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significant other not dealing with bisexuality

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significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Youdoofus » Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:13 pm

as with most psychological issues, there is much to the story that is difficult to include in a forum post, much less a persons maiden post on a new forum, but here goes. I am a 42 year old bisexual man and have explored that avenue in my life several times. Bisexual seems to have a very ambiguous description as it means different things to different people from both sides of the coin. To as adeptly describe how if feel that my bisexuality exists, let me say this. I feel that i am capable of loving and or lusting after any person i find attractive irrespective of their gender. It also needs to be said that i am not into polyamory. I am a monogamous person who feels that if i am engaging in a committed relationship, its with one person, and one person alone. I am not openly bisexual and not a terrible many people know this about me. I have kept this guarded throughout my life to varying extents due to several factors, growing up in the south and being in sports, having several redneck friends who were awesome people, but would have likely given me mountains of crap about it... Mainly dont wanting to deal with the "oh, youre not straight? oh...." aspect of it.

This leads me to my issue at hand. My significant other of over 5 years who is a woman(44 yrs of age), and to whom i am engaged was raised in a conservative family and was not exposed to the different sexuality types and walks of life that many of us have had the knowledge of. In addition to that, she was also raised in a former communist eastern european country until coming to the US in the late 90s. When she and i first started dating, i approached her as a straight man, not saying anything about being bi, as i didnt feel it was an important detail to divulge given my past regarding the topic and that i wasnt expecting the need for that to be known any time in the near future for her. Things progressed quickly and we ended up moving in together, still not having shed any light on the bisexuality. Time went on and she felt the need to start digging through my personal messages on a tablet i had laying around that was logged in to my facebook account. Mind you, at this point there was no straying from monogamy in the slightest while we were together, but there were some break ups in the first few months of our relationship that did see me having had hung out with a girl while split up. And there is no grey area there. I only bring this up, because im sure questions will arise regarding that to see if it was a fair catalyst for her want to look. So, she went thru many conversation threads and pretty far back in those threads and saw sexual talk between a male and myself which obviously confused her and led to her asking about it before i was willing to open up about. Throughout the course of our conversations, it has been stated, and very much confirmed that she was in the belief that she wasnt ever going to be in a relationship with anyone who isnt as straight as herself, and that obviously isnt our situation. Let me restate that i am a monogamous person and for all intents and purposes i am straight when im with a woman, and gay when im with a man. That is how i see it, and that is how i treat it.

The issue we now face is that she is of the belief that i will start yearning for something she cannot offer, i.e. a penis. She is of the belief that i will never be satisfied fully with what i have and inevitably want to go back to men, if even only for the physical aspect of it. How do i deal with this character assassination? I am constantly being treated as if there is a chance that ill just get the desire for going to men. I have tried telling her that the likelihood of that is the exact same of me cheating, which is zero. One of the hurdles we have is the feeling she has that I am emotionally closed off, and i have tried explaining that it is quite difficult to emotionally open up when youre constantly being scrutinized and your very character is being questioned.

I am already painfully aware of the potential recourse's such as, cut your losses and call it done, or she needs to get over this and accept who you are, because if not, neither of you will be happy, or you need to just show her more love, understanding and be more caring because she is having trouble dealing with something, and you should support her. But what suggestions do you all have? What are your opinions?

I apologize for this being so long and drawn out. For a first post, i know this is long. I tried to be succinct. If elaboration is needed, i am open to provide it
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Snaga » Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:08 am

Hello and welcome to PF...

Well, I'm also bisexual (don't practice it, but I am) and well... I don't have anything really to add, except I do think you have an uphill battle, convincing her that you won't get an itch, she can't scratch. I think it's a logical assumption, however unfair it is to you, personally.

I don't know how you can convince her, her apprehension is unneeded. I think I side with the 'she'll have to get over it' argument. She'll have to accept it, and believe you, when you say you won't leave her or go on the DL. If she can't do that, then you'll always be under an umbrella of suspicion, and it will always nag at her.
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Youdoofus » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:04 pm

thank you for your reply. at least i know im not alone
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:11 pm

this isn't about sexuality, it's about trust. if she doesn't trust you, there's really no basis for a relationship. my guess is this isn't going to work. i think this is always going to be an issue for her.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Apr 10, 2019 4:53 am

i feel the need to add a little to my prior post.

i think you need to appreciate that this may not be the kind of relationship that she envisaged and may simply not sit well with her. i think that you also need to consider that being bi-sexual isn't really consistent with monogamy, as it can't be expressed within that context. as such, if what you want is a monogamous relationship, you will need to choose whether this is going to be heterosexual or homosexual, and mould your sexual identity around that choice. it does strike me that this might sound a little harsh, however, i think that in practical terms this is the approach that is most likely to be fulfilling for you. it seems to me that to a degree you've already made that choice. perhaps what you really need to do here is be more committed to it.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby xdude » Wed Apr 10, 2019 1:35 pm

FWIW, my 2 cents -

I don't think it means you have any psychological issues because you are wired to be bisexual. It's not that uncommon, it's just not commonly talked about.

To some degree all couples deal with a varying degree of the possibility my spouse/mate may cheat, as may we under certain circumstances, and also they deal with no matter who we are, our SOs might have a yearning for someone else unlike us (again, as may we).

I do understand why this could seem different to her, it's more obvious, but I also understand why you would have found it hard to explain to her earlier.

Hopefully you two can work it out.
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Youdoofus » Tue Apr 30, 2019 6:38 pm

Thank you! I know that the issue isnt with me and how im wired, and i appreciate you confirming this for me. It simply boils down to a matter of trust, which she obviously doesnt have. She was raised in a former communist eastern european country that shunned people like me entirely, and she is having a hard time adjusting. I believe that is gonna be a struggle for a long time, and im pretty convinced that she may never fully accept me for who i am, and im gonna hafta deal with that or not. YAY ME!! LoL
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Youdoofus » Tue Apr 30, 2019 7:47 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:i feel the need to add a little to my prior post.

i think you need to appreciate that this may not be the kind of relationship that she envisaged and may simply not sit well with her. i think that you also need to consider that being bi-sexual isn't really consistent with monogamy, as it can't be expressed within that context. as such, if what you want is a monogamous relationship, you will need to choose whether this is going to be heterosexual or homosexual, and mould your sexual identity around that choice. it does strike me that this might sound a little harsh, however, i think that in practical terms this is the approach that is most likely to be fulfilling for you. it seems to me that to a degree you've already made that choice. perhaps what you really need to do here is be more committed to it.



this doesnt sound harsh, it sounds realistic. i should say that i identify as bisexual because i really dont see gender when i see people, nor does my attraction to people. I completely agree with the fact that its not something that she envisioned when she set out to have any courtship with me, thats for sure. I completely see where a very straight woman would be uncomfortable with being in a relationship with a male who has been with men. It seems that we are either doomed, or she will see that monogamy is possible based strictly on my commitment, or the struggle will continue and we will both suffer through it. I honestly appreciate your raw, unfiltered, honest replies. Truly
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby BethleftRich » Tue Apr 30, 2019 8:13 pm

If you are with a woman, and then with a man, that is cheating period. Unless the other party agrees.
Gay or straight, people want commitments and understanding. Your straight girlfriend is trying to make it clear she wants you to be straight with her, and no one else. If you cannot fully commit to her, then be honest to her and say this is not going to work. Then you throw the ball back in her court and she would then have to accept this, or she is free to move on and find a mate that agrees with her.
Good luck, hope you find resolve.
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Snaga » Wed May 01, 2019 6:30 am

BethleftRich wrote:If you are with a woman, and then with a man, that is cheating period. Unless the other party agrees.
Gay or straight, people want commitments and understanding. Your straight girlfriend is trying to make it clear she wants you to be straight with her, and no one else. If you cannot fully commit to her, then be honest to her and say this is not going to work. Then you throw the ball back in her court and she would then have to accept this, or she is free to move on and find a mate that agrees with her.
Good luck, hope you find resolve.



Youdoofus wrote:Let me restate that i am a monogamous person


The issue is that she THINKS he will cheat, not that is he going to, because she doesn't understand that he is capable of being monogamous, whilst also being Bi.
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