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Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

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Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby ClairDeLune » Sun Jun 24, 2018 5:07 pm

I've always been a little different from most people relationship-wise. I just assumed this had to do with myself being a "late bloomer" of sorts. I'm 18, I've never been in a relationship, gone on a date, kissed anyone, had sex, etc. I'm starting to think this may be because what I would like to eventually experience sexually does not line up with who I am attracted to in reality.

I've only ever liked boys romantically, with one girl being an exception. Nothing ever works out with them, but that's who I happen to be attracted to in real-life. The reason why things didn't work out with the girl is because we are too close as friends and I wasn't able to risk ruining that (my family is also quite homophobic and that also scared me). But something that confuses me is that the boys that I find attractive (romantically, and to some degree sexually) are quite feminine.

When I am alone, and think about sex, I think about girls exclusively. I've only ever watched lesbian porn because men just don't seem completely right in that context for me, personally. To be honest, I find the concept of having sex with a man scary. But when I am in public, I can't really see myself dating a woman, I find myself wanting to date men.

And now I'm afraid that I'll never be able to have a relationship with someone that encompasses both of these aspects. I'm one of those people that will likely wait for marriage to have sex, but I don't want to completely deprive myself of dating someone that I'm really attracted to.

Has anyone else every felt like this? Or do you have any advice about what I should do? There's no one in my life that I can actually talk about this with.
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby salted lipstick » Tue Jun 26, 2018 2:55 pm

ClairDeLune wrote:I just assumed this had to do with myself being a "late bloomer" of sorts. I'm 18, I've never been in a relationship, gone on a date, kissed anyone, had sex, etc.
That's really not that unusual. You just don't hear other people talking about it. Our culture isn't really supportive of people delaying sexual and romantic behaviour but the lack of people discussing celibacy etc doesn't mean that everyone is on some band wagon that you haven't jumped on yet. Plenty of people are still trying to figure things out before jumping in, even if their sexuality is very straightforward to them, so you are in plenty of good company in your current position.

ClairDeLune wrote:When I am alone, and think about sex, I think about girls exclusively. I've only ever watched lesbian porn because men just don't seem completely right in that context for me, personally.
Do you think about girls exclusively when alone in a way that's modelled on the porn you watch? I think there is a really good chance that porn is not necessarily a good reflection of sexuality in real life. I think men in porn are largely ignored in heterosexual porn, mostly you can't ever see their faces or reactions, they don't really make much sound. As a result, heterosexual porn tends to focus on the physical aspect of the act, rather than any of the aspects of men that would be usual focusses of arousal for women. This isn't really a good reflection on heterosexual sex at all. If lesbian porn is at all similar, I imagine it's not a great reflection of lesbian sexuality either.

ClairDeLune wrote:Or do you have any advice about what I should do?
Ultimately you don't have to rush into anything. Be open to experiences and learn about yourself and your preferences in the process. You can talk these things through with people that you become interested and involved with as you go and your partners will provide more insight too. There are also lots of interesting books or websites about sexuality, romance and sex and it's worth getting some perspectives to think about through this avenue also. If you are still feeling like you need more support, you always have available the option of a therapist also...
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby ClairDeLune » Fri Jun 29, 2018 12:05 am

Thank you so much for your opinion, Salted Lipstick! I really appreciate you taking time to give me some insight.

salted lipstick wrote: I think men in porn are largely ignored in heterosexual porn, mostly you can't ever see their faces or reactions, they don't really make much sound. As a result, heterosexual porn tends to focus on the physical aspect of the act, rather than any of the aspects of men that would be usual focusses of arousal for women. This isn't really a good reflection on heterosexual sex at all. If lesbian porn is at all similar, I imagine it's not a great reflection of lesbian sexuality either.


This is how I feel also! I don't think men are accurately portrayed and this makes me question things also. I think this is something I'll have to discover for myself in the future.

I definitely feel a deeper emotional connection to men than women, and I'm worried the way I think about women is purely physical (which isn't necessarily a bad thing in general, but for myself I think romanticism is definitely more important than sex). So in this sense, I rank men above women, but I still worry that in the far future, when a relationship becomes physical for me, I won't enjoy it. It's not that I don't find men attractive, I really really do, but the concept of penetration is what freaks me out. I guess something that interest me about girls is how they engage in sex (it seems less invasive).

I guess that makes things more clear. And I know it's impossible for me to know anything for sure until I try, but it's difficult to be this confused while exercising celibacy because I'm not really interested in experimenting.
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby anathegram » Sun Jul 01, 2018 9:14 am

ClairDeLune wrote:I've only ever liked boys romantically, with one girl being an exception.

Did you ever find out how she felt about it? From your next couple sentences I am guessing no.
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby ClairDeLune » Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:36 pm

anathegram wrote: Did you ever find out how she felt about it? From your next couple sentences I am guessing no.


Hi Anathegram, thanks for your response. I actually did find out that she’s liked me for a long time (years). One of my friends asked her when they were both drunk, so unfortunately my friend doesn’t remember much that she said past that. I guess that gave me a little courage, but about a month later she started dating someone so I’ve put everything on hold for a while. I guess if she were single I wouldn’t be opposed to trying something, but I still feel like it could damage our relationship so that scares me a bit.
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby anathegram » Mon Jul 02, 2018 8:36 am

ClairDeLune wrote:I guess that gave me a little courage, but about a month later she started dating someone

Was that disappointing? If so, have you felt similarly disappointed when a boy you liked started dating someone else?
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby ClairDeLune » Mon Jul 02, 2018 6:55 pm

anathegram wrote: Was that disappointing? If so, have you felt similarly disappointed when a boy you liked started dating someone else?


It was pretty disappointing, especially because she identifies as lesbian but she's currently dating a boy that lives on the other side of the world... it's complicated. At the start I just assumed it was casual, but they've already flown across the Atlantic to see each other, and he's taking it really seriously, I guess it'll last longer than both of us originally thought. I'm being supportive, but it does confuse me a quite a bit.

I've felt the same way about boys, it actually happens quite often. A few months ago I liked a boy and asked him out, he said he was seeing someone else, but I was more upset at myself than either of them. And recently I liked a boy (which was exciting because I hadn't liked a boy since all this stuff happened with my friend and since I was rejected the first time I asked someone out) but he had a girlfriend that I could tell he really loved. It made me more jealous than upset, I would say. It made me feel more hopeless than anything else, since I felt like things just never work out for me, and time is a horrible thing sometimes.
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby anathegram » Mon Jul 02, 2018 11:54 pm

ClairDeLune wrote:It was pretty disappointing, especially because she identifies as lesbian but she's currently dating a boy that lives on the other side of the world... it's complicated.

Ouch.
ClairDeLune wrote:It made me feel more hopeless than anything else, since I felt like things just never work out for me, and time is a horrible thing sometimes.

I get the impression things don't work out for a lot of people by the age of 18, but I'll spare you the platitudes because I doubt they'd help. :P

I think you should consider that you might not be exclusively heteroromantic. Maybe you haven't met many women who attract you but it sounds like you've met at least one. I wonder if you'd feel less uncertainty if your family had different views.

I guess I'll parrot salted lipstick's advice and say you don't have to rush into anything, especially something you feel uncomfortable about. And if you do get involved with someone, man or woman, there's no shame in being upfront with them about what you are not comfortable with.

One more question that I can't believe slipped past me: do you actually want to have sex with a woman, or is that just what you fantasize about? You've mentioned a couple times that you don't see yourself having sex soon ('eventually', waiting for marriage), and the appeal of lesbian sex that you brought up was that it seems less invasive. Maybe a sexual relationship is just not what you're after?
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Jul 03, 2018 12:49 pm

i have to say that i think the culture we now have of over-sexualising everything is deeply unhealthy. sexuality is actually a relatively small part of life. most of living is about relating to people asexually. and the amount of media attention given to sex is bound to be confusing to younger people. you don't have to choose from some bewildering selection of labels. you don't have to define yourself. once upon a time people just assumed that their lives would follow a certain path. life was a lot simpler back then. and there weren't all the extraneous influences back then either. and whilst i'm sure that some people would argue that things weren't ideal back then, neither are they now. it's almost as if people have too much choice. choice is only a good thing if you actually know what you're choosing. my advice would be to stop trying to make an uninformed choice. life is to be lived, not worried about. and it's in the living of it that you'll find fulfilment, whatever that might be for you.
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Re: Can I be Homosexual and Hetero-romantic?

Postby anathegram » Tue Jul 03, 2018 7:34 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:once upon a time people just assumed that their lives would follow a certain path. life was a lot simpler back then. and there weren't all the extraneous influences back then either.

Does being institutionalized count as an extraneous influence?
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