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significant other not dealing with bisexuality

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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby BethleftRich » Thu May 02, 2019 3:12 am

Well, generally speaking, relationships are toxic. Sorry you are going through this.
I got out of a toxic marriage because my husband would not be treated for his illness.
As for myself, there is my ADHD, arthritis, lesions in my brain, and for extra fun, I got an aneurism.
I deal with chronic pain, so trying to maintain a marriage, with Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde became a living nightmare. Finally I resolved to get out.

Keep trying to work on your relationship, but don't ignore the red flags. They come back like a boomerang! Much luck to you.
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby just1anon » Fri May 03, 2019 1:00 pm

As another brought up “trust”...
I think that’s the big thing here. Understandable that you weren’t ready or comfortable in telling her yet and she went ahead and started digging into old discussions... She’s got it all in her head now and may think of all sorts of scenarios. I know you’ve stated many times you haven’t cheated and don’t plan to, but maybe she’s seeing something else that’s keeping that distrust? I’m not sure how to solidify that trust with her.

Don’t want to come off as negative. But was there a big reason why she went so far back into old discussions of yours?
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby xdude » Fri May 03, 2019 2:43 pm

I think there is a lot of good wisdom in this post ...

just1anon wrote:As another brought up “trust”...
I think that’s the big thing here. Understandable that you weren’t ready or comfortable in telling her yet and she went ahead and started digging into old discussions... She’s got it all in her head now and may think of all sorts of scenarios. I know you’ve stated many times you haven’t cheated and don’t plan to, but maybe she’s seeing something else that’s keeping that distrust? I’m not sure how to solidify that trust with her.

Don’t want to come off as negative. But was there a big reason why she went so far back into old discussions of yours?


I can tell you that on a personal level I'd also have my guard up higher if I was to become involved with a woman who later told me she was attracted to other women. Yes, we all know the stereotype of 3-ways, etc., but I think the same thought would go through my head, am I going to be enough or is she going to want to 'scratch that itch' (to re-use terminology already written above). I haven't been in that position though, and maybe I wouldn't care either. We can only second guess ourselves so much.

For whatever it's worth some people start with a high degree of trust, some start with almost none, in the middle is the norm. Hopefully that doesn't become the only factor. Trust can be increased or decreased for most people, and unless you believe she is just unable to adjust, I am hopeful you two try to work it out.
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby just1anon » Fri May 03, 2019 4:50 pm

That’s another good point xdude brings up. I can see that happening where she doesn’t feel like she’s ever going to be enough. And her reading old discussions and maybe she even saw old photos of you and your exes... she could be constantly comparing herself and loss some confidence.

Hope you are able to work through this though because it seems you two had a good thing going on before that incident. :|
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Snaga » Fri May 03, 2019 5:17 pm

If she looks online for information, she's going to be really hard to convince, I also think. A lot of guys have trouble with keeping that part of themselves closed off. I used to belong to a bisexual men's forum that's now defunct, and there were a whole lot of members that would go on the downlow. And justify it in various ways. Something I would never do, but I can see how easy it would be to slip into that.

And mixed-orientation marriages have a survival rate less than marriages in general, from my reading. And if she's done any reading, she'll have seen that.

Convincing her that you won't want to be with a dude... how do you prove something that you can only prove by never doing what you're trying to prove you'll never do? And that involves her having to trust you to never do it. Which she is having trouble with doing?
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby xdude » Fri May 03, 2019 5:40 pm

Snaga wrote:...Convincing her that you won't want to be with a dude... how do you prove something that you can only prove by never doing what you're trying to prove you'll never do? And that involves her having to trust you to never do it. Which she is having trouble with doing?


As they say, there is no way to prove a negative, but real human beings and all that, emotions take time for people to change. I use to have tremendous faith in people. I have less now, but it's not necessarily a character flaw to be more jaded. Sounds like her trust level is not 100 percent, but hey, welcome to being human :)
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Youdoofus » Tue Aug 20, 2019 8:45 pm

Snaga wrote:
BethleftRich wrote:If you are with a woman, and then with a man, that is cheating period. Unless the other party agrees.
Gay or straight, people want commitments and understanding. Your straight girlfriend is trying to make it clear she wants you to be straight with her, and no one else. If you cannot fully commit to her, then be honest to her and say this is not going to work. Then you throw the ball back in her court and she would then have to accept this, or she is free to move on and find a mate that agrees with her.
Good luck, hope you find resolve.



Youdoofus wrote:Let me restate that i am a monogamous person


The issue is that she THINKS he will cheat, not that is he going to, because she doesn't understand that he is capable of being monogamous, whilst also being Bi.


this is EXACTLY the issue. Sad thing is that my life has come to a point where im starting to not care about that aspect of life anymore. Im 42 and not trying to get my ____ wet like i used to.

The trust from her isnt coming, moreso a feeling of "i really dont care"

disheartening, but i also feel like this is what im supposed to do. not that it feels like its right or what not, just that it feels like im following instructions written in the cosmos
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Re: significant other not dealing with bisexuality

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 20, 2019 9:24 pm

I'm sorry she can't seem to trust you. From what I've seen of bisexual men in forums for us, it's really hard for a lot of guys to be monogamous- and so you have that stereotype/paradigm against you, if she does much reading about it. When actually she should feel lucky to have a guy willing to talk about it, and also who is able to be happy with one flavour of ice cream.

I have run into women who are cool with the notion of a guy being bi, but most women I know will be like you have to be one or the other, and, well, if you've ever touched another's penis, forget it you're gay.

It sucks- I can't imagine being any other way, but it's nothing I'd wish on anyone.
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