Feel so ashamed and embarrassed in my looks

Hey all,

I'm mostly looking for any advice or even to see if anyone else has ever gone through anything like this. My (non-existent) sex life has reached a very strange state.

I have pretty bad body image issues and can hardly stand to look at myself some days. On those days, I feel like total crap, can't help but see how unappealing I look to other people. I have a very particular body part that I hate on myself.

This all mostly started about one/two year(s) ago. In a fit of self-hatred/victimization (?), I've stopped being able to masturbate normally. I feel very embarrassed to do so.

In my mind's eye, I can picture how awkward and weird I must look during sex and it completely ruins any fantasy I could possibly get going. I'm struggling because I know that what gets me off is the idea of someone liking my body. But I feel so ashamed and guilty for having this fantasy, because I don't see how anyone could ever actually be turned on by my body.

Instead, I'll just picture myself right next to a stunning girl, who has the perfect body part that I don't have. And then I'll get off to how ashamed and ugly I feel compared to her. I always feel horrid afterwards and I cry everytime, it makes me feel really distraught. I just don't know how to get out of this mental loop anymore. It's gotten to the point where I feel so alienated and un-feminine now, I don't even see myself as a whole person sometimes because I could never be feminine and sexy enough.

I'm 20, I'm young, I wish I was attractive enough to have a normal sex life. But I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of what I look like.

Any thoughts are appreciated, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hello and welcome!

mrsrando55 wrote:In my mind's eye, I can picture how awkward and weird I must look during sex

I would imagine it's only in movies and studio porn that sex in general doesn't look awkward, don't you?

mrsrando55 wrote:Instead, I'll just picture myself right next to a stunning girl, who has the perfect body part that I don't have.

'perfect' is rather subjective, isn't it? Different strokes, for different folks.

So if I've understood you correctly, you seem to have somewhat fetishised your negative self-image as part of masturbation? Using that word loosely, as Fetish as a subject is no longer allowed in PF, but I think for the sake of vocabulary that's the best term for what I think you're describing.

Not sure what body part, or what's supposed to be so imperfect about it, but it's been my experience that even if I accept your word that it's very imperfect, someone somewhere is going to find it sexually stimulating. If it's to do with the Human body, someone, somewhere is gonna be into that.

Note I said, 'accept your word'. I'm not sure I do. If you're suffering from body dysmorphia, it's going to cloud your judgement. Have you perused that forum any? We do have one.

body-dysmorphic-disorder/

We don't allow identical topics in multiple forums, bur you might find it enlightening to post to the body dysmorphia forum, leaving the masturbation and sexual fantasy part of out it and focus on what you are having problems with re: your opinion of your body. And we can continue talking about the effect it has on your sex life here.

I have in the past had bad self-image, and yet I found that others did not make out of it the same thing I did. When a person gets to concentrating on an unliked aspect of their body it sure can turn into a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. That isn't always obvious to an outside observer.

Thanks for the reply,

It was my understanding that a fetish is about something that is necessary for someone to get off. I can get off normally as well, I just feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe my understanding is wrong, I'll try not to focus on that then, seeing as it is a banned subject!

I did consider posting in the body dysmorphic forums, but I feel like my main problem centers around my sex life. Although my body image is a factor for it, my strongest feelings are about how guilty and ashamed I feel. I was also not certain if just having body image issues is enough to post in a body dysmorphia forum. But thank you for the suggestion, I will consider posting there!

As for my sex life... Well there's not much to it I'm too terrified of getting naked in front of anyone because I'm scared I'll turn them off.

If it's to do with the Human body, someone, somewhere is gonna be into that.

I wish I could take your word for it, but I've tried to approach this in a rational way and I can't really see it. I've tried looking up my body type in porn, with no luck. I've also used a website that posts normal/natural photos of my specific insecurity, but even after maybe hundreds of photos, I haven't found a person that looks like me.

It makes me feel very lonely, like I'm stuck being weird and unsexy. I've considered plastic surgery, but don't have the finances for it. I feel like I don't deserve to have sex/masturbate at all, because I feel so unappealing. That's mostly why I feel so ashamed. I've even researched how to lower my libido, because being horny can be distressing. I've considered birth control because of this.

I have in the past had bad self-image, and yet I found that others did not make out of it the same thing I did. When a person gets to concentrating on an unliked aspect of their body it sure can turn into a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. That isn't always obvious to an outside observer.

I really appreciated the way you worded this part, I related to it a lot. It often feels like an insurmountable obstacle. What did you do to get over it?

First off, don't worry about the 'fetish' aspect. I meant that more as a technical term, and this post isn't anywhere close to having a paraphilia as the main topic. My explanation was more to the general readership lest someone else take it as carte blanche to post about fetish fetishes

Well... just because you haven't found porn, doesn't mean someone won't like... whatever this difference is. I just think you'd be mighty surprised. Straying into real Fetish, have you considered perusing something like Fetlife for the subject of this oddity you say you have? Now, I'm not sure what all kinds of things you can find on Fetlife- I don't use the site myself as it seems more like a way for folks to connect, and I'm connected so that kinda thing is sort of off the table for me.

Just... even if you were provably 'different' in a more than your perception sense, chances are there are folks that would either not care or actually like it.

I'll also argue.... that sex in and of itself is... overrated? Well, I mean, to me sex isn't worth being with people that will be turned off by seeing you naked- because that implies they're not interested in anything but sex anyway. Or at least, not sufficiently into You, for its own sake. Perhaps I'm not in a good position to speak- I had sex with my partner pretty early into dating. But it's lasted a long time- I don't think I would have shied away at any perceived oddity upon being naked. I was dating her- not their body. For the record, I'm male. I wasn't dating to fit some particular 'type', I was dating to find a companion.

mrsrando55 wrote: What did you do to get over it?

I stopped caring what a potential date thought of my looks. Not caring can be very freeing. Before I stopped caring about my appearance- other than of course being presentable- I didn't date. I was very shy. I was a recluse. I was convinced I wasn't attractive to the opposite sex. Well, I got over it because one day I just decided to get over it. Nothing magical, I just decided to stop obsessing over it. I was tired of being hung up over it and if I got rejected, well I decided I'd just get rejected and I decided I was okay with that.