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HOCD Idk anymore

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HOCD Idk anymore

Postby SaveDave » Mon Jun 04, 2018 7:46 am

I'm a teenage guy who has trouble finding confidence in my sexuality. I've been dealing with symptoms of HOCD for almost 3 years now and it just keeps on getting worse. It seems like there's no light for me at the end of the tunnel. I remember the first day I had this thought of what if I'm gay. I was watching Modern Family and the gay couple was pretty funny and some how afterwards I thought what if I'm gay and just like that I fell down this pit. I know there was more to this but I can't recall. At this point I was very much into girls. I was at my peak but that thought if what if I'm gay brought a lot of anxiety for me. I couldn't live comfortably anymore I told my mom and she said things to calm me down and it help momentarly because these thoughts came to me at the beginning of my summer vacation and I had no where to go and nothing to distract me with so these thoughts were in my head all the time. I still looked at porn and masturbated daily with no intrusive thought popping in during those moments which looking back on I think if only I had it that easy now. These thoughts didn't stop me from looking for and finding love with girls. But since this started every girl I fall for I struggle to imagine sexually. Other girls would arouse me but strangely not the ones I wanted to be with.I fell in love with 2 girls since this thing took over and only when I was in love were the thoughts able to go away or not be as strong as before. Idk why the girls I fall for don't arouse me idk if that's a sign. Its been about 8 months since I was able to look or even think about a girl sexually and not have thoughts about a guy pop up. To some extent I know that I let these intrusive thoughts in and that I alone am responsible for their effect on me. Some things I just can't find answers to. Since the year began I've been having groinal responses. By that point I was worried that I wasn't feeling anymore anxiety until the groinal responses came in. They are horrible I can't walk anymore without think that it will go off. But until last week I noticed that when the arousal happens the mental image of a girl appears before I get the arousal. This only the case sometimes. All of these thoughts and problems occupy most of all of my time. I'm falling my classes and I beginning to lose my attraction to women. Before I would be able to find reassurance but now I cant. I can't fall for a girl anymore because when I think of girls a guy will hijack my sexual thought and masturbating moments. Idk if I'm in denial. The only thing that keeps me up is when I can clearly see some of the symptoms in actions like false memory, doubt, or the constant struggle of figuring out if I'm myself or not. Idk if ill ever get through this before this took over my life I had dreams of being with a kind, sweet, funny, smart, and interesting woman and for a kind time that kept me going and it helped me get through some tough moments but now I question everything and that goal struggles to give me the confidence I look for. Its as if the well has run dry. I can't even cry to let go of all my frustrations because I feel desensitized. I need help. I'm tired of fighting sometimes everything seems so bleak. If anyone can share their story I would appreciate it. I like reading stories I can look at and say that's the same thing that happeneded to me. I would like help but I'm not even sure anything could help me now. I hate having to be at the mercy of this.
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Re: HOCD Idk anymore

Postby briandb » Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:10 pm

Hi! I’m Brian. I have a very similar story. I started having all the same thoughts in college after my girlfriend and I broke up. “I might be gay, but I don’t want to be, but aren’t I straight, but I can’t prove I am.” The thoughts and experiences intensified to a point where I couldn’t enjoy anything. Vacations where a nightmare. Having a girlfriend was constant anxiety. Being around guys was constant anxiety. I also held on to moments and dreams where I was with a girl and enjoyed it, but nothing made the intrusive-feeling possibly homosexual thoughts go away.

That went on for years. I eventually had to learn how to face the possibility of being homosexual, or bisexual, or whatever. No definitive answer ever showed up, except that I'm all over the place in one way or another. I try to go with the flow with my thoughts and own them, but it can still be challenging sometimes. I leave my sexuality up in the air, because who knows? It’s always a learning process.

Thanks for sharing, feel free to comment or ask questions.

Cheers and much love!
Brian
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