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Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

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Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby just1anon » Wed May 01, 2019 3:38 pm

A bit of history...

I’m a woman and in a relationship with another woman. But before that, all my previous experiences were with men and was even married to a man. This is the first time I’ve been involved with a woman and I feel not completely all in. 80?

I have an art background so seeing nude people posing for figure drawing practice or photography etc doesn’t bother me. I appreciate the human body and can say that all sorts of people are attractive. But this one woman got to me to the point that I kept thinking about them all day, everyday. I fell for her.

Now I’m wondering about myself. I see myself constantly being the dominant one. Sometimes I have random thoughts or dreams that I have a male version of myself with her. But then I feel like if I’m with a man I feel it balances me out in that I enjoy them being the more dominant one with the occasion that I am dominant too.

So I am so confused now. I talk about futures with her, but then I am also sometimes hesitant thinking if I’m being true to myself. She never thought about having a kid, but she can see a family with me. Whether that’s through adoption or whatever, I am ok with that. I am open to starting a family as well.

I’m sorry that this all might sound like I’m all over the place, but my head is all over the place right now too. Thanks for lending an ear... or eyes in this case... ha
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby Snaga » Thu May 02, 2019 6:33 am

Hello and welcome, and... I don't know. For me. feeling all over the place, is 'normal'.

I wrote a whole bunch, but it's too much all at once. I'll start, by saying I'm... I hate to use what's become trite terms now, but I feel somewhat nonbinary, and am about in the middle of the sexual spectrum. But I was born with boy bits, so I'm male, and I reckon I think of myself as bisexual.

Okay given you appreciate the human form, could you see yourself with a different woman? Or is it really, just this one person, that does it for you?

What do you think of yourself as? Me, I'd think of you as at least somewhat bisexual.

It... doesn't at all seem odd to myself, or unusual, for you to be feeling all over the place. Nor for you to find yourself feeling and behaving differently, when with one gender, or the other. It's bits of the whole 'you', finding expression in different situations. At least, that's what I'd call it, if it were me.

I'll wait to hear back, before I keep rattling on..
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby just1anon » Thu May 02, 2019 12:18 pm

Snaga wrote:Hello and welcome, and... I don't know. For me. feeling all over the place, is 'normal'.

I wrote a whole bunch, but it's too much all at once. I'll start, by saying I'm... I hate to use what's become trite terms now, but I feel somewhat nonbinary, and am about in the middle of the sexual spectrum. But I was born with boy bits, so I'm male, and I reckon I think of myself as bisexual.

Okay given you appreciate the human form, could you see yourself with a different woman? Or is it really, just this one person, that does it for you?

What do you think of yourself as? Me, I'd think of you as at least somewhat bisexual.

It... doesn't at all seem odd to myself, or unusual, for you to be feeling all over the place. Nor for you to find yourself feeling and behaving differently, when with one gender, or the other. It's bits of the whole 'you', finding expression in different situations. At least, that's what I'd call it, if it were me.

I'll wait to hear back, before I keep rattling on..



Hi and thank you for the welcome! Also, thank you for sharing your thoughts too.

I don’t think I can see myself with another woman. This was the first time I felt so strongly towards another person and she happens to be another woman. But with that I do tend to feel like I’m missing the physique of a man, not just the sexual sense, but their build/frame in relation to me.

I became attracted to her as a person as she’s intelligent, witty, easy to talk to, super understanding. She’s basically my best friend now. Then I think am I just in some sort of best friend relationship with benefits? Is that a thing? Was it all just because she was in my life and we started this after my marriage ended? I did wait because I didn’t want this to be a rebound and we both are very open and talk about everything. I made sure she understood where I was coming from.

Then again with my mind being all over the place, I could just be overthinking everything. But what I wouldn’t want is to keep this going if I’m not being true to myself. I don’t want to hold her back from anything. Sometimes I think she deserves someone that completely knows how they feel and what they want. But she has told me that I’m it for her.
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu May 02, 2019 9:29 pm

to me, the uncertainty is a red flag. i think it's a lot easier these days to be drawn into trying things out. possibly this isn't such a good thing. that said, try to consider how certain you were in other relationships compared to this one. try also to consider the basis of the uncertainty. my guess is the intensity of this friendship has rather blurred your sexual boundaries. and i think she's keeping this going, rather than you. and, without trying to sound too negative, i think you're not sure you can keep up the act. i think you're afraid you'll loose this friendship if you back off sexually, and that's what keeping you tied-in and tied-up-in-knots too. i could, of course, be wrong.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby just1anon » Fri May 03, 2019 12:47 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:to me, the uncertainty is a red flag. i think it's a lot easier these days to be drawn into trying things out. possibly this isn't such a good thing. that said, try to consider how certain you were in other relationships compared to this one. try also to consider the basis of the uncertainty. my guess is the intensity of this friendship has rather blurred your sexual boundaries. and i think she's keeping this going, rather than you. and, without trying to sound too negative, i think you're not sure you can keep up the act. i think you're afraid you'll loose this friendship if you back off sexually, and that's what keeping you tied-in and tied-up-in-knots too. i could, of course, be wrong.



Before getting involved in this relationship I waited and waited... and then thought why was I thinking too much into me taking that step into a same-sex relationship when I have gay and lesbian friends. After all I fell in love with her, who’s another person and I really shouldn’t see this huge problem. And is it because I’ve just been used to relationships with men and family “norms” I saw when growing up?

I’ve also kept this from a lot of my friends. Though I’ve started to slowly tell them what’s up with me lately when they ask. My biggest fear was how my father was going to take it. He comes off traditional, but it ended up being ok with him. And now my father and her text each other and are cool. Two other friends talk to her everyday too now.

I think all in all, if things don’t work out, we’d still be in each other’s lives. Interestingly enough we’ve talked about that too. We tend to make sure we both are able to tell the other whatever’s on their mind. Which we have, maybe not immediate, but it does happen. Granted, things can change and maybe we can’t be friends afterwards or maybe we can, but we both agree it would take time due to the hurt.

(I feel I might be juggling many thoughts here, sorry if it all sounds confusing on text.)
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby shock_the_monkey » Fri May 03, 2019 3:27 pm

i think what you want is to be convinced, whereas what you really need is conviction. and for that reason, i don't think you'll find your answer here. only you can know what's ultimately right for you. if this were just about social acceptability, i'd say go for it. but i just don't get that impression from you. i think there's something deeper. you're intellectualising your response, whereas emotionally something isn't quite right.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby Snaga » Fri May 03, 2019 5:05 pm

I think it comes down to what you want most, from life.

Being Bi, I made the conscious decision to live heterosexual- I like female companionship over my same-sex physical desires. At least, that's what I tell myself.

You'd think being Bi was the best of both worlds- and maybe for some, it is. But I've always seen it as no matter what you're scratching, you're still going to have an itch that you can't scratch. And it comes down to deciding what you value the most, and what you're the most willing to do without, if you're going to be in a monogamous relationship.

I might have missed it- is your girlfriend lesbian, or also bi? Or is she like you, discovering this for the first time?
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby just1anon » Fri May 03, 2019 7:17 pm

Snaga wrote:I think it comes down to what you want most, from life.

Being Bi, I made the conscious decision to live heterosexual- I like female companionship over my same-sex physical desires. At least, that's what I tell myself.

You'd think being Bi was the best of both worlds- and maybe for some, it is. But I've always seen it as no matter what you're scratching, you're still going to have an itch that you can't scratch. And it comes down to deciding what you value the most, and what you're the most willing to do without, if you're going to be in a monogamous relationship.

I might have missed it- is your girlfriend lesbian, or also bi? Or is she like you, discovering this for the first time?



Yeah and I’ve always been in monogamous relationships. And that makes sense... deciding what is more important and what I’m willing to do without.

She is more experienced. She’s had boyfriends earlier in her life, but have been with women since after high school. She says she considers herself bi.
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby shock_the_monkey » Fri May 03, 2019 8:32 pm

i really don't think that you're bi-sexual. if you were, you wouldn't be holding back. sure, you can make a choice about this. but doing and feeling aren't the same thing. my advice is listed to what your heart is really telling you. to me, there are too many misgivings here.

what really concerns me about this is that you appear to have somewhat fallen under the influence of your friend. i really do wonder if you are making your own decision. you seem to have been quite resistant and even now still unsure. from my experience, people know what they are. they don't need convincing.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Unsure of things and finally need a place to talk

Postby just1anon » Wed May 08, 2019 2:05 pm

Thanks everyone. I’ll see how it goes.
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