Hypersensitivity towards women resulting in ED

Hi guys, I'm a male in my early 30's and after enjoying a sex life with partners for the first few years of my 20's, the sex now is very rare and unsatisfying and my ED has become more prevalent with time.

The main factor towards this is a heightened sensitivity to female attitudes towards sex. Their indifference, their mild desire and often their afflicted position towards sexuality in society and media. I'm a HSP and a female empath and so despite my overwhelming sexual desire, I'm constantly questioning and focusing on the sexual desire of my partners in romantic encounters and wondering how much they actually want it as opposed to solely doing it to placate me or develop the relationship.

I have watched women in abusive relationships and also heard about victims of rape and felt deep sorrow and compassion for them and often that's what I see when I'm with physical situations with women. Sexual victims. Especially considering generally we overpower them physically and with libido.

It's this hypersensitivity and perhaps paranoia which has lead to a complete breakdown in sexual performance and pleasure in intercourse. I have a feeling of guilt afterwards which counteracts any pleasure and feel like I've cornered the girl into it when there's no evidence to suggest that. I feel like I'm doomed to only properly enjoy sexual activity in masturbation, which I do daily as my only outlet. I feel sex is a dirty thing that we enjoy and women compromise to half the time, just to appease their partner and solidify a relationship. That compromising or perceived compromising from me completely exacerbates my ED. When you throw into the mix that I suffer from depression periodically, you have the perfect recipe for ED.

It's as if I need a woman to grab me, glare at me and demand sex from me to wake up and achieve an erection and that just is not normal. I feel like I'm doomed to not secure a happy sexual relationship with a partner and I'll be stuck in this purgatory.

Any insight from anybody is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Hey jenzerbru,

jenzerbru wrote:...I'm a HSP and a female empath and so despite my overwhelming sexual desire, I'm constantly questioning and focusing on the sexual desire of my partners in romantic encounters and wondering how much they actually want it as opposed to solely doing it to placate me or develop the relationship.

...

So I want to reply kindly, but also bluntly to a degree.

I think being an HSP, and empathic (in general) are both potentially very potentially valuable traits. What I find concerning though is you seem to have put your own needs/wants second to females. Why? Everything comes down to this question. Why do their feelings, needs, wants, matter more then your own? I want to throw out an analogy I have used before ...

Two people, same accident, same injury. One person handles it stoically. One person cries loudly. It doesn't mean the former feels it any less. It just means they've learned they need to be quieter about their feelings. It also doesn't mean the later feels it more, it just means they've learned being louder about their feelings affects other more.

What happens if you start putting yourself equal, or even a bit more important on the mental scale?

xdude wrote:Hey jenzerbru,

jenzerbru wrote:...I'm a HSP and a female empath and so despite my overwhelming sexual desire, I'm constantly questioning and focusing on the sexual desire of my partners in romantic encounters and wondering how much they actually want it as opposed to solely doing it to placate me or develop the relationship.

...

So I want to reply kindly, but also bluntly to a degree.

I think being an HSP, and empathic (in general) are both potentially very potentially valuable traits. What I find concerning though is you seem to have put your own needs/wants second to females. Why? Everything comes down to this question. Why do their feelings, needs, wants, matter more then your own? I want to throw out an analogy I have used before ...

Two people, same accident, same injury. One person handles it stoically. One person cries loudly. It doesn't mean the former feels it any less. It just means they've learned they need to be quieter about their feelings. It also doesn't mean the later feels it more, it just means they've learned being louder about their feelings affects other more.

What happens if you start putting yourself equal, or even a bit more important on the mental scale?

Thanks for the reply xdude, great point...

I think what bothers me the most is the fact there generally is a gulf in sexual desire during sexual interaction which doesn't sit right with me and I can't happily accept. Also in the feminist attitudes towards men and sex. I'm viewing my wants and desires secondary to my partner's because I basically view Sex as a dirty deal. Almost as if I'm scoring street drugs from a drug dealer. You need it but you wish you didn't and you're ashamed of it.

I think my mother has played a big part in the complex I have as I was always close to her, identified with her as we were very close in personality and she was a covert feminist who really doesn't think a lot of men in general. Then you throw in the societal views from women where they roll their eyes at men and their libidos as if they're pathetic dogs. It all just rules me and I'm always trying to be the sanctuary from that man they're all disgusted at. The perfect gentleman who has a very tight lid on his urges to the point for me to be able to consumate my desires I need the woman to instigate it and when she does I'm fighting off urges to ask her every minute "is that ok?" "what would you like me to do?" "how long for?" to not look like a freak.

It's just really warped and distressing and I really have no clue how I'm supposed to resolve this...

Wow. This is.. an interesting conversation.

I was the one who first approved your post, by the way- then I glommed Xdude onto it.

Dissing men is the 'in' thing. We hear all the time how men are bad.

But we didn't survive as a species, by only one side having urges. And even if ciswomen think substantially differently than men, it's been my observation there are plenty of girls out there who have more sex drive than I do (and I have a Y-chromosome).

Snaga wrote:Wow. This is.. an interesting conversation.

I was the one who first approved your post, by the way- then I glommed Xdude onto it.

Dissing men is the 'in' thing. We hear all the time how men are bad.

But we didn't survive as a species, by only one side having urges. And even if ciswomen think substantially differently than men, it's been my observation there are plenty of girls out there who have more sex drive than I do (and I have a Y-chromosome).

Thank you for your approval and feedback.

...and as much as I know that women have libido and a minority have more than men, it's generally encouraged for those women to not profess they declare it because of fear of being a "slut". Whereas men get the opposite treatment in their circles and are hailed as a "stud".

It's this stark contrast between the sexes that creates a glass ceiling in my sexual psyche that I can't smash through. It's also not a societal void, the facts are women generally do have markedly less sex drive. I can't stop viewing women as physical slaves to us because of this and when it comes to sex, ragdolls which are dragged around.

I basically don't want to feel like I'm overpowering a woman with myself or urges and I can't stop viewing women as sensitive, emotionally complex, less willing, overpowered victims during sex which results in my ED. I really have no clue how I'm supposed to change my outlook.