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Lesbian but confused?

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Lesbian but confused?

Postby CynthiaRose420 » Mon Jul 23, 2018 3:42 pm

When I was a little kid I crushed on guys. I didn't like girls until I met my girlfriend. I thought I was pansexual at first. I started crushing on celebrities that were female so I reidentified myself as lesbian. I love my girlfriend so much I know I'm not straight. Lately I have been having thoughts of being in a heterosexual relationship. I'm worrying what if it was just a stage? I love my girlfriend I want to marry her. But why is my mind telling me otherwise? Is it just a stage? I don't want it to be. I love girls. I love my girlfriend. What is wrong with me? Does rediscovering yourself mean it was just a stage and you would end up straight? I'm scared. I don't want it to be a stage. I am happy as a lesbian. I am happy with liking girls. I don't want a guy. I don't. Is this HOCD? I was diagnosed with GAD. So is it my anxiety disorder?
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Re: Lesbian but confused?

Postby CynthiaRose420 » Wed Jul 25, 2018 3:27 pm

I forgot to say, the crushes when I was little was just I wanted to be around them. So it wasn't really a crush crush. My girlfriend was my first crush crush.
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Re: Lesbian but confused?

Postby JessicaLuR » Sun Aug 05, 2018 4:27 pm

Sexuality is fluid and definitely not binary (homosexual or heterosexual). If you love your girlfriend then you love her. That is not a stage. If you have an interest in a generic heterosexual relationship (which is what it sounds like, to me: not an interest in a specific person, just in general) it sounds to me that that is just one of those wistful thoughts. People have those, all the time. Straight people wonder what it is like to be in a gay relationship, gay people wonder what it would be like to be in a straight relationship. I don't want to say "the grass is always greener", because I don't think that is what is going on. I think it is more that we (as human beings) always wonder what that "different" thing is like.
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Re: Lesbian but confused?

Postby Snaga » Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:43 am

Agree with Jessica on the nonbinary part- I'm a bisexual male. For me, not so much the fluid- I subscribe to a sexologist that decided males aren't very changeable in their sexuality, but women are more plastic. And you're a girl....

I'll add that for you, this could also be straight OCD. I mean we can't call it HOCD, but it's basically the same thing, right? If that's what's going on. You wouldn't be the first LG to get worried you suddenly like the opposite sex. Without any real reason to believe you really are.

Also, I think of my own experience. I'm Bi. I have OCD and anxiety issues. Most of my sexually aware life, I've done an awful lot of hand-wringing over my sexuality- my mind going from one end of the binary, to the other. Despairing and depressed over thinking I'm gay. Deciding I'm straight and I'm deluding myself and worried that I've been kidding myself and being 'gay' when I'm not. And on, and on, and on. OCD-style thinking seems to demand we are all what we fear, or not at all. Nothing in between.

Until I set the anxiety aside and looked at it from outside myself. I know I like girls. I know I want to do things with guys. Okay then, no matter what my mind yells at me, I must be Bi, end of story, when I look back over my sexual history of thoughts, desires, and actions.

And that's what I tell folks in the OCD forum they have to do- have to look at yourself before you got all worried about it. Have to look at what puts a smile on your face. Have to decide, would I really like to live that fantasy with whichever sex I'm worried over, out? And make a rational decision, setting your anxiety aside. And make that your narrative and stick with it in the face of your brain trying to tell you otherwise.

Don't let your anxiety suck the fun out of being with your g/f, sweetie.
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