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Straight but crushes on women

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Straight but crushes on women

Postby TAquestionmark » Tue Jan 01, 2019 4:05 pm


I'm a 20 year old woman and confused about my sexual orientation. In theory I should be heterosexual because I'm physically attracted to guys bodies and not to women's bodies. Despite that my whole life I have fallen in love with women. When I get close to a woman with particular looks and personality I just want to be as close as possible to her, hug her, kiss her and all the other stuff. I also get jealous of her boyfriend and fantasize about a relationship with her.

My obsession with women seems to be about emotional and physical (and sexual) intimacy more than about sexual arousal. An aspect is that I want to make women feel good, my fantasy is to give them an orgasm while with men I care more about their body. With guys I know exactly which "proportions" I prefer in different body parts but while I only like "pretty" women, I don't have a strict beauty standard. Women don't make me physically horny, I just get a very weird sense of excitement and obsession and dream about my crushes every night.

I'm very inexperienced, I have only had sex a few times and found it boring. Even though I thought the guy was hot I couldn't get into it (I'm pretty shy). From my experience I assumed that I need to really like the person to enjoy sex with them. A part of the problem is that I haven't fallen in love with a boy since I was 13, it seems like despite physical attraction I never feel an emotional connection to men anymore. I think that my problem is psychological. I don't have a problem at all with being bi or a lesbian, actually I like being boyish and the idea of being with women. Maybe I just crush on people who won't like me back, or I lack a really good female friend who loves me platonically, or I subconsciously don't think that guys would like me back.

My problem is, I do want a boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm afraid that I'm not enough into women to have a relationship with one but I want to be physical on a level that's more than friendship. On the other hand, I just don't care emotionally about men. Do you have any idea what could be my problem? Have you experienced similar things?

Thanks in advance for any help or input.
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Re: Straight but crushes on women

Postby Snaga » Tue Jan 01, 2019 7:59 pm

Hello and welcome to PF. What an interesting post.... well maybe not so much for you.

To my eyes it looks as if some flavour of bisexual might be a possibility. And I feel for you. Bisexuality is this big umbrella that can mean an infinite number of sexual nuances. I'm bi, male. I feel romantic mostly towards the opposite sex, and my sense of aesthetics venerates the female form. That's who I crush on. But at the same time, I feel a good bit of raw sexual lust towards the same sex. So yeah, it's... more than possible, and unfortunately possibly common, that a person who knows they're 'not straight but not really gay' find that they have desires that don't line up with each other.

It would be nice if bi folks like us, liked the two common sexes equally in all ways. But I've noticed with myself, and with some posters such as you, and time I spent in a bi male forum, that lot of times it doesn't work that way.

You're young. Assuming you're in the US or a Western nation that hasn't yet made the demographic swing towards non-Western liberal values, there's never been a better time to be 'non-straight'. You might experiment and try dating a girl. There are sites and forums for bisexual women, I'm not suggesting using the internet to find hookups but might be useful to open lines of communication with other women and give yourself kinda something to compare your own thoughts and feelings, to.

Some of the research that I've read, was that women are a bit more plastic in their sexuality. When you have a Y-chromosome, well, not so much. My sexuality is nailed down and quite unlikely to change. I've read that women, sufficiently motivated, are able to change. But what constitutes enough motivation, I don't know. And if you're like me, the way you feel towards the same sex is part of you, and trying to rid yourself of it feels kind of like cutting out living tissue.

For me it came down to what life do I want for myself and what do I want more? I chose a relationship with the opposite sex because I want female companionship and to have those romantic feelings. Still, it can be a struggle, when your sexual and romantic feelings are of unequal amounts for a given sex.

Maybe talking with a professional would help, if as you hint, it could be discovered there is some reason why you are meh on men from a practical standpoint, and want to crush towards women. I mean it could be insecurity towards men maybe women are more comfortable. Or maybe you're more lesbian but you think you need to conform, on some level, to the conventional?

I don't know, to me it sounds as if you're maybe on the whole, a little more into women.

Have you taken any kinds of tests? I know that online tests must be taken with a grain of salt, but I'm thinking you might find some of them interesting. The most comprehensive orientation test I know of is the Flexuality Test- you can Google for that, and you'll find it in a Wordpress, I believe. It was written by a bixexual sex researcher- it is admittedly weighted away from calling anyone gay or straight, reflecting the ideological bias of the author that most people are inherently bisexual to at least a small degree, but still I've found it the most thought-out self-test out there. I'd be interested in hearing your test results.

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Re: Straight but crushes on women

Postby ReinQuest » Thu Jan 31, 2019 8:20 pm

This is an interesting situation. It sounds like Pansexual or Bi because if I follow correct when your crushing it’s because of their physical body. I do this too with women, I’m a guy. It’s somewhat easy to dream about what you’d want to do when someone is incredibly sexy. Though often hard to actually play out these dreams without connecting. This is what defines a crush to me, physical connection but lacks emotional.

Love however, at least for me, isn’t a quick thing. It requires a deep emotional connection and when I get to this level I don’t actually dream of sex. I just want to be with them. Touching them, holding them. Being near doing something we enjoy. When I start to fall in love the physical side that defines a crush fades to an after thought.

When you start connecting with the person you like try to filter out the things that made you crush on them. Think about the emotional connection. I think you’ll know when you truly fall in love. If that happens man or woman, and they return the same feelings, I don’t think you’ll need to worry if the relationship will last.

I don’t know if this’ll help you but you seemed more worried about lasting connection. Crushes fade but love lingers forever.
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Re: Straight but crushes on women

Postby IJumpTheGun » Sat Feb 16, 2019 1:01 am

I'm not going to straight out label you as bi, pan or anything alike to that. Instead i'm just going to give you food for thought so you can decide yourself.

To me it sounds like you want someone to love you. You lack love in your life. Maybe you didn't have great role models growing up. Maybe instead you lack self-love. It's important to build yourself as the stable figure in your life (No matter how selfish that sounds). It's not the best thing to rely on others 24/7 to make ourselves feel better (That to me is the selfish thing). It seems like you don't celebrate your own achievements enough, or didnt stop to say to yourself 'Hey, that was really awesome what I just accomplished!". It sounds to me that these fantasies are a manifestation of a deeper thing relating to lack of love. Eg. Wanting to please someone and have them admire, praise you ect.

Forget sexuality, sex, fantasies and everything for a moment. You could benefit from self reflecting on pen and paper quietly as you hash this out. Dream imo have meanings and ive been learning them for years. Dreams about being in love w or having sex w the same sex: It represents that you want to be like them in a way. If you know the person and theyre calm & outgoing for example, that is a trait that you want to incorporate yourself. I urge you to work on and focus on self improvement.
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