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Dealing with a long time of avoidance.

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Dealing with a long time of avoidance.

Postby TriggerTheStomatopod » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:01 pm

Yeah I'm going post here about something.

Something that I think I might regret really...

I've had like this fear of the dentist. But then not teeth, but sexually.
I am a male. And I ran into like... certain potential problems (not potency, using "potential" here)... I was afraid I had to get a circumcision in the end. And I didn't like that idea at all.

On the other side though, there was this other fear. I don't know if this is... like too specific. But there's this condition where if you've got a too narrow foreskin, it can get stuck. And then it can really force itsself trapped... is what it seemed to be about. Apparently in english it's called paraphimosis. And I was really scared of getting that. Because it really seemed to be quite... yeah just not something you want to have. I believe I read about something about it that they have to make an incision in that case. And cut it free basically. And that was a no go for me as well.

Actually, I now searched for it again. I was basing this on very limited information?? Just needed to search it up for the english term and then just reread it because yeah... wondered what they had to say about it. Gosh... I let it affect me so much... and didn't even have... yeah was basing it on this very little information I had read about it. I was just scared basically.

So... there's a number of... possibilities... We were raised with this taboo that sex is like the most evil kind of thing imaginable on this planet. That is what it felt like? Like it was the worst. But my parents were already divorced from a very early age.

So when my dad was supposed to give me "the talk" I left! I was like are you serious? Are you seriously bringing this up? So...

Then when I made like the switch from elementary to high school, this girls thing started. And I was pretty popular actually? I don't know... if I had already become concious of this problem with like circumcision or incision at some point, because I believe I learned about that later on. But from the very first moments that I was starting to get interest from girls... I could like really like a specific girl, and then if she wanted... damn there's a word for that in our language, like a childrens relationship basically... not as serious, if she asked for that, I would say no! I was surprised the first time it happened. And then I never had the guts to tell her I did want to. And so that was a full year then that got past anyway. But I had this for a number of times. With a couple of girls.

Until. Yeah there was one exception. It was a friend of my sister that walked in. And apparently she really liked me from the very first moment and she had asked me my messaging-ID I guess which was popular at that time. And yeah I could basically ask her this kids-relationship thing because I already knew. I just wanted to know what it was like, not even really liking her that much. I dunno. But we didn't have sex either... it was close. But it didn't happen. Also because we tried once and it was problematic. You have to be able to pull your foreskin back for wearing a condom. And I had gotten to a point just by stretching and trying to get this to somewhat work that I could pull it back... but I was affraid like if I got really aroused then this locking thing would happen. And the condom itsself was
too narrow as well. It kind of hurt.

So... but yeah it could have been fixed maybe... having had a first girlfriend. But it didn't. It happened several times after as well. Like factually? And a couple of more situations where it seemed like it could go that direction and it didn't. I even think at some point people were questioning if I was straight or not. And actually I would ignore them immediately, if it had gotten at that point where they would ask for like start dating really and making this commitment. Not giving a response at all. Like wanting to avoid it.

But really? I regret it. If I didn't have that problem I could have already had some pretty amazing experiences probably. These were really good looking girls IMO... I dunno... that's something that has started to bug me more and more recently really. Like I have missed out on so much stuff already and yeah...

So basically the point is. Well it really got me into trouble at some point. Really getting psychiatric. But now I have finally had contact with a doctor about this, and it's known now at least. There's a couple of more reasons that could have contributed to me sort of avoiding it like that. But this is one of the potential causes. And so I've now actually started working on this one. So at least this one will disappear soon. And I think that's like the main suspect? I think it got really be dealt with once I've got this problem sorted.

So yeah but I have this feeling like I missed out. I compare a lot with nature as well when I think certain things are tough. But like as far as this is concerned? People my age start having kids... and I haven't even had like sex at all yet. I don't know.

I really feel...

I have read about this once. Men at some point in their lives can regret not having had sex with enough girls. And the opposite for girls, that they can start to regret having had sex with too many men.

Apart from the actual psychiatric things it caused as well... yeah... I might also explain that at some point. I feel like... I could at some point start regretting this. If I can't catch up.

And even??! I've made this topic in anger management forums.

I was considering going to jail and making a trade for that... and I was kind of like wow you're going to throw away things you haven't even been able to appreciate yet!?

Yeah that felt kind of... well anyway it's a good thing to become concious of before making a big mistake obviously but yeah.

Yeah that's pretty much it.
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