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HOCD or something more?

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HOCD or something more?

Postby Andrew6672 » Thu Jun 27, 2019 10:46 pm

Hello! I have something that's been obsessing me for days.Big wall of text incoming

First of all, I'm a 27 year old male and I used to have what seemed to be HOCD(Homosexual OCD)a few years ago. Eventually I got past it because, quite truthfully, I'm not a homosexual(having been attracted by women my whole life, and having had sex of fairly good quality overall) and I somehow made my brain stop bombarding me with thoughts that suggested otherwise. Since then I've managed to be pretty secure in my sexuality, however a few days I met with my girlfriend and we started fooling around. We spent a few hours in bed, enjoying ourselves, mostly with me pleasuring her orally and with my fingers, which I enjoyed, but I was getting a little frustrated because while at the end of 'her' time I didn't have an erection or a great urge for sex, I still wanted some focus on me.
She gave me oral sex to get me hard, which was pretty decent now that I think about it, and I got hard. I put a condom on, and tried missionary, but I wasn't feeling much of anything(the position itself is uncomfortable for me and the condom, a classic one, didn't let me feel much), eventually I asked her to excuse me because the condom kills every sensation, and she understood.
I finished her off otherwise(felt a bit rude to just leave her like that) and she gave me oral again. It got me hard again but while I gave her directions I didn't get that much pleasure from it(in all fairness I'm not that great with giving directions even when it comes to my own pleasure). At some point I began fantasising about other women/scenarios and at some point I began imagining another guy giving me oral for a few seconds before deciding that it didn't help anything. I was a bit taken aback at my mini fantasy(I've never fantasised about other men during sex, even briefly) but didn't think much of it(I've been pretty secure in my sexuality these past few years). Eventually I began having other fantasies, because the sensation I felt from my girlfriend's oral was too light, and I came after some time, though it wasn't a particularly strong orgasm.
My problem now is that I'm 'worried' I'm bisexual or even gay(probably sounds ridiculous). I've nothing against LGBT people in the least, but there's a strong part of my psyche that is against me being in that category.
To give more, probably needed details, ever since I stopped being obsessed with whether I was gay or not a few years ago(about 3 years), I've had a few fantasies while masturbating about other men(usually feminine boy-ish men) and even tried a few gay/bisexual pornos, but I never came to any of them. It mostly felt as a kink that kept me going a few times, not a regular thing, and mostly(at least I think so?) when I’m bored with my ‚regular’ porn(which until a few weeks ago I used to watch heavily). I didn’t have a problem with it because I didn’t think it „made me gay” or anything since I know my attractions in real life are to women, and not men, even though I can recognise when a guy is handsome and I once pecked a friend on the lips while drunk(I was curious and I didn’t like it). Basically I’d say I’ve had some slight bicurious-ish inclinations every blue moon, but until now I didn’t really think much of them, mostly because I don’t usually think curiosity means that much, but now I’m obsessively thinking that maybe I’m repressing something? Kind of the same feeling as a few years ago when I thought I had HOCD.
There’s also the matter of not feeling much when receiving oral from my girlfriend, but I’m fairly certain it’s because I was a bit stressed/frustrated, she didn’t really seem to master the area(partly my fault because of my lackluster directions), and I’m a little desensitised from years of heavy pornography and masturbation. Speaking of, while sex has been a good experience for me over the years, I’ve also had some periods when sex was lackluster, mostly after periods of heavy pornography and masturbation, like I’ve had these past few months, which is another problem that I’d imagine is tied into the whole thing. I mention this to give a more complete picture of my ‚problem’.

I’m sorry if this is bit jumbled up and disorganised, I’m tired and have had obsessive thoughts about this all day(and I’m generally disorganised). Feeling better now that I’m writing about this, so that’s always good? Anyway, what do you think? Am I overthinking all this, like I tend to do about all sorts of minor crap, or is there some truths about me that I seem to need to face? After writing all this and calming down I’d say it’s the first, but I’d deeply appreciate any and all opinions.

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