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Confused about my sexuality

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Confused about my sexuality

Postby gocougs12345 » Thu Jun 07, 2018 7:06 am

For most of my life I have been really struggling with my sexuality. So I guess I’ll start from the beginning, get ready for a long story:

When I was young, during my early years in elementary, I always had a “crush.” There was always a girl that I was crazy about (I wasn’t weird about it) but most of the time it wasn’t mutual, and it would hurt really bad. It wasn’t until sixth grade that I finally had a “girlfriend” (in quotations because I don’t really consider it as a real relationship) and I was ecstatic. We chatted everyday on msn messenger (the good ol’ days) and I was head over heels for her. We kept making plans on when we would have our first kiss but she would always flake, and it would really ###$ with my self-esteem. Eventually she broke up with me and I was absolutely crushed. I was feeling down for weeks, and this also happened right when my parents decided to split up.

A year later I was in middle school and I ended up falling for another girl and we ‘dated’ for like 5 days lol, and on the last day we were planning to have our first kiss but then my buddy came up to me and said she wanted to break up with me. Devastated lol. I eventually got over it and ended up having my first kiss with my next “girlfriend” but that relationship didn’t last long (don’t remember how it ended) and I would eventually have 3 other ‘girlfriends’ during my time in middle school. But sometime around eighth grade I ended up on a gay porn site (why my parents didn’t have child lock is unknown to me) and it was the first time I ever felt sexually aroused. I explored and was into it. Towards the end of eighth grade it was the first time I ever had a crush on a boy, and it was a good friend of mine. I eventually told him and it got awkward but we went back to normal friends.

High school came around and I developed hard feelings for a girl friend of mine, and we were super close. I was put in the friend zone hard and she would always tell me that she liked me as “just a friend.” During my time through high school I was only ever sexually attracted to guys. Around junior year, I developed feelings for a good guy friend of mine and we quickly became best friends. The girl that I still had feelings for was crazy about this guy (lmao), and there were times where the three of us hung out. Eventually he told me he sort have liked her, which is a first because he was one of those guys who only wanted to fool around with girls and never wanted to date. I didn’t want to be selfish so I told him it didn’t bother me (when it did) and I told him to go for her (because I knew how happy she would be) so they ended up dating and I was crushed. Cried for days, more upset about the girl than the guy friend.

From to now (I’m 21) I have only had sexual and emotional feelings for men, and I’ve had intense feelings for 2 guys. A year ago I finally met a guy online and went to his place to hook up with him (super nice guy, took it very slow, was very understanding). I was sexually attracted to him and when it came to actually hooking up with him I hated the whole experience. I didn’t enjoy anything we were doing. So I left his place feeling confident that I wasn’t gay but then eventually I would end up back on gay porn websites. I tried hooking up with the same guy two more times but it always ended up like the first time. I also tried hooking with a good guy friend a couple times but I didn’t enjoy that either.

When I look back on what I just wrote, I’m kind of shocked about how I used to have always have feelings for someone (seems kind of unhealthy) but within the past couple months I have accepted that I don’t need someone to make me happy. And have been happier ever since. But, I am still frustrated with my sexuality because I would like to have a great sexual experience.
There are moments where I am somewhat sexually attracted to girls (I even dance and make out with them at parties) but the attraction has never been as strong as I have had for guys but I do not enjoy hooking up with guys.

I don’t know if my early childhood experience with girls have traumatized me in a way or not. Could deep insecurities with girls be affecting my sexual attraction towards them? Maybe I’m super intimidated by girls? Could I be really attracted to guys because I have rarely had a girl reciprocate feelings for me?

I also believe that sexuality is a spectrum, and I am surrounded by very loving and accepting friends and family, and I’m also completely fine with being with a man if that ever ends up happening.

If anyone has been through a similar situation I would love some insight. if not I would really love some constructive advice/insight
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Re: Confused about my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 07, 2018 5:08 pm

I'm bisexual, and male(ish). I can relate. I... am intimidated by cis-girls, yes. I consider myself gender fluid, so I have issues with not being Man enough (and ofc the ironic thing is I don't particularly want to be 'all boy'), and my looks I felt were against me, once I got up into those oh-so-wonderful adolescent years. And I got bullied by girls (verbally) in middle school. So... yeah. I have to wonder, if that, plus having been groomed by a pederast, pushed me sexually in the other direction.

I don't think it created it- I remember childhood same-sex experimentation being very titillating for me, with no thought as to what sex I was messing with. It was sex, what else do I need to know? But I do think it's affected my ability to relate to women and be more comfortable romantically. Outside of romance, while I feel attractions to women all the time, I can relate just wonderfully, socially- much more comfortable with a group of girls, than guys. But when it comes to playing the field, it's like, eeek!!! I can do it, but it takes a lot of work to get over myself and kinda keep my insecurities at bay. Ultimately, I don't think I'm really the kind of guy most girls want to be with, and I don't blame them.

Sexually, I'm very much attracted to homosexuality, but the romantic/companionship aspects? I think I could be in a same-sex relationship, but I don't think it's my natural instinct to do so, as I'm drawn to females.

What part, about hooking up with guys, do you not like? Is there any part of it you do? And you're physically attracted to them, right?
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Re: Confused about my sexuality

Postby gocougs12345 » Thu Jun 07, 2018 8:29 pm

When i hooked up with the guys, I liked the kissing and that was pretty much it. I didn’t like anything past that but I pushed myself to keep trying so i could see if it was something I was truly into. Afterwards I would just lose sexual interest in guys for about a week or so, the I would be back online looking at gay porn.

I don’t mind if I end up with a guy or a girl, but it would just be nice to figure out where I really stand. I have read a lot of posts about people with HOCD and I can relate to a lot of what they say. Maybe I’m just a scared pussy with girls and need to just learn confidence? Maybe finding girls intimidating keeps me from getting aroused?
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Re: Confused about my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:38 pm

Whew, who knows?

You say you're attracted to guys, though. That doesn't sound like HOCD to me. Do you have a history of OCD behaviours, thoughts, compulsions? I'm OCD- which did mess with me- OCD wants absolute certainty about things, and well, I'm not gay, I'm not straight- and for a long time, my brain would flip from being one, to the other.

Also a hallmark for most HOCD thought patterns, seems to be a singular moment where a person gets the thought pop in their head, 'I'm gay'. or, 'What if I'm gay?' and they get absolutely terrified and upset at the thought. And.. unlike you, they'd rather be dead, than be gay. Or at least, that's what they think. Us pwOCD do a lot of suicide ideation, we're dramatic. That's not an insult, that's just part of the disorder. I'm the same way about some of my fears.

But one thing folks with HOCD are never happy with, is ending up with the same sex. (or the occasional person with let's call it SOCD, and are frightened of being straight) Being Bi, and also being OCD, I'm no expert but as mod I do catch vibes for either alternate sexuality, or OCD, and I'm not feeling the OCD with you, so far.

What about guys turns you on? Maybe looking at that can help you map your way. For me? Well, the obvious anatomical difference. I like a nice hairy chest. The bearish type. Funnily for me, I don't glom onto guys much in 3D. I think if I were at a camp, bath house, somewhere guys were nekkid, I'd be doing a lot more glomming. I tend to get turned on more by naked men, and clothed women. Go figure. Nobody said being Bi was easy- you'd think yeah, no matter what someone got it's all good, but no, it doesn't work that way.

Was the sex uninteresting, or outright unpleasant? Do you think it was taboo that kept you from enjoying it? I doubt it, from your posts, but it's a thought. I think I have seen you make out with girls, how far has that gone? You do anything more than kiss, how did that seem for you?

We had a poster on her a short while, swore he was completely gay, loved sex with guys only, absolutely could not, would not, do anything with a vagina, not negotiable... but his romantic and companionship leanings were 110% for women and he couldn't, wouldn't, have a relationship with a man. Me? I'd argue he's really Bi- a really unfortunate variant, but Bi. Point being, Bi is a humongous umbrella. We can't always control what amounts or kinds of attraction we have for each sex. And sometimes they're not exactly mutually compatible.

Have you taken many orientation tests? If you haven't, I suggest the Flexuality Test. You can google for it, it's on a Wordpress personal site, run by a sexologist. It's seeks to be a little more in-depth, than a simple Kinsey-based test. It's also weighted to classify according to a spectrum, rather than black/white.
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