Am I getting Psycho? What is my sexuality?

I am a 30 year old woman/girl. I was abused as a child, several times. those incidents were in my mind but blurred or hidden. I belong to a muslim family and I live in a muslim country. when I grew up and as I was growing up i felt attracted to a guy, i was 15 then, we are not so open and bold and I belong to middle class, and I had this thing in my mind that i will marry a person who my parents will choose for me. I told his sister, who was our neighbour that if my parents agree then i will agree and now i have to study. I thought that I started feeling for him and that i will marry him later in life. he went back to his home city and years went by, then he came back and wanted to talk to me as we were not in contact at all. Now I was 19 or 20 years old. I refused as I had no feelings for him at all. he tried his best but I said no, I dont want to marry you. He gave up and married someone. and I thanked God for that. I developed this thought at that same time of my life that I don't want to marry a man ever in my life. The reason that they cheat no matter what but they cheat and I did'nt want to be cheated.

when I was 19 I met a guy online, he was very lively, very jolly and very talkative, i talked with him for 15 days straight, those were just random talks and started missing him when we were not in touch, we only talked online through computer and not through phone. When i felt that I started missing him a lot, i felt that I should not talk to him any more, and I quit talking to him. I kept missing him for years after that and it killed me day by day but I didn't want to talk to him as I didn't want any relationship or something.

then in 2014, when i was 25 years old, I met a girl who got interested in me, i thought its just friendship but it was not. She liked to hug me and kiss me and my instincts told me her feelings and interst. I clearly told her that we are muslims and we can't do such things, though i liked when she used to kiss me on my lips and my neck, etc. it took some time but i finally stopped her from doing all that. It was she who did all that, only kissing and hugging. at that time i started feeling that may be i am interested in girls, i liked to watch their body parts, and i wanted to touch too, but i never tried. I used to imaging a lot and never ever did anything. this happeded to the extent that I started feeling I am a lesbian and I like girls. I used to imaging pressing their boobs and kissing them on their lips and neck.

Now, some days back, i was watching a bollywood movie, in that movie there were 2 male characters, one was openly gay and the other one was closeted. This open gay character senses that the other one is also gay and started making advances towards him. in a scene when he goes near him to get something from the back, his chest partialy touches the chest of the other(closeted) guy and suddenly i felt something. a feeling mix of joy and pain. it was a quick moment but I still rewind it in my mind and it give me happiness. the pain in the other guys charackter, i felt that. Then he fights with they openly gay guy and hurts him so bad, and then goes to his house to appologize and then kisses him so passionately and then hits him again. and then goes out and that movie ends.
I wanted them to do something, i wanted them to be together, i wanted them to make love.
after that, I am very confused. why i keep thinking about both the men, why i enjoy recalling those scenes, why I wanted them to be together and happy.

I never want to think about having sex with a man, but if I imaging my self as a boy/man and I was given two options a beautiful and hot girl and a guy to choose from, I would not go towards the girl, i would find it nasty, rather i would go towards the guy and kiss him.
I don't like the idea of penetartion or what should i say the actuall sex thing but I like the ideology of love.

Whatever it is, I am enjoying it, i watch those scenes again and again and i feel the pain and joy.
The question is ... what is wrong with me? I don't want to get married but these feelings don't make any sense to me at all. Right now it seems ok but later in my life I don't want to be a psycho or something. I am the kind of person who always keeps an eye on her thoughts and what is going on with her. So this thing is also disturbing me. What am i becoming?
Is my body demanding sometihng else? is my body wants to be with someone? is there anyone who can genuinely guide me or tell me that it is only a phase or something.

I am confused...

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Wow, what a post. You covered a lot of ground with that.

I am bisexual; so I am coming from that angle.

It sounds to me, as if there might be something going on. Like you, I find myself interested in same-sex imagery, regardless of whether it's two guys, or two girls (I am male).

If I read your post right, you aren't interested in being with a man... but still if you imagine yourself as one, then you would prefer being with another man. I sort of get that- if I were a girl, I feel like I would want to be with other girls.

We are such complicated creatures- more so, I think, when we're not simply heterosexual.

When it comes to watching the two men- some women (not many, but I have known some) think watching two men, is erotic, in the same way many men (most men) enjoy watching two women together. I'm not trying to make it more confusing, but that could be an explanation for that.

loveveryone wrote:Is my body demanding sometihng else? is my body wants to be with someone? is there anyone who can genuinely guide me or tell me that it is only a phase or something.

It sounds to me as if your body wants something that you weren't culturally raised to want.

Whether that would be lesbian, or bisexual, I'm not sure. Bisexuality, doesn't mean that you would like both sexes, in the same fashion- many of us who identify as bisexual, have different romantic and physical attractions. Sometimes, even the physical can be split up, into finding one sex more pleasing to look at, but the other, is what our body wants.

Is it a phase? I don't know- in my experience, no. But it's my understanding, from some of the research on it, that females are more fluid in their sexuality, than males are. I think mine was locked into place at an early age- I think most males, are. Females might be more adaptable. But I think, from what I've read, a woman would have to have a very strong motivation, to be able to change her sexuality.

What do you think you would like to spend your life with? Another woman, or a man? And you don't like the idea of sex with a man, what about a woman?

Thank you so much for reading my long post. I thought people will find it boring and senseless.

In my early teen years (i was sexually abused till that time) i was a normal girl i think. After that when I was 16 17 and after that I didn't like being a girl. I still don't like my body, but thinking that it is God's creation and I have to own my self I finally own it but I don't like looking at my body, i feel embarrassed ( i look good and much younger than my age though)

What do you think you would like to spend your life with? Another woman, or a man? And you don't like the idea of sex with a man, what about a woman?

No, i don't want to be with anyone. I want to be with my family and my parents. I want to earn a lot and I want to travel a lot, and I am struggling to be successful on my own. I don't want to be with anyone as i told you that the idea of being involved in sex(penetration) disgusts me a lot. I only like the breathing, hugs, kisses, cuddling, and all that doesn't involve penetration.

I used to imaging doing all this with girls previously, but suddenly it has changed. I suddenly want to be a guy and kiss a guy.

That movie and that scene, I don't know why I feel that pain and joy mixed feeling. A longing. A desire. I suddenly started feeling gay...

I am OK with all this but I don't want to be a maniac later in my life. I am turning towards religion to get solace but it doesn't seem to help.

Thank you that you read whatever i wrote. It feels good when you say everything and someone listens or understands...

May be it is my childhood.. i don't remember actually that how much i suffered, but i did and I was all alone.
I still lack confidence, despite being smart and intelligent I was not confident at all. I am still not. I just want to go somewhere where i am all alone and no one know who I am and I want to find myself out. I want to be free there.

I want to go to mountains and hiking and I want to scream. I want to run as fast as possible. But, i don't want to be with anyone emotionally, sexually, etc.

loveveryone wrote:In my early teen years (i was sexually abused till that time)

Do you think that may be why you don't want to be a girl?

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy, for any of this?

What kind of therapy you are talking about?

I always thought that boys are free to do anything, they can go anywhere, do anything, dress like boys, and not bound like girls. Especially in our society.

loveveryone wrote:What kind of therapy you are talking about?

Any kind of therapy- talking to a therapist, counselor, or mental health doctor.

loveveryone wrote:I always thought that boys are free to do anything, they can go anywhere, do anything, dress like boys, and not bound like girls. Especially in our society.

Meanwhile, in mine, I envy girls- being a girl would fit my personality better. They have more freedom of dress and behaviour. They can be interesting- few men are interesting to me. Men are supposed to be stoic. Men have to behave and dress a certain way. Being a guy is boring.

Any kind of therapy- talking to a therapist, counselor, or mental health doctor.

That's what I am doing here. A few years back i went to a psychologist for a problem, the problem was that I was not able to work. I was working as a freelance writer and all i could do was nothing. I would open many tabs in my browser related to the topic and then open MS word but then my mind used to go blank. I was very stressed and I had to do something to earn some money but all I was doing was nothing. I don't know why it was happening to me. Anyways, I went to they psychologist so that she prescribe me some ADHD medicine because I thought I had ADHD but she gave me depression medicines and she didn't even talk to me much. I know psychologists/psychiatrists in our country, if they are really qualified and experienced they are gonna charge a lot. Most of them only prescribe depression medicines. Those medicines started severe headache and I stopped them withing 4 days of use.

Meanwhile, in mine, I envy girls- being a girl would fit my personality better. They have more freedom of dress and behaviour. They can be interesting- few men are interesting to me. Men are supposed to be stoic. Men have to behave and dress a certain way. Being a guy is boring.

Oh wow.. i can tell you how wrong you assume... may be its my society only where girls are not as free as they are in western countries.
I feel like I can relate to you, if i was a guy, i would have gone to hiking, and mountains, and solo trips. I know being a guy has its own challenges and its not that easy at it seams. but this is how i think and want things.

In our society it is necessary for a girl to get married which I am resisting for a long time, and I always think that if i met a gay guy then I will marry him because he will be a companion like a husband and there will be no sexual relation between us and it will be an ideal relationship.

Today i was reading some other topics on this forum and I read the term Hcod. I googled it and read about it and I am wondering if whatever I am thinking is only Hcod and nothing else?

I still get visions of that movie scene. I prevously watched some scenes of "hit the floor" tv scenes. The scenes between Jude and Zero and I loved them. Especially where Zero doesnt' admit his love for Jude and gets jealous when he hangs around with some other guy. It was an year ago maybe and now this movie which i was watching randomly and I didn't know that there will be some gay scenes.

I hope I am not confusing you. I just want to know... and I don't even know what i want to know..

loveveryone wrote:Today i was reading some other topics on this forum and I read the term Hcod. I googled it and read about it and I am wondering if whatever I am thinking is only Hcod and nothing else?

Well, I'm the OCD moderator. I'm also bisexual, and just this side of having gender dysphoria, and am the moderator over in the Gender Identity and Transgender forums... so I like to think I have a halfway decent feel for when someone has HOCD, or not. HOCD isn't a 'thing' in itself, it's just a handy shorthand for people with OCD-like fears that center on the fear of being gay.

Maybe it's a language barrier, but I haven't gotten that impression, with you. People suffering HOCD type fears are absolutely terrified at the idea of being gay. Even when they have absolutely no substantial proof for it. No history of same sex attraction. For most of them, it never even occurred to them they might not be heterosexual, until one situation, or one stray thought, enters their head, and they panic. They often say they'd rather be dead, because that's the biggest fear they have, they act as if that would be worse than death. Us people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often think death is preferable to whatever it is that has us in terror. We are... dramatic.

At least, those are my impressions.

Maybe this is a bigger fear for you, than I realise. But so far, I'm not seeing it. Not wanting to be something, and feeling depressed about it- isn't the same as being terrified of it. I never asked to be bisexual. Wish I wasn't- to a point. But because it's something integral to who I am, it's also something that I wouldn't get rid of, even if I could- because it would carry part of what makes me, me, with it. But I can still wish I'd never been that, in the first place.

People with HOCD fears aren't like that. They're just scared of the mere idea of being gay, and are always checking- with porn, usually- to look for the slightest proof they are gay.

Or straight- sometimes it works in the other direction, and someone will come in, because they have this unreasonable fear of suddenly becoming straight. With no proof of ever having been heterosexual.

You sound as if you're fascinated with lesbian and gay themes, and gender switching- even if, at the same time, you have reservations about it? But you don't sound terrified. Just more like you'd rather be 'normal'?

For people with HOCD, being gay/lesbian would be the worst fate imaginable. Not because of what other people would say or do, not because of parents, or family. But simply because they're so afraid of the thing, itself.

loveveryone wrote:Anyways, I went to they psychologist so that she prescribe me some ADHD medicine because I thought I had ADHD but she gave me depression medicines and she didn't even talk to me much.

Understand about the therapy. And sorry they didn't take more time, to get to know you.

loveveryone wrote:Oh wow.. i can tell you how wrong you assume... may be its my society only where girls are not as free as they are in western countries.

In a lot of Western nations, girls can be pretty much anything they want to be. Girls can be boyish- 'tomboys', we call them. To a point, it's even considered cute. When can a boy be girly, a 'sissy'? He can't. Girls can wear feminine clothes, or if they choose, wear the same things boys wear, and people don't cluck over it, the way they do over effeminate men. Girls can be more expressive, show more emotion. From where I sit, girls have more freedom. It's even easier to be lesbian, than gay, I think.

loveveryone wrote:In our society it is necessary for a girl to get married which I am resisting for a long time, and I always think that if i met a gay guy then I will marry him because he will be a companion like a husband and there will be no sexual relation between us and it will be an ideal relationship.

If you're not interested in sex, that sounds reasonable. Or, maybe better, if you found a guy who prefers the company of women, but is not that interested in sex, either. That sounds as if that would be better, from a companionship standpoint.