Dealing with a long time of avoidance.

Yeah I'm going post here about something.

Something that I think I might regret really...

I've had like this fear of the dentist. But then not teeth, but sexually.
I am a male. And I ran into like... certain potential problems (not potency, using "potential" here)... I was afraid I had to get a circumcision in the end. And I didn't like that idea at all.

On the other side though, there was this other fear. I don't know if this is... like too specific. But there's this condition where if you've got a too narrow foreskin, it can get stuck. And then it can really force itsself trapped... is what it seemed to be about. Apparently in english it's called paraphimosis. And I was really scared of getting that. Because it really seemed to be quite... yeah just not something you want to have. I believe I read about something about it that they have to make an incision in that case. And cut it free basically. And that was a no go for me as well.

Actually, I now searched for it again. I was basing this on very limited information?? Just needed to search it up for the english term and then just reread it because yeah... wondered what they had to say about it. Gosh... I let it affect me so much... and didn't even have... yeah was basing it on this very little information I had read about it. I was just scared basically.

So... there's a number of... possibilities... We were raised with this taboo that sex is like the most evil kind of thing imaginable on this planet. That is what it felt like? Like it was the worst. But my parents were already divorced from a very early age.

So when my dad was supposed to give me "the talk" I left! I was like are you serious? Are you seriously bringing this up? So...

Then when I made like the switch from elementary to high school, this girls thing started. And I was pretty popular actually? I don't know... if I had already become concious of this problem with like circumcision or incision at some point, because I believe I learned about that later on. But from the very first moments that I was starting to get interest from girls... I could like really like a specific girl, and then if she wanted... damn there's a word for that in our language, like a childrens relationship basically... not as serious, if she asked for that, I would say no! I was surprised the first time it happened. And then I never had the guts to tell her I did want to. And so that was a full year then that got past anyway. But I had this for a number of times. With a couple of girls.

Until. Yeah there was one exception. It was a friend of my sister that walked in. And apparently she really liked me from the very first moment and she had asked me my messaging-ID I guess which was popular at that time. And yeah I could basically ask her this kids-relationship thing because I already knew. I just wanted to know what it was like, not even really liking her that much. I dunno. But we didn't have sex either... it was close. But it didn't happen. Also because we tried once and it was problematic. You have to be able to pull your foreskin back for wearing a condom. And I had gotten to a point just by stretching and trying to get this to somewhat work that I could pull it back... but I was affraid like if I got really aroused then this locking thing would happen. And the condom itsself was
too narrow as well. It kind of hurt.

So... but yeah it could have been fixed maybe... having had a first girlfriend. But it didn't. It happened several times after as well. Like factually? And a couple of more situations where it seemed like it could go that direction and it didn't. I even think at some point people were questioning if I was straight or not. And actually I would ignore them immediately, if it had gotten at that point where they would ask for like start dating really and making this commitment. Not giving a response at all. Like wanting to avoid it.

But really? I regret it. If I didn't have that problem I could have already had some pretty amazing experiences probably. These were really good looking girls IMO... I dunno... that's something that has started to bug me more and more recently really. Like I have missed out on so much stuff already and yeah...

So basically the point is. Well it really got me into trouble at some point. Really getting psychiatric. But now I have finally had contact with a doctor about this, and it's known now at least. There's a couple of more reasons that could have contributed to me sort of avoiding it like that. But this is one of the potential causes. And so I've now actually started working on this one. So at least this one will disappear soon. And I think that's like the main suspect? I think it got really be dealt with once I've got this problem sorted.

So yeah but I have this feeling like I missed out. I compare a lot with nature as well when I think certain things are tough. But like as far as this is concerned? People my age start having kids... and I haven't even had like sex at all yet. I don't know.

I really feel...

I have read about this once. Men at some point in their lives can regret not having had sex with enough girls. And the opposite for girls, that they can start to regret having had sex with too many men.

Apart from the actual psychiatric things it caused as well... yeah... I might also explain that at some point. I feel like... I could at some point start regretting this. If I can't catch up.

And even??! I've made this topic in anger management forums.

I was considering going to jail and making a trade for that... and I was kind of like wow you're going to throw away things you haven't even been able to appreciate yet!?

Yeah that felt kind of... well anyway it's a good thing to become concious of before making a big mistake obviously but yeah.

Yeah that's pretty much it.

Hmm yea it does sound like a culmination, or confluence almost, of things. It does sound like you should have the condition resolved. You may need a circumcision? I’m pretty sure, while roughly barbaric for babies, in older people they put you to sleep and you wake up fixed. When it comes time for intimacy the last thing you want is to be fiddling with a condom for too long or your foreskin. This said you also seem to be giving all this a lot more thought than is required. This is the thing, when you are being intimate with someone else you want your mind only on the other person - if you’re spending calories about all this over thinking of it then you should work toward a goal of some kind to delete this attachment to these ideas going on. Buddhists work at this type of freeing of attachment to ideas, emotions etc all the time and it can sound hard but it’s really probably a similar exercise that they employ. Freeing this up gives you the ability to be present after you medically take of what needs happen down there ... I think you seem like you’re on a good path you just need to clear out the muck and realize that you can have a green field for new thoughts and it’s right in front of you - embrace.

Thanks.

Well... I've done some more stuff... uhm...

The doctor reassured me that probably nothing really bad was going to happen if I were to allow it a little bit or something.

But uhm... I've been postponing this for so long. So...

Well.

I've tried to take one more step.

Because, there's a lot going on right now. Uhm yeah... I can really get confronted really easily by all kinds of things about my past. During psychotic episodes. So for a second I thought gosh there is just so much stuff that can go wrong before I even get to that phase... sort of speak...

At some point I felt like maybe it's still going to be pretty much impossible for me for a long time.

Well anyway I had several thoughts about this.

And I thought...

Gosh apparently this is difficult.

I made a "paid" appointment. Probably clear enough. With a girl. It's legal here by the way so I hope it's not a problem mentioning that. Because it felt like... the only way to be able to experiment without having to... worry about stuff but yeah.

But anyway??

For an hour that is. And I thought that's it.

The girl comes in though, and I had to make a decision before that like what girl I thought looked best through photo's online. And she was a totally different girl!

Well...

Usually I always describe everything. But I feel a bit more hesistant about that now... but... the girl was somebody totally different. I let her in though (in my own home it was). And yeah... she immediately told me oh okay if that's a problem I can go etc etc etc. Apologizing. But I was no alright this... yeah I'm not going to immediately point you the door.
So I tried to reassure... hér. Hoped she would relax a little. And I felt like I had to take care of her a little. And I realised, she was actually a lot prettier than... cóuld have been the case anyway. It was a surprise. But I didn't feel comfortable.
So...

The point though? We talked. That's it.

And she left after an hour.

But...

Goddamnit, excuse me for that... I haven't explained this yet anywhere... and it's already a few weeks further now. You know what happened?

I in the end booked six hours. And nothing significant happened. Actually we did try some stuff after a while...

But that has gotten me concerned.

So, she tried! Somewhat. She's not going to force herself upon me obviously!

The second appointment she tried getting close to me, sit on my lap... was sort of... yeah... And I was like... yeah and that can be the result of me having to pay for it... I was "skeptical". She sat on my lap. And I was just cold. If you know what I mean. It didn't do anything. And I didn't... uhm... At most, I tolerated her sitting on my lap. But did nothing else with it myself. I was like alright, if you "want" to sit on my lap I'm not going to throw you off... no that's maybe exaggerated. But I was a little...
This was just normal right. I mean, fully dressed... just to be clear.

The word that comes to mind is having to surrender a little bit to someone. And I didn't do that at all.

And then... we did eventually try a bit on the third appointment I believe.

But uhm...

It didn't turn me on... much... Although... factually? She did some stuff really well... but I was still "not buying it"... well actually... I definitely was "buying" it lol. Quite literally. So it's a stupid reaction to have to it. But... I couldn't get into it.

But she stopped pretty quickly as well. Maybe because it had already taken some time still to get that far... and I was already running óut of time sort of.

This stuff... became quite expensive.
And you know what I did? I booked another two hours to just tell her this is it, I'm not going to pay any more. And maybe just... I don't know. I actually felt like I needed to tell her. And close it off myself as well... so I took two. Just because I was afraid I would get really annoyed if I didn't get enough time for that either. So...

My god. You know? So little happened. Yeah maybe I shouldn't talk about that stuff here. But I didn't even see her naked. Sorry for pointing that out so explicitly. But yeah. I would have expected that by then. And I already though when booking the second appointment that "2 hours would probably be more than enough to get moving" so to speak.

And now I have put a stop to it. But with the only thing that I can take away from it... that... if this...

I'm getting worried now to be honest.

I'm not going to be that cold and... with a normal girl right? I hope not, but I don't know!

It's difficult to talk about this stuff.

But...

Now I feel like... it could be that... I have got heaps of work to do before I can even make this possible. Méntally as well! Damnit!

But I don't know for sure.

But... uhm...

I don't know.

It could get really difficult to be honest.
If this is really going to be the case.

The problem really is.. that... perhaps I really need to solve all kinds of stuff before this becomes possible, a lot more that is! That's not possible, in real life!
I can't have all kinds of hurdles to cross still when starting something with someone, right?

And I was thinking...

Omg. I will get back to this. Don't know if I can do this in one take, damnit.

Made a blog entry earlier today, and I felt really good. But this stuff... has got me thinking... still...
Maybe I'm going to mention this later on then, cause it is affecting me somewhat.

It has taken years to get this far. But the fear anyway? Is that it's going to take much more. And that's something I totally don't want to happen... damnit. I felt like I was already late and felt like I should try to make up for lost...
But that's not even... possible then.

Okay nvm as I said I'll get back on this. But it's damn hard. And yeah... not in that way... lol... difficult...
I really hope not.

-

I don't know if this belongs here. But... and especially to me... this can prove to be massively important even, to my mental wellbeing. So it's not even... unimportant... it might be more important than anything I could talk about.

When your foreskin is stuck when you redraw it, it is called priapism, not paraphimosis. I think a small surgery as day care inpatient under general anaesthesia would be the best option for you. Please, discuss all the options with your GP or a urologist. He/she can either do a Z-plasty or a total circumcision (in case of the urologist).

Anyway, don't be ashamed. As a matter of fact many adult men are struggling with it.

To conclude: a small surgery can save you a lot of stress and self-doubt. Good luck!

Thanks =)