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Bed death

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Bed death

Postby blueskies208 » Fri May 31, 2019 7:04 am

I'm a AFAB nonbinary person in their mid-twenties, currently in a relationship with a woman. We haven't had sex in months. I honestly don't have an overwhelming interest in sex. I masturbate, but it's really impersonal and not this *magical* experience a lot of people describe when talking about exploring their own bodies. I try really hard to initiate sex with her but I just don't know how.

I should preface this by adding that I have experienced sexual abuse/trauma in my teenage years, all within a 5-year relationship (my first relationship) with a man. Which I only really realized was abuse once the #metoo movement sprouted and I actually was educated on consent. Before that, I thought that's how hetero relationships were.

Anyways, I'm not sure how to talk to my partner about it. She doesn't seem to be able to mentally connect the emotions tied to my trauma and my lack of interest/knowledge in sex. She thinks I'm uninterested in her sexually, that I'm not attracted to her if I'm not all over her. I tried to explain that my only other relationship was a sexually abusive one (where I was never given the option to initiate sex or give my consent) and that I'm basically inept when it comes to initiating any sort of sexual contact.

When I try to kiss her neck, she tells me to stop, so I immediately do. I never want to even maybe violate her consent, since mine was disregarded for so much of my life. But then she tells me I don't ever initiate sex...I don't know how!
If anyone has any sort of advice on how to actually initiate sex when I'm a mid-twenties queer with no clue, please tell me, because apparently my partner doesn't want to help me.

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Re: Bed death

Postby Lyla12 » Tue Jun 18, 2019 5:46 pm

I am sorry to hear about your struggles and wish I could help more. I just wanna say I know how it is to lack sexual desire and have no idea how to initiate it. I avoid sex altogether. I too have had terrible experiences with intimacy including a neighbor who molested me when I was 7-8 years old. I can also relate to masturbation being impersonal. Have you thought about couples therapy? However that is something she obviously needs to be a willing participant. Sorry I can’t offer better advice.
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