Very early BDSM / self-harm urges

I had a very sheltered childhood, growing up with a largely absent father and an isolated mother who consequentially became much too close to her only child/son. Some of that relationship bordered on incestuous, 'supervised' bath times going way beyond age appropriate, resulting in my first sexual arousals being in the presence of my mother.

Subsequently, I could only become aroused by tying myself up and inflicting minor pain on myself. My fantasies were about humiliation, degradation and being sexually injured by others.

Bear in mind that I hit puberty in the 1980s long before the internet was a thing, so I had no previous knowledge of BDSM and no idea why it turned me on.

My question is....where did this self harm / abuse fantasy come from? Although my relationship with my mother was inappropriate, I have no memory of her tying me up or beating me. I also have no memory of being sexually abused in childhood. Could these puberty thoughts and actions stem from early abuse which I've blanked out or been too young to remember? Or might they be related to self loathing related to my mother's behaviour? Can anyone relate or offer an explanation?

I think I can relate some.

Moderator note here- keep in mind that we no longer have a Paraphilas forum, and BDSM was a subforum of that- I think as long as we're talking about the whys, we're okay, but I do reserve the right to shut down the conversation if we find ourselves (or others try to steer it) moving into a discussion of BDSM. Unfortunately that's something that's out of my control, there are reasons we no longer allow Paraphilia discussions.

From members in the Sexual Abuse forum, and from my own experiences, I'm going to guess what you're describing isn't very uncommon. One explanation I've heard is things like this are a way of taking control over sexual abuse pasts. Doing it on 'your' terms, I suppose. I don't know if that's a deeper aspect to what I'm about to say next, or not- that in my case, I think my grooming turned me on to the idea of being passive, and not in control of sexual activity. After my grooming (which wasn't completed but it still left an indelible mark on me and my sexuality) I found myself very interested in the same things you write of. And while you're not quite calling the bath times with your mom sexual abuse, still, it was sexual, and it was during childhood, and it was something not quite under your control. I think these kind of things turn us in the direction you speak of, I know I have the same sort of fantasies you describe. Some of my fantasies quite extreme as far as being sexually injured- certainly nothing I would have wanted to actually go through, in real life you'd think 'that's horrifying', because it would be. So yeah you're definitely not alone in this.

I really don't think you (or I) who experienced what's on the surface 'light' sexual grooming/awkward situations with grownups, are technically any different from the rape survivors I've spoken with who admit to fantasizing about being raped again. To me, it's a matter of degree, that's all. Some of us are just more bent in that sort of direction even with less of a 'push' that way than others who experienced more overt forms of sexual abuse or at the very least, inappropriate sexual situations as children.

Also let's face it- some of us just like that kind of thing- sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. Or as Freud is said to have said- sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. In the end, we could pick something like this to death and never know for sure, I suppose. Sometimes I idly think it'd be interesting to go to therapy and find out exactly what makes me tick, but then I think well I'm so old now what would I do with the information, doesn't seem to be much of a point at this late stage for me.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

First of all, regarding your disclaimer, I have no interest in discussing BDSM as such. I will only mention that I have had several light BDSM experiences in adulthood, at my own instigation, with female partners and friends who acted as authority figures for the purposes of the scenarios. They reported that they enjoyed the 'empowerment' and in most cases wanted to repeat the encounters long after I had personally become bored with them.

I found these encounters exciting the first two or three times, as they were with a 'new' person but once the relative danger and novelty had worn off, I became bored and wanted to repeat them with someone else. None of the scenarios involved a mother figure specifically but it was clear (to me at least) that they were inspired by my mother's early influence - the dominance and nudity in particular. There was also physical restraints, sensory deprivation and light pain involved.

I hope that the above doesn't break any forum rules - if so, I apologize and am happy to have the paragraphs removed.

''things like this are a way of taking control over sexual abuse pasts.''

I found this suggestion significant. My mother was highly dominant in every area of my pre-teen life and I had little or no control over anything. I also find that large swathes of my pre-teen childhood are completely blank. I simply can't remember them, suggesting perhaps that I've blanked out specific traumatic incidents, something which I still do today. It's I guess a kind of defense mechanism.

So the self abuse may have initially been an attempt to control my own sexual arousal at a time when I had no contact with anyone else (I was 22 before I had my first girlfriend). That passivity and self reliance continues to this day, unfortunately meaning that my 'relationships' have all really just been close friendships as I have no interest in actual sex or regular sexual contact.

I do get your point regarding age (I'm now over 50) but due to specific life circumstances, including a new partner, I've been on a kind of journey of self discovery recently and while I've found some answers, the sexual ones continue to be elusive.

Any similar past experiences and what may have worked regarding 'fixing' them are very welcome.