I am a 30 year old woman/girl. I was abused as a child, several times. those incidents were in my mind but blurred or hidden. I belong to a muslim family and I live in a muslim country. when I grew up and as I was growing up i felt attracted to a guy, i was 15 then, we are not so open and bold and I belong to middle class, and I had this thing in my mind that i will marry a person who my parents will choose for me. I told his sister, who was our neighbour that if my parents agree then i will agree and now i have to study. I thought that I started feeling for him and that i will marry him later in life. he went back to his home city and years went by, then he came back and wanted to talk to me as we were not in contact at all. Now I was 19 or 20 years old. I refused as I had no feelings for him at all. he tried his best but I said no, I dont want to marry you. He gave up and married someone. and I thanked God for that. I developed this thought at that same time of my life that I don't want to marry a man ever in my life. The reason that they cheat no matter what but they cheat and I did'nt want to be cheated.
when I was 19 I met a guy online, he was very lively, very jolly and very talkative, i talked with him for 15 days straight, those were just random talks and started missing him when we were not in touch, we only talked online through computer and not through phone. When i felt that I started missing him a lot, i felt that I should not talk to him any more, and I quit talking to him. I kept missing him for years after that and it killed me day by day but I didn't want to talk to him as I didn't want any relationship or something.
then in 2014, when i was 25 years old, I met a girl who got interested in me, i thought its just friendship but it was not. She liked to hug me and kiss me and my instincts told me her feelings and interst. I clearly told her that we are muslims and we can't do such things, though i liked when she used to kiss me on my lips and my neck, etc. it took some time but i finally stopped her from doing all that. It was she who did all that, only kissing and hugging. at that time i started feeling that may be i am interested in girls, i liked to watch their body parts, and i wanted to touch too, but i never tried. I used to imaging a lot and never ever did anything. this happeded to the extent that I started feeling I am a lesbian and I like girls. I used to imaging pressing their boobs and kissing them on their lips and neck.
Now, some days back, i was watching a bollywood movie, in that movie there were 2 male characters, one was openly gay and the other one was closeted. This open gay character senses that the other one is also gay and started making advances towards him. in a scene when he goes near him to get something from the back, his chest partialy touches the chest of the other(closeted) guy and suddenly i felt something. a feeling mix of joy and pain. it was a quick moment but I still rewind it in my mind and it give me happiness. the pain in the other guys charackter, i felt that. Then he fights with they openly gay guy and hurts him so bad, and then goes to his house to appologize and then kisses him so passionately and then hits him again. and then goes out and that movie ends.
I wanted them to do something, i wanted them to be together, i wanted them to make love.
after that, I am very confused. why i keep thinking about both the men, why i enjoy recalling those scenes, why I wanted them to be together and happy.
I never want to think about having sex with a man, but if I imaging my self as a boy/man and I was given two options a beautiful and hot girl and a guy to choose from, I would not go towards the girl, i would find it nasty, rather i would go towards the guy and kiss him.
I don't like the idea of penetartion or what should i say the actuall sex thing but I like the ideology of love.
Whatever it is, I am enjoying it, i watch those scenes again and again and i feel the pain and joy.
The question is ... what is wrong with me? I don't want to get married but these feelings don't make any sense to me at all. Right now it seems ok but later in my life I don't want to be a psycho or something. I am the kind of person who always keeps an eye on her thoughts and what is going on with her. So this thing is also disturbing me. What am i becoming?
Is my body demanding sometihng else? is my body wants to be with someone? is there anyone who can genuinely guide me or tell me that it is only a phase or something.
I am confused...