part of it is "well this is never stable when will things go back to the stress I've been experiencing" it's quite odd

Snaga wrote:I'm glad you're seeing someone!! This isn't holding your breath hoping against some fatal medical diagnosis

I hope I'm interpreting this correctly anyway:

I'm very nervous I'm honestly more scared that he/she is going to say that this isn't my aanxiety.

Snaga wrote:don't consider this an existential threat to you. OCD makes everything existential.

Does ocd make everything seem fatalistic? or that it rocks the very foundations upon which you base your entire identity. Forgive my ignorance but I haven't read much on existentialism if that's even the correct philosophical idea that your referring to.

I mean, I feel like I'll have to restructure my life and that I won't be able to have what I use to (and may still ) want.

-- Sat Oct 09, 2021 7:28 pm --

So a sense of loss

Oh and a sense of hopelessness