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Sexual confusion, never been commiting

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Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby Lilllirosebea » Fri Jul 06, 2018 9:44 am

Hey, I'm 24 y/o and a virgin. I had sexual encounters with men before and I really liked them there was just no penetration. Now I am questioning my sexuality. Here's why:

Last year I moved to another country which came with a lot of stress and lead me into a mild form of depression evolving around loneliness and my looks (I got acne and cut my hair way too short). At my birthday party this year one of my friends noticed that there we're only two males. She made a comment about me not knowing any males and that triggered something in me. I was fine for a couple of days, but when I went on holiday to visit a friend I met her flatmates and thought 'oh they're beautiful' followed by 'you just thought they're beautiful - you must be a lesbian'. I have been checking ever since, checking if I had a crush on my female friends all along, if I'm sexually aroused by either gender, one of them or both. Depending on the day I feel content with being a heterosexual as I never imagined being with a woman and cannot really imagine it (when I try i feel sick) and then I question it again 'why don't you have male friends then?' I would try to reason it with 'because you always had an affair with them and they couldn't take you did not want a relationship' and my brain would go 'see you never had a proper relationship with a man'. And so the spiral goes keeping me awake at night and I really don't know what to feel anymore or what is true and what isn't. I question whether it's just I want this feminine look back for myself (i don't feel pretty/feminine with the short hair) or if I am really a lesbian that now notices it. I find the idea of having a man inside me wonderful, although I am don't know how to handle a cock when it's infront of me. Also I have never fantasied about women, but do notice when one is attractive (usually I don't wonder if that makes me gay, now I do) My emotional bonds can be strong with both men and female, but I have mostly female friends some of which I have extremely deep relationships with. And I tend to put my friends needs over my love-life. To the point where it influences my dating life. I really enjoyed being with the men I was with - sexually and emotionally, now I'm doubting why I never went further then. At the moment I keep checking with videos, on the street, but i cannot determine what real attraction feels like anymore. I am afraid to meet my female friends, as I'm afraid I would feel something. I do hold hands with some of them, but never saw that sexually just as expression of a deep bond, when other people noticed I would feel embarrassed and anxious someone could think I was a lesbian. My freedom was always most important to me so I put more into my friendships than I did into potential relationships- out of fear that would get stuck with one person. Whenever someone came close to me on that level I would purposley push them to fall out of love with me. As I mentioned before I'm really shy around boys and don't know what to say...this inability to get to know them easily makes me question even further. Contemplating and trying to find an answer is taking up a large part of my day. Everytime I'm out and about I'm growing confident I'm heterosexual again, when left alone with my thoughts I start worrying. I check all the time.

Here's a bit more about me...just for context:
I have never had a very strong sex drive, but was having crushes and sexual encounters with the opposite sex when I was in my late puberty (16ish) which I really enjoyed. (late bloomer) I let the people around me (mostly females as I was very shy towards boys) influence my decisions when it came to my choice of boys.... always wanting them to approve. So whenever I was with a boy I would question what my friends would think of me if I had sex with him. (I even went so far to date a boy I really liked and they didn't without telling them) Later that year I got cast in a theatre play as a lesbian character and I lost it as I thought people must've thought that I was gay, because I never had sex or a boyfriend and I panicked. Even more so when a friend of mine came out. I managed to drop the thought when I started noticing that I could get boys to like me when I wanted to and I started enjoying flirting with them again. Only when I moved to another city for an internship I felt totally free to enjoy my dating properly so I dated a lot and finally got on with a boy so well that he followed me back home. I was in love, but also distressed as I had told him I had sex and I didn't want him to find out I was still a virgin. Also the thought of introducing him to my friends who didn't know this slightly more confident version of me that I discovered while I was away was terrifying. So i pushed him away. This story went on and off with different boys from now on - me getting caught in even more lies about not being a virgin. I never settled on one of them - always wanting to keep all my options open. So I happily spend my days being single, making friends (males and females!), dating men. About two years ago I met a girl that should become one of my closest friends...she was so cool and I wanted to be like her (we actually do get asked if we are sisters now). She was very confident with men and encourage me to finally commit to my first proper boyfriend and I enjoyed being with him and got very aroused by him as well, but depending on what friends I talked to I moved from being head over heels to think do I really like him? Am I just with him because I'm being told to do so? I could never commit to a proper relationship and I don't know why as it is quite easy for me to commit to deep friendships with both males and females...although as I mentioned mostly females as I would start and affair with almost all my male friends whether or not I wanted to commit to anything with them.

Please let me know your thought's as I'm slowly going crazy obsessing over knowing, but not knowing what I want sexually and from a relationship...
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby anathegram » Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:48 pm

Lilllirosebea wrote:I never imagined being with a woman and cannot really imagine it (when I try i feel sick)
I really enjoyed being with the men I was with - sexually and emotionally

That's that, really.

There's a theme I pick up here, from the second part of your post especially: you seem to have a lot of anxiety around how people perceive you. Panicking when you have to play a lesbian character, letting your friends pick boys for you, telling boys who are interested in you that you're not a virgin so they won't judge you and not having sex with them even if you might want to so your friends won't judge you…

I wonder if this isn't the only facet of your life where you experience these problems. A firmer sense of self might help you immensely; you can't let yourself be ruled by anxiety, and you need to be able to make your own decisions. You might be able to develop that over time, or you might want to speak to someone who can work with you on this in a professional capacity.
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby Lilllirosebea » Sat Jul 07, 2018 8:23 am

Hej anathegram, thanks for the quick reply! Yes I have these sort of problems - overthinking what others might think of what I do - all areas of my life. I have considered seeing a therapist, but have been afraid to admit there's something 'wrong' with me. But I will reconsider it!

What is plaguing me is that every morning I wake up with my heart pounding and my head questioning myself? The question are you gay is at the forefront of it at the moment, although I feel like that's nonsense as soon as I calm down from the panic...usually through checking or reassuring myself.
As I wrote before my friends are mostly female and I can talk/spend time with them for hours, but when there's a man around I can't get a normal conversation going. I don't know why, but I curl up into my shell not saying a word. That is different though with men I am working with as soon as I have an initial topic to start talking about I then can carry and easy and good conversation into personal life as well. That is why most of my affairs were with colleagues from work.
My head is now at a point where it is telling me that this inability of talking to man must mean that I am not really interested in them. Part of me knows that's not true, part of me questions whether I should rather be with the people I can easily get connected to (women). And why I do with them, but not men? This excludes flatmates, working colleugues etc.. as I feel like I have a reason/ a position to talk to them and we usually get along very well.

When it comes to physical or romantic relationships I've never made the first step and tend to question how I know that I really have feelings for the man that go further than butterflies, I tend to get nervous around them and to avoid sex...as previously stated I have lied about being a virgin and hyped it up though that. I never felt like engaging in a relationship with a woman, but I spend a lot of time with some friends, we go on holiday, have sleep-overs and text everyday - about everything. I have thought before I should skip this whole dating thing and life without a relationship as it causes me anxiety of not knowing whether my feelings are real and only ends in me hurting the men that are close to me. Then my head kicks in debating whether this is a sign that I have no interest in men/ romantic relationships with them? Would that mean that I am gay? Does me getting along so well with females mean I am gay without knowing it? Am I A-romantic? Or something else.

It gives me panic attacks not knowing what my feelings mean and I just don't know hoe to stop the thoughts.
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:05 am

Lilllirosebea wrote:My head is now at a point where it is telling me that this inability of talking to man must mean that I am not really interested in them.

... you can't talk to men because you are (sexually) interested in them. it's the same with men that can't talk to women. and this is why small talk was invented. it's a good way of breaking the ice without having to put your cards on the table.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby Lilllirosebea » Sat Jul 07, 2018 12:35 pm

Thanks shock the monkey, I am not very good at small talk, but I probably should start practicing it more to get comfortable with it.

Nevertheless that doesn't help my confusion about not knowing how I feel when I meet men/ women.
For a few weeks now I am weirdly aware of a woman's body whenever I am out and about. I don't dare to hug my friends as I am afraid I will feel some kind of tension i guess...
Also I have become more aware of a womens beauty, without being able to tell if its admiration/ jealousy like it used to be or attraction. Beautiful women used to intimidate me nothingnow more, now I don't know anymore. Also I stopped talking to one of my best friends that I used to do stuff like underwear shopping with as I am afraid that I will like seeing her naked all of a sudden.
At the same time I cannot determine anymore who I feel attracted to. When I see a man that I find attractive I feel relieved and happy for a few seconds, before I doubt actually being attracted to him again.
Lastly I question why I avoided lesbian content in films and movies all my life...it made me uncomfortable, but why? Because it's not for me or because I am in denial?
I even question whether I was with my last boyfriend to make my female friends happy.
I know I love him, but how much? Did I really want him as a partner? I tend to like boys that I know my friends wouldn't like and for sure have ignored my feelings once or twice. Also I have pretended to date boys that I liked but never was with to not appear weird.
With other exes I'm sure I felt deep affection for them, there's no doubt. When I imagine my future I see myself with a man hopefully, although I doubt it will happen when I don't get outit of this rut. I would like to have a family and when I look at men the thought make happy, butbut a bit nervous/anxious.

Sorry this must sound like I am completely out of mind. Why do I have to think so much about it? Why can't I just feel and know?

Very confused greetings!
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Jul 07, 2018 1:21 pm

think of it like advertising. all around us we are bombarded with images of products that are meant to imply certain things, like health, happiness, beauty, you name it. now, we can't just ignore these images. they go into our subconscious. and then one day we pick up brand X of product Y from the supermarket and buy it, and if we're suitably astute, we get home and start to wonder why.

well, sexuality is sort of like that. we have all these images in or heads of what sexuality means. and they got there through much the same process. indeed, advertisers use what's termed 'product placement' so that they can put their product in your head without you even being aware that it's being 'advertised' to you.

these thought don't, of themselves, mean anything. they're just thoughts.

i still say that you're more comfortable with women because the sexual element is absent, rather than because you're sexually attracted to them.

there's another clue here ...

Lilllirosebea wrote:When it comes to physical or romantic relationships I've never made the first step and tend to question how I know that I really have feelings for the man that go further than butterflies, I tend to get nervous around them and to avoid sex...as previously stated I have lied about being a virgin and hyped it up though that.


... said butterflies is your body getting cued up for sexual activity. the nerves and avoidance is societal conditioning getting in the way of what your body is telling you. as for being a virgin, most men would be very impressed, rather than put off.

try not to worry about what other people might think of you. that way you'll find that you're more in touch with your own feelings.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby Lilllirosebea » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:32 am

This gives me some relieve, thank you!
I really hope I will soon manage and just listen to what I feel and not worry and question all the time.

I guess it's true what you are saying about being influenced what is shown to us by society. Also I have to accept again that it is perfectly normal to find attractive people beautiful, no matter what gender they have and that that doesn't say anything about your sexuality. I know that I knew before, I just suddenly started questioning it...don't know why.
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby Lilllirosebea » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:55 am

Also I hope I can normalize my bbehaviour towards men...and find confidence in being with them!

I wish it was this easy to do :?
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby anathegram » Tue Jul 10, 2018 11:12 am

Anecdotally, I've never met a lesbian who was socially comfortable around women and uncomfortably shy around men. Though such a person undoubtably exists.

Lilllirosebea wrote:I have considered seeing a therapist, but have been afraid to admit there's something 'wrong' with me. But I will reconsider it!

An anxiety disorder (which is what this sounds like, to me) (I am not a doctor) can be absolutely crippling, but at the same time they're… not that much of a big deal? Therapists help people with them every day. Anxiety is a great thing to learn how to manage, even when it isn't a significant problem in your life. You might be able to find some resources online about managing anxiety, as well, but working with someone in-person is probably more effective.
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Re: Sexual confusion, never been commiting

Postby Lilllirosebea » Tue Jul 10, 2018 12:12 pm

Thanks you for your reply! I have looked at online resources before, but was never sure if any of them were trustworthy.

As for my feelings, that is what I believe to be true about myself if I really listen to myself. I am attracted to men and therefore I'm uncomfortable around them. And I am comfortable around women, because I never want more than friendship from them.

Nevertheless whenever I see a picture of a very pretty woman or a women in a sexualised pose my heart will tighten and my head will say 'was that arousal?' 'do you like women?' 'have you liked women before?' 'why does it make you uncomfortable thinking that a women might be attracted to you?'

This thoughts have just started recently and I wonder if anxiety can get that bad that quickly? Especially around one topic?
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