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french kissed my dad when I was little

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french kissed my dad when I was little

Postby spoonriver1993 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 3:43 am

It all started with this "game" my dad and I would play when I was about preschool age or maybe a little older (??) where we'd basically french kiss each other with tongues. I have no other memories of him doing anything else to me. I don't really have memories of him at all from that period (0-12ish?). I remember my friends and playing at their houses and my teachers but nothing from my house. I wasn't abused or anything either. I know that my mom worked and he looked after me a couple summers and I do remember driving with my dad and dropping her off at work and crying hysterically, feeling so distraught that my mom was leaving. I really hated being apart from her.
This is going to sound CRAZY as ###$ and you all will hate me for saying it but I kind of feel like my dad MAY have molested me and it's hard to focus on other things until I write this out. I've been having this feeling for about a year or so and usually I can forget about it but not today. Maybe because last night I had a sexual experience (first time anal, unprotected) with a stranger I met in a bar. And I felt too uncomfortable to ask him to stop or slow down even though it hurt and I think he would have stopped. I don't know why I feel so unable to assert myself. I even want to see him again although I hated the sex and got zero enjoyment. I've had similar experiences with men (all strangers) and I've never felt pleasure during sex so I don't know why I keep doing this. I guess I like the attention?
There's a million little things that could or could not be clues. Always having a lot of vaginal pain, yeast infections and great pain urinating when I was a kid. Getting in trouble for french kissing kids at school. Drawing a picture at school of my dad in the shower, with his penis out, and being questioned about it by my mom and teacher. Then there's my dad's depression, anxiety, alcoholism, marital problems, secret affairs with younger women. Also my dad's weird sexual problems (he told my mom he was asexual once, another time he said that his sister was raped by his dad, another time he said he hired a prostitute to ###$ him up the ass though I don't think that he was being serious). He also refused to have sex with my mom for years.
The biggest potential "clue" for me though is the feeling I get around him or even when he emails. My parents are separated and I haven't talked to him for years but I'm totally fine with it. If it were up to me I'd never talk to him again. I don't have a reason, though. He is much nicer to me than my mother who is very unpredictable and angry and sometimes violent. Yet I'd pick her over him any day. He makes me so uncomfortable and irritable. Ever since middle/high school I hate being around him. I find him repulsive and weak and uncomfortable. I don't like being touched by him. I don't even like when he emails me nice things or buys me birthday presents. Another reason for this could be the fact that my mother hates him and I've kinda had to choose between my parents so I don't know.
I guess the final thing is my own sexual issues. I've never dated. Always been shy around boys until recently and now I just sometimes go out to bars in the middle of the night and hook up with strangers. I followed random guys into their apartment once and was drugged and probably raped. I let men do a lot to me even though I don't like it. I also have huge incest fantasies and love attention from older men and have fallen in love with many a male professor.
So what do you think? I'd never actually accuse him of anything or get the law involved no matter what I "remember." If anything I just want to figure out what's wrong with ME so I can get better. I've been depressed, possibly bipolar for a long time and feel like I'll never experience sex or intimacy in a normal way.
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Re: french kissed my dad when I was little

Postby Wally58 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:19 am

Locked. Duplicate post. Please see:
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