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Need help and insight...very confused.

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Need help and insight...very confused.

Postby RedLeaf9113 » Sat Feb 08, 2020 4:32 pm

Hi guys,

Thank you to anyone who reads this, I will try my best to keep to the point! My thoughts on the subject are bit scrabbled but I will try my best to keep it all coherent.
For perspective I am a 28yr old male.

Basically, I am extremely confused about both my sexual orientation and gender identity. I will go into massive mood shifts in my identity. It could be months between switching.

I only fantasise about men sexually, I have never really developed feelings for a male only females. Most of the time I fantasise it is that I am the female regardless of the gender of the others involved. Vaginas also tend to be a turn off for me. When I stop fantasizing, I am almost always disgusted with myself about what I fantasize about and my mind switch back to heterosexual male – however short period that would be.

The majority of my fantasies tend to be based around BDSM, when it is about standard sex it is again extremely likely that it is as me as the female.

I have never been in a relationship or had sexual activity (with exception as stated later). Without trying to sound arrogant I consider myself a good looking person and physically have never had much problem getting female attention. I am pretty shy and not confident which has a lot to do this. I would always push someone away if I had the chance of something happening sexually, again down to confidence but also worried they may find my naked self ugly – in particular to body hair.
When I was about 12 I did ‘mess’ around with a male friend of mine (Multiple times). We would take it in turns to pretend to be the male and female. I would always look forward to being the female and didn’t have much interest in being the male.

When I was young (not sure on the age I started – probably early teenage years) I would secretly cross dress when I had the chance. This is still something I still do, but very rarely have the opportunity.

When I consider my personality it is more male with male hobbies. However I worry that to an extent that is because I supress my more feminine traits. Even just small things like my choice in film. My family think I love action heavy films (and I do enjoy a bit of action) but I also really enjoy rom coms and more feminine films. For example I really enjoyed the Twilight Series, Bridget Jones and 50 shades of grey but I would not be caught dead admitting that. I don’t enjoy films with too much action (John Wick for example).

My head keeps switches back and forth from wanting to be male or female. This makes things like the gym really difficult. I am a fairly strong person and who works out pretty regularly but as soon as I make more progress I suddenly I want to stop and I want to become feminine. Then my head may go back to wanting to hitting the gym hard. It makes things very complicated and above all confusing.

Sometimes I think it might be that I’m convincing myself that it’s pointless thinking of being female as I won’t pass – I’m 6ft2 and a large build. I also convince myself because I think of what my family may think – I am the only son in a large family. However, this could also be fabrication and my desire to be female because of a loose screw in my head.

Currently I am in the state of mind where I want to move out to a different location where I can have the space I need to create a feminine body and try being female but then I worry in a couple of months my head will be completely out of that state and worry about the damage I may of done to myself. I am both worried of action and inaction.

Thank you to anyone who read the above, I guess I’m trying to just get help on realising who I am, and the steps I should take in the future to feel confident that I’m doing the right thing.
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Re: Need help and insight...very confused.

Postby Snaga » Tue Feb 11, 2020 8:57 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums...

What an interesting post! Although you may not find it so interesting, being in the middle of it.

I have a similar life experience... a little experimentation at similar ages (which I think is perfectly normal). The interest with the clothes. However, for me, throw a pederast grooming me, into the mix.

For a long time, a lot of my own fantasies have revolved around being female, or a mix of genders. Without resorting to fetishistic, or derogatory (to some) language, think Bailey Jay.

It took me a long time to finally decide (or accept?) that I'm bisexual... every sexual test I've taken, points at being just about in the middle, sexually. Like you, when it comes to the male form, I think the attractions are more carnal, than romantic- I'm not saying it's not possible, but it's something that would have to be cultivated... I don't just look at a guy and think he's 'dreamy', like I would a girl. Although the feminine side of me can appreciate that, if that makes any sense. I will say, unlike what you said, I'm not in the least, turned off by vaginas... I'm not sure they're a turn on by sight alone, but they're pretty fun to play with...

A lot of gender tests put me towards the middle. Some put me as more masculine, some more feminine. But I'm definitely not strongly masculine in my personality, apparently.

When I was your age, I thought similar thoughts, about what I would do, were I moved far away on my own, away from family. I... casually toyed with the idea of being trans. At that age, I was in the same situation as far as sexual activity (that I consciously remember, sometimes I think I have blocked memories with my pederast) and relationships. That changed about a decade later and I'm in a heterosexual LTR.

I'm not as fit as you- I was never very athletic, but I was skinny for a long time. And I have a history of sexual abuse- but... I didn't mean to make this about 'me', but to show how strongly your story resonates with me, and how similar I feel you are to me, when I was your age.

Ultimately, I decided I wasn't trans. It's like... I wish I was? Which is a perverted, evil wish, because it's not an easy thing when you truly have gender dysphoria. It's like, if I could have chosen at conception? I would have wished the swimmer that got to my egg, was carrying an X chromosome. It wasn't, however, and to me, that's pretty much that. At your age, I strongly wanted to be both male and female- the older I get, the more I just wish I'd been born female, but not enough to transition, even if I could pass. It just feels like too much trouble, and isn't going to erase the biological reality that I'm XY (as far as I know). I've taken some trans tests, and have always fallen short.

It's very controversial, and in the Gender Identity forum, would pull down hatred upon my head (but I'm the moderator, so I'm used to being hated on, meh), but the word 'autogynephilia' has popped up in some tests that are now considered politically incorrect, and beyond the alphabet crowd pale. Which is a shame, because we are all individuals and I feel there's this attempt to collectivize sex and gender into groups, and you must conform to whatever the current orthodox thought is. But this is such a personal, intimate thing, it really does us all a disservice. But for me, the word fits, to an extent. I don't have true gender dysphoria.

All of which is to get at, you don't sound as if you do, either. People who really have it, are utterly miserable as their birth sex. I can think of people on this forum, for whom transition was a gift from the gods. One FtM in particular was in such a poor mental state, before he finally felt free to transition- every time he's checked in, since beginning, the difference even in a text-based medium such as this, is palpable. I used to be so worried for him, but to hear from him now is a joy. Part of my brain can't understand FtM, because, of course, from my point of view- I've thought about being female, who wouldn't want to be, right? It's the most wonderful form to appear in! But, I have to remind myself, that street runs both ways... and I'm so happy he is finally transitioning.

That's really my personal bar, someone has to meet, for me to readily agree they're trans. You have to be utterly (not a little, not back-and-forth, but I-want-to-die-utterly) miserable being the gender you are. Anything short of that, I think needs to be approached very cautiously.

You sound a lot like me- not strongly in either camp, in regards to sexuality or gender. I finally decided I was Bi, and I think that explains a lot, and maybe goes some way towards explaining my flirtation to the idea of being the other gender, without committing to anything. Maybe that's a way we deal with the same-sex desires, some of us. There's a sex/gender researcher who nowadays, is all but burned in effigy by the aforementioned orthodoxy, that decided there was a subset of transgender men who had a basis in that, if I'm recalling it correctly. For me, I'd throw in, that my personality would have been much more suited for a female body. I envy the freedom they have for a wider range of presentation and expression, in the Western World, than I feel as if I have, as male.

You also have to wonder, if starting late at having relationships, makes us more fascinated with the idea of being that which we desire- the autogynephilia. Another dirty word, but I think to an extent, it fits me. That's something a person can only decide for themselves.

To the gender... I would say, in the absence of very strong feelings of hatred for what you are, I'd counsel doing nothing.

To the sexuality... only you can say, but you might have to come to the conclusion that whatever you are, you're not straight. It's perfectly possible to have different kinds of attractions to the same/opposite sex, as you well know from your own self. Bisexuality is a pretty big umbrella. I feel as if I tend romantic with women, and with men it's more the physical acts that attract. Our physical and romantic desires don't always match, and if they mismatch to a large degree, well, that can be a bitch.

Here's the test I usually recommend. I come out 'ambisexual' on it.

https://flexuality.wordpress.com/take-the-test/

It also takes a little gender-bending into account. It's one of the most comprehensive sexuality tests I've taken. I really don't feel the need to post links to any other sexuality tests, after having tried this one.

This is a transgender test that in the current political climate, is liable to get me burned at the stake, for sharing (as long as I'm mod, however, all points of view can/should/will be discussed), but here it is:
http://www.transsexual.org/TEST0.html

The COGIATI. It gets a lot of hate, but it helped me... because we are Not. All. The. Same. despite repeated attempts to put all thoughts of transgenderism, into the same box.

I'll throw in a favorite gender test (not aimed at transgenders) of mine, the Bem Sex Role Inventory. On it, I usually come out as fairly strongly feminine- some say it's dated (it was first thought up in the 70s) and so maybe relies a little on old stereotypes... but people forget, stereotypes are stereotypes, for a reason- because broad generalisations tend to hold true. Without being written in stone, naturally.

https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/OSRI/

It falls short of asking me when my next period is... but not far from it, usually, either. I usually come out about halfway between the halfway point, between male/female, on the female side. So about two thirds, to three quarters, possessing more feminine personality attributes, than male. Although just a look at my lifestyle it's abundantly clear I have a Y chromosome- I'm just too much like 'a guy' in some ways, I feel.

Anyway give those tests a try, I'd be curious to see what you get. I'll retake them too, when I get the chance. I'd like to remind myself of my own results- I don't think male sexuality is very malleable, I firmly believe it's set by the time we pass adolescence, but I do think I have ebbs and flows that sometimes cause minor shifts.
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Re: Need help and insight...very confused.

Postby RedLeaf9113 » Wed Feb 12, 2020 11:29 pm

Hi Snaga,

Thank you for spending your time responding to me, it's greatly appreciated.

A lot of what you say does resonate true with me.

I think one of the things that really gets to me personally is how my mind will constantly go back and forth of what I want. It doesn't tend to be little swings but I can go weeks where I'm dead set on the idea of moving away so I can try transiting and then suddenly back to thinking that the 'other' me was crazy to even think of the idea and certain that I am and should remain nothing but male.

I think perhaps it could be a hormonal thing which would sit well with your idea of autogynephilia (had to look that word up!).

At the time of me writing the original post I was very much in that mindset of wanting to move away, but even now I can feel my state of mind changing again. Which is actually quite handy because I can see both sides to my own argument currently. I definitely feel right now that moving away on the idea of transiting is a bad idea but I also think it's unhealthy to neglect that side of me.

Maybe activities such as Drag can satisfy that need? One place I would love to move to is Brighton, as a place with plenty of opportunities to experiment.

I will definitely give those tests a try when I get a spare minute and let you know the results!
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Re: Need help and insight...very confused.

Postby Snaga » Thu Feb 13, 2020 3:15 am

RedLeaf9113 wrote:Maybe activities such as Drag can satisfy that need?


Quite possibly. There is, after all, a community of men who crossdress and it doesn't necessarily tie to either sexuality, or being actually trans. But it's a side that must be expressed. The COGIATI takes that into consideration, in its results....

I don't have time to retake everything, myself, but I started with the COGIATI....

COMBINED GENDER IDENTITY AND TRANSSEXUALITY INVENTORY
(COGIATI)


Your COGIATI result value is: 15 Which means that you fall within the following category:
COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE

What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time, or possibly neither. In some cultures in history, you would be considered to be a third sex, independent of the polarities of masculine or feminine. Your gender issues are intrinsic to your construction, and you will most likely find your happiness playing with expressing both genders as you feel like it.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:
Your situation is a little tricky in our current society, but not tremendously so, depending on your geographic location.
The suggestions for your circumstance are not overly complicated.
If you have any comfortability about your gender expression, some slight degree of counseling might well prove helpful. The primary goal would be to make it possible for you to enjoy your gender expressions free from any shame or embarrassment, and to resolve any remaining questions you might have.

As an androgynous being, both genders, and both sexes are natural to your expression. Permanent polarization in either direction might bring significant unhappiness. It is not recommended that you go through a complete transsexual transformation. You might find a partial transformation of value, if you find yourself more attracted overall to the feminine. You are more likely a transgenderist, than a transsexual. It is recommended that you recognize that your gender issues are real, but that extreme action regarding them should be viewed with great caution.

If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender play of various varieties. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender play.
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