virginity

Hi there,

I am no native english speaker and I hope you don't mind any mistakes also pardon me if I am in the wrong topic.

I don't even know how to begin with, but I am 30 year old virgin, sadly not by choice. Aged 12 I began to masturbate, I am not a fan of porn, started doing this nearly EVERY day (13 years long) and it never occurred me how time flew by. With 14 I was aware of my mortality but it flew over my head. In school I was bullied because of my attractive looks, I guess but I wasn't well groomed, I had severe self-esteem issues and I had rarely to do with girls. Once one of my classmates attempted to M***** me by throwing me out of the window from the 7th floor, but something held him away from doing it, as i watched him in the eyes. I felt unsafe and I didn't want to go to school afterwards. 4 years later I met him on the streets and had small conversation with him, about our career paths and shortly later I received a message in facebook that he killed himself by abusing heavy drugs. Also at the same lifespan I found out when my parents wanted to sleep together and I hated listen to it, so I tried to disturb them knocking on the door or sleeping with them. I kind of imitated a child already. A year later I saw how my father was masturbating, while I was urinating (we had an pretty open household) and I felt like got into a shock or a deep headache. I remember I couldn't sleep that night and he was a dead man to me since then. Every now and then he touched me inappropriately. But I still lived in the house and withstand his ugly looks. My youth went by by watching porn and playing computer games.

So I am already 4 years in with my "masturbation" addiction and when I was 18 started drinking too it to, to keep the arousal longer. My parents knew about that stuff, but they have narcisstic traits, and then I wanted to move out early but started drinking and forgot about moving out and to take care for myself. My parents forced me things to do which I didn't want, like doing my driver license, so I followed and did all the crap they wanted. My brain told me about my limitation again and that my time on earth is just temporarily (Jordan Peterson describes it as maturity I guess) but again it went over my head I wasn't fairly aware of it. I started studying and moved out with 24. My parents kept calling me oftenly to visit them and let me embarrass myself in front of my cousins, uncles and gradparents, when they asked me if I have a girlfriend or not... I bought a sex puppet and I continued to have fun with it til I was 26. In all the time I never tried to approach women. I got even invited to go to clubs by some ladies (I am by no means unattractive) but I always had anxiety issues. I lived in kind of bubble where me and my parents would live forever... So I have socially isolated my whole life. 1 year ago, I guess I had something like a mental breakdown, it cracked and everything felt unreal to me. My being was meaningless, and I feel very empty inside. And realizing now what fragile creatures we are and that life is a rush, certainly I am already dead and I am all over the place. I have an idea designing clothing, but I don't know if that will fulfill me. I also like to take photographs on my own and I would love to show the world what beauty exists. I have psychiatrist but I repeat my problems over and over I don't feel like it is working.....and it still feels like life is kind of over. I know the average lifespan is 80 but who know if i'll reach that, because I have been so much isolated so I keep worrying and seeing my skin getting uglier and uglier sucks....and having also a tendency being hyperaggressive towards my parents.

Thanks for any tips in advance!

Hi there,

thank you!
not concretely or not that I know.
My psychiatrist says I have to work a 9 to 5 job or study something, start socilizing, and do sports, eat healthy and stuff like that...
I have very low selfworth and social anxiety which is now far better, but I still feel uncomfortable speaking to some people. Also I don't recognize people taking advantage of me or want to hurt me emotinally. I oftenly tolerate that, if people call me retard or something like that...even though my starts boiling afterwards....Maybe it is some kind of a borderline personality disorder but I don't know...he psychiatrist doesn't believe in things like that.
I quit drinking for 2 years now that's for sure... hehe