I don’t know what I am...

Hello. My name is Brittany.(i just want my identity hidden in case this is found by anybody i know... but the rest is true other than my name) I’m a 18 year old guy, and for a while now ever since I was about 16, i’ve been confused about my sexuality. I love girls, I am currently single but i’ve had many relationships and i have had sex previously and enjoyed it quite a lot. However, here’s what confuses me. One day when i was home alone, i went into my sisters room and saw her clothes. I decided to be the curious 16 year old hormone crazy kid that i am and try them on. I tried on her underwear, her bra, a tank top and fuzzy socks. I do have a foot fetish but that’s besides the point, it just adds insite as to why I wore the leggings and socks. It’s my favorite thing to look at on a girl, and wear. Ok back on track, so ever since i tried on those clothes that day i couldn’t get enough. i started getting creative and looking forward to those home alone days. i tried on her school uniform one time. i’d lay in her bed and cross my legs like a girl would. sometimes i’d even fall asleep in her uniform or clothes because i was so at ease and comfortable with it. Now i’m in the predicament of not knowing my true sexuality. I don’t have full sexual attraction to guys. at all. i have fantasies at times about having sex with a guy, but only if i was dressed up like a girl... i don’t understand it it’s so confusing to me and i really don’t know what to do. like. i know i’m not gay because i like girls, a lot. and i know i will continue to do so, however i also feel that sexually i should be doing more than have sex with a girl. i’m not going to go into detail in terms of my thoughts because i’m not 100% clear as to what’s allowed on the site and whats not to be said. but i’m sure you could imagine and it’s clear. just gay thoughts. but again i know i’m not gay. a bi friend of mine said she thinks i’m bi and yeah that kinda might be true but it doesnt answer the fact that i’d only have sexual relations with a guy if i was like a girl. my straight friend said she thinks i’m trans and i thought so too for a while but it didn’t make sense. i don’t want to be a girl 109%. yes i wanna be a girl but not the rest of my life. it’s like, i want to have sexual relations with a girl, but as a girl. and be treated sexually as a girl. in a way, a trans lesbian??? i’m so sorry if this makes no sense because it’s just as confusing to me as it will be to everyone else... i don’t know. I just need some opinions and insight please!!! i’ve had these thoughts and curiosity and confusion for years and i finally decided to reach out. please help!!!! thanks...

A little late to this party, but maybe you just like a little gender bending.

This discussion is close to being a paraphilia discussion (which isn't allowed) but is also relevant enough to your sense of sexual orientation, that I think it's okay to discuss in those terms...

Maybe... the 'gay' thoughts feel safer, with you taking on the role/appearance of a girl. That might be your way of 'de-gaying' them a bit?

Which would be similar to the convoluted arguments I've seen, for why otherwise straight men have shemale fetishes- because the other penis has a 'woman' built around it, it makes it somehow okay. I'm a bi male, so that logic is kind of lost on me, but that's my understanding of it. This could be similar to that- you allow yourself to think the gay thoughts, by making it less 'gay', in the form of being a girl?

There's a word that's dirty in the current Trans orthodoxy, and that's autogynephilia- being aroused by the idea of being a hot girl, basically. There could be some of that going on, you find the idea of being a sexy girl arousing, and it wouldn't make you trans, in my opinion. In fact, I don't think of you as trans at all, merely a bit kinky. There are guys who love to crossdress, that are neither trans, nor 'gay'.

You may be gender fluid, it sounds like your gender identity fluctuates sometimes. This doesn't have to affect what gender you're attracted to. Sometimes you could be a boy who is attracted to girls, and sometimes a girl who is attracted to girls. I hope this helps.