Hello, and welcome to the forums...
What an interesting post! Although you may not find it so interesting, being in the middle of it.
I have a similar life experience... a little experimentation at similar ages (which I think is perfectly normal). The interest with the clothes. However, for me, throw a pederast grooming me, into the mix.
For a long time, a lot of my own fantasies have revolved around being female, or a mix of genders. Without resorting to fetishistic, or derogatory (to some) language, think Bailey Jay.
It took me a long time to finally decide (or accept?) that I'm bisexual... every sexual test I've taken, points at being just about in the middle, sexually. Like you, when it comes to the male form, I think the attractions are more carnal, than romantic- I'm not saying it's not possible, but it's something that would have to be cultivated... I don't just look at a guy and think he's 'dreamy', like I would a girl. Although the feminine side of me can appreciate that, if that makes any sense. I will say, unlike what you said, I'm not in the least, turned off by vaginas... I'm not sure they're a turn on by sight alone, but they're pretty fun to play with...
A lot of gender tests put me towards the middle. Some put me as more masculine, some more feminine. But I'm definitely not strongly masculine in my personality, apparently.
When I was your age, I thought similar thoughts, about what I would do, were I moved far away on my own, away from family. I... casually toyed with the idea of being trans. At that age, I was in the same situation as far as sexual activity (that I consciously remember, sometimes I think I have blocked memories with my pederast) and relationships. That changed about a decade later and I'm in a heterosexual LTR.
I'm not as fit as you- I was never very athletic, but I was skinny for a long time. And I have a history of sexual abuse- but... I didn't mean to make this about 'me', but to show how strongly your story resonates with me, and how similar I feel you are to me, when I was your age.
Ultimately, I decided I wasn't trans. It's like... I wish I was? Which is a perverted, evil wish, because it's not an easy thing when you truly have gender dysphoria. It's like, if I could have chosen at conception? I would have wished the swimmer that got to my egg, was carrying an X chromosome. It wasn't, however, and to me, that's pretty much that. At your age, I strongly wanted to be both male and female- the older I get, the more I just wish I'd been born female, but not enough to transition, even if I could pass. It just feels like too much trouble, and isn't going to erase the biological reality that I'm XY (as far as I know). I've taken some trans tests, and have always fallen short.
It's very controversial, and in the Gender Identity forum, would pull down hatred upon my head (but I'm the moderator, so I'm used to being hated on, meh), but the word 'autogynephilia' has popped up in some tests that are now considered politically incorrect, and beyond the alphabet crowd pale. Which is a shame, because we are all individuals and I feel there's this attempt to collectivize sex and gender into groups, and you must conform to whatever the current orthodox thought is. But this is such a personal, intimate thing, it really does us all a disservice. But for me, the word fits, to an extent. I don't have true gender dysphoria.
All of which is to get at, you don't sound as if you do, either. People who really have it, are utterly miserable as their birth sex. I can think of people on this forum, for whom transition was a gift from the gods. One FtM in particular was in such a poor mental state, before he finally felt free to transition- every time he's checked in, since beginning, the difference even in a text-based medium such as this, is palpable. I used to be so worried for him, but to hear from him now is a joy. Part of my brain can't understand FtM, because, of course, from my point of view- I've thought about being female, who wouldn't want to be, right? It's the most wonderful form to appear in! But, I have to remind myself, that street runs both ways... and I'm so happy he is finally transitioning.
That's really my personal bar, someone has to meet, for me to readily agree they're trans. You have to be utterly (not a little, not back-and-forth, but I-want-to-die-utterly) miserable being the gender you are. Anything short of that, I think needs to be approached very cautiously.
You sound a lot like me- not strongly in either camp, in regards to sexuality or gender. I finally decided I was Bi, and I think that explains a lot, and maybe goes some way towards explaining my flirtation to the idea of being the other gender, without committing to anything. Maybe that's a way we deal with the same-sex desires, some of us. There's a sex/gender researcher who nowadays, is all but burned in effigy by the aforementioned orthodoxy, that decided there was a subset of transgender men who had a basis in that, if I'm recalling it correctly. For me, I'd throw in, that my personality would have been much more suited for a female body. I envy the freedom they have for a wider range of presentation and expression, in the Western World, than I feel as if I have, as male.
You also have to wonder, if starting late at having relationships, makes us more fascinated with the idea of being that which we desire- the autogynephilia. Another dirty word, but I think to an extent, it fits me. That's something a person can only decide for themselves.
To the gender... I would say, in the absence of very strong feelings of hatred for what you are, I'd counsel doing nothing.
To the sexuality... only you can say, but you might have to come to the conclusion that whatever you are, you're not straight. It's perfectly possible to have different kinds of attractions to the same/opposite sex, as you well know from your own self. Bisexuality is a pretty big umbrella. I feel as if I tend romantic with women, and with men it's more the physical acts that attract. Our physical and romantic desires don't always match, and if they mismatch to a large degree, well, that can be a bitch.
Here's the test I usually recommend. I come out 'ambisexual' on it.
https://flexuality.wordpress.com/take-the-test/It also takes a little gender-bending into account. It's one of the most comprehensive sexuality tests I've taken. I really don't feel the need to post links to any other sexuality tests, after having tried this one.
This is a transgender test that in the current political climate, is liable to get me burned at the stake, for sharing (as long as I'm mod, however,
all points of view can/should/will be discussed), but here it is:
http://www.transsexual.org/TEST0.htmlThe COGIATI. It gets a lot of hate, but it helped me... because we are Not. All. The. Same. despite repeated attempts to put all thoughts of transgenderism, into the same box.
I'll throw in a favorite gender test (not aimed at transgenders) of mine, the Bem Sex Role Inventory. On it, I usually come out as fairly strongly feminine- some say it's dated (it was first thought up in the 70s) and so maybe relies a little on old stereotypes... but people forget, stereotypes are stereotypes, for a reason- because broad generalisations tend to hold true. Without being written in stone, naturally.
https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/OSRI/It falls short of asking me when my next period is... but not far from it, usually, either. I usually come out about halfway between the halfway point, between male/female, on the female side. So about two thirds, to three quarters, possessing more feminine personality attributes, than male. Although just a look at my lifestyle it's abundantly clear I have a Y chromosome- I'm just too much like 'a guy' in some ways, I feel.
Anyway give those tests a try, I'd be curious to see what you get. I'll retake them too, when I get the chance. I'd like to remind myself of my own results- I don't think male sexuality is very malleable, I firmly believe it's set by the time we pass adolescence, but I do think I have ebbs and flows that sometimes cause minor shifts.