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Can a Sexually Used Up Person Ever Be Relationship Material?

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Can a Sexually Used Up Person Ever Be Relationship Material?

Postby Akhu999 » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:38 am

I don't usually like being this transparent, but it's really the only way I can express this.

I was raised very conservatively and out of the several kids my parents had, though not the youngest, I was considered the goodie-two-shoes. And I really did feel like "the good one" most of the time. I even remember the first time I cursed, as a kid, and how grimey I felt afterward. But we know that life gets a lot more complex as we get older, so it's hard for me to pin-point exactly where things started to change, but at some point, I stopped feeling like I was good. But it's strange because although I knew I was a favored child, I also felt like the ugly duckling, for the most part, but maybe that was what kept me humble...to a degree.

I kind of envied one of my brothers who was such a rebel but so confident and got a lot of attention. I was more shy and introverted. So, when I would do something I knew or felt was wrong, I would sit in the guilt instead of reconciling it. So, I had this growing shame inside, but didn't have much of an outlet for it. I guess shame and guilt has a revolving door, because it seemed that nothing I did or didn't do could shake this inner feeling of being defective or damaged, and so, sometimes I tried to overcompensate with hyper-righteousness, if that's a word...so, you could say I was living a double life and, sometimes, I came across as snobbish, arrogant, and unlikable. It did help me in one sense because there were certain things I just wouldn't do because I felt I was above it. But I was very lonely.

One thing I was, however, was a hopeless romantic, and as a teenager going into adulthood, I used to fantasize, often, about finding that ideal love. I would get the butterflies, the jitters, and the fluttering warm feelings just thinking about it. I always envisioned having an old fashioned relationship with that love that people had read about in stories. Yet, I stayed single, probably because I had very low self worth which pervaded every area of my life. Because I was a perfectionist but failed academically, I gradually spiraled more and more into self doubt and self sabotage, to the point where I was a 35 y/o man still living at home with my mother, with no driver's license, automobile, or assets.

I finally did move out, earlier this year, because I just happened to get lucky enough to find a family who would rent out their shed for an affordable enough price. On one hand, my moving out was a victory in independence, a day I never really thought would happen, but on the other hand, I'm finally left with myself and have been experienced a rapid decline of the morals, self respect, dignity, and innocence/purity that I had left by being even more promoscuous than I've been in the past, almost trying to make up for lost times. Although I enjoy these experiences (the reason why I have them), in the moment, I'm fully aware of what I'm losing with each encounter...myself. I didn't realize that I had a true identity until this time of living on my own, and I also didn't fully realize how much of my identity that I had lost over the years. But, at this point, it's been turned up; it's like my self deprecation and self destruction is on auto-pilot, and I want to stop it but can't, as I feel like my overall value has dimished to such a degree. There's such a feeling of hopelessness that I have, and I really feel like an empty shell of a person...a zombie.

I used to dread going home, often times, when I lived back at home, I felt like I wasn't doing anything with my life or growing as a man, or that I even had control over my own life, which was embarrassing and depressing. I thought that would stop once I was living in my own space, but it didn't. Now, I dread going back to my own place almost every day. But I know there's no one to blame for it because I know that this is because of my own choices.

I finally met this man who I consider "Prince Charming". But every relationship I've ALMOST had ended before I got a chance to experience a deep intimacy with the person. As soon as it got serious, the person would alwaysturn on me or ghost on me, leaving me to feel deep betrayal and abandonment. Every time this happened, I felt a tremendous loss of a part of myself, probably because I was so open with these individuals. I always put my heart and soul into it because I went into it thinking long-term, and when they left, I was in shock like the carpet was snatched from under me. But I've always imagined that the person saw something wrong with me and was turned off. This gave me a deep sense of embarrassment/shame. Each time this happened, I promised never to open myself up to another person again, but of course I would always end up falling in love again. But the thing is, now, there isn't really much of anything left of me to open up. I find it very hard, if not impossible, to even feel love.

That's why this new man causes me a lot of anxiety and torment, because he's perfect, to me, and although it hasn't gone into the relationship stage, that's what I want with him, but I'm conflicted because it seems that although I've finally learned my lesson about opening up too soon, I feel like damaged goods and don't see how I could ever be good enough for this man, no matter what I do. I haven't gone into the details of this connection but it has all the makings of everything I used to dream about, but now, I'm not ready for it and don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm crazy about the guy but I'm afraid of not being able to truly love him or that even if I did, he wouldn't be able to love me because I don't have anything to offer. How can he love me if I don't love myself and how can I ever love myself again? So, It's like I'm standing on the outside of my own life only as a spectator looking in and missing out on what I could've had had I not been reckless with my sexuality and my heart.

So, my question is, with what you've just read about my situation, do you think it's possible for me to get back to where I was and ever be worthy of a committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship? Do some people go too far where they can never get back to themselves?
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Re: Can a Sexually Used Up Person Ever Be Relationship Material?

Postby Snaga » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:37 pm

I've known very promiscuous people who, upon finding the right one, had no problems having a long lasting relationship and setting their past aside. I think you're too hard on yourself. Why should you not be 'worthy'? Just because you've been around the block a buncha times?
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Re: Can a Sexually Used Up Person Ever Be Relationship Material?

Postby maree12 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 1:00 am

I too think you are being too hard on yourself. I, too, was promiscuous in my late teens early twenties because I had no self esteem, and could not get a boy (although I really just wanted a man), and, to be honest when I finally met THE one, he was really interested in my past. We had a few laughs about it. I always feel that I learnt a lot through those sad relationships, so that I was finally mature and interesting enough to attract the sort of man that I wanted.
I did resolve the low self esteem before I met him, and that was only through life experience and finding a couple of jobs that boosted my ego, and that is something you may have to do. For about 10 years I lived by myself and I was happy with that, I wanted a boyfriend, but I was not desperately unhappy because I did not have one, my life was too full and busy for me to be worried about it, and that was what made me attractive to the right person, regardless that I had a past.
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