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Straight Male, or Trans, or T-OCD, or Asexual?

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Straight Male, or Trans, or T-OCD, or Asexual?

Postby BlueCoathanger » Tue May 29, 2018 10:48 am

Im not sure where else to post.

I am a hetero male. While I find the female form quite sexually arousing, Im not entirely sure I want to do anything more to them. I've tried, and sex is quite frankly boringly repetetive and cumbersome. It doesn't float my boat. Sleeping with someone doesn't interest me. Stop breathing on me and give me my space. But the world is pushing me into a relationship.

I go through phases of sexuality. Some days, I consider myself a hetero male, sexually active, sexually capable. Then there are times that I feel more asexual and definitely not interested in sex.

Then there are times like now, that I question my gender identity. I've worn womens clothing and love it. But looking in the mirror I just feel like I look like a man in drag. Yet I sit there researching, looking up estrogens and anti-androgens to buy on the internet, looking at the surgery thinking it may be possible. Looking at the times I've "hidden" myself.

But then I move back into hetero male head space and it's not there. I have a thought cycle that keeps going round and round.

I have seen psychologists and been told I don't have ocd or anything, but I do have an informal diagnosis of mild autism. If it's not OCD then these MtF transgender thoughts must be genuine? If it is OCD then they aren't? The thoughts don't bother me as such. When Im in the moment, I would love to be whatever my brain wants me to be. It wouldn't scare me to transition. It feels unusual, but comfortable.

The fear isn't in doing. It's in starting. Most of my fears are in starting. My fear is in taking the first step. My fear is in trusting my brain is telling me the truth. My fear is in trusting that this isn't OCD and finding out six months down the line that Im back into hetero male headspace and I've ruined everything. Or even that I stop the quest and six months later the thoughts return and I've wasted six months by not committing.

I need the support of someone else to figure me out. I don't know where to turn. A transgender group? An OCD group? Autism group? Sexuality group? Im guessing I should see a psychologist - but which one?

I know I've had H-OCD before. I've actually gone on dates with men to find out... actually... no... this isn't me. It's not what I want.
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Re: Straight Male, or Trans, or T-OCD, or Asexual?

Postby briandb » Wed May 30, 2018 12:58 am

Hey Coathanger, just an opinion, here. I have similar but a little different sexuality aspects: hetero male/ trans/ HOCD in past (though still don't have a label for myself).

All of the sexual aspects you describe sound genuine to you, and it's normal to flip flop around, just like in the rest of life. I don't believe you'll find out later that it was "actually" just TOCD from the way you describe it, but that doesn't mean you'll ever fully identify as a trans M to F either.

One thing you can do is trust how you feel in the moment and take that next step. You never know where life will take you next - no need to plan out a full transition or anything like that. You may learn a lot about yourself from saving up for breast implants, for example, but you may never actually get them. Ultimately, I don't believe there's really a wrong decision, as your body is encouraging you to explore. Take baby steps and have fun! : )

I'm sure you can learn more by reaching out to any or all of those communities.

Cheers,
Brian
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Re: Straight Male, or Trans, or T-OCD, or Asexual?

Postby confusedd777 » Wed May 30, 2018 4:56 am

I'm no expert or anything, but it sounds like you're hung up on the labels.

Enjoying dressing in woman's clothing and even going out like that does not mean you have to live your whole life as a woman. Cross-dressing is more common than you think and many of those men enjoy life as a man and enjoy dressing as a woman sometimes. It's not one or the other. And if one day you decide you want to live as a woman, that's okay too.

If you're attracted to women, then you are straight as far as gay vs straight. Having a low sex drive does not make you an asexual. Also not every type of sex floats everyones boat. Even the most basic types. Maybe experiment with someone you're comfortable with. And if you're not interested in having tons of sex, there are many MANY other people that share that and would be comfortable in a limited sexual relationship. They're just not shouting it from the rooftops.

You can be all of these things without having to identify as anything. I suffer from HOCD and what you're going through sounds similar. It doesn't seem like the same anxiety I get over these things, but like you, us HOCD sufferers are desperate to "be" something and fit into a specific group when in reality it's as simple as just following your desires and finding people who feel similarly and respect what you ARE.

Also you say you want to love "whatever your brain wants you to be" but your brain IS you. It's not a separate being. Every feeling and desire you have comes from your brain. You're not a slave to an outside force.
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Re: Straight Male, or Trans, or T-OCD, or Asexual?

Postby BlueCoathanger » Wed May 30, 2018 8:48 am

I definitely think I've had HOCD in the past. That was definitely quite distressing. That's why I ended up going on dates. Got kissed by a gay man, and realised that... nope... It just did not work for me.

However now I have a girlfriend and...

I have a fear of being unable to reach climax. There are environmental factors which make things a little difficult, timing, the living conditions, other people in the household. These things haven't stopped me before. Even when it has worked before, I've never really been that interested. Her anxiety hits and she thinks I don't love her. She is insecure and I have to manage her feelings.

Im a late bloomer. Never had sex until I was very late 30's, but I gave it a try. It doesn't do anything for me. I don't like sharing a bed. I have to fake interest! I prefer my own space. I love kisses and cuddles, I love the emotional intimacy. I just don't love the other stuff.

I went away for a couple of weeks with a group of men and women. I wanted to be with the women. I didn't relate to the men. There's something in the women, the love, the emotional intimacy, the connectedness, the nurture. There's something in womanhood that resonates with me.

The Transgender thoughts... I know I've prayed from time to time that I could wake up as a woman... I've imagined myself as a woman - theres a term - autogynephilia - that may partly fit. But there are times like now, i really wish I couldn't feel my penis. As I walk down the road, I imagine I have breasts and somehow feel more confident. It brings me a little comfort. I don't think that this is TOCD. But I've been wrong before.

I know that this sounds like Im on the OCD/Autism/Anxiety scale... but my brain likes dealing with absolutes. It can make plans. At the moment it feels like Im in limbo and unable to make any decisions. Because I don't know what the end goal is, Im unable to find which path to start on. There's fear of letting people down. Fear of letting myself down. Fear of making a mistake.

If I start down a path, and it takes me away from people I love and respect, but I end up finding that it was the wrong path. What then? I'll have less than what I started with. There's are decisions which are finite. I need to be sure. But life is also finite. Is it worth being unhappy in yourself just to make someone else happy?

I realise in many respects, this is like the HOCD time. I need to try some things and see how I feel and take it from there. But I just don't have the resources or the courage to try stuff. I wouldn't know where to begin. I don't know how to begin. I would say I want to explore my feminine side - more so than just dressing up in womens clothes. I simply don't know what options there are for me. So I stay in limbo.

I don't know what the next step should be.

Counselling?

Find a transgender group?
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