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how does this work?

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how does this work?

Postby notsaying » Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:14 pm

preamble. I'm 60odd, my partner is late 40s, we've been together 15 years and have children 12 & 9. Things are ok between us. I have my pecularities and weaknesses but today is about my partner.

She was sexually assaulted by gransfather when a child (teen?), I think repeatedly, I don't know more than that.
She has mentioned a number of times that someone wanked into her hair on the way to school once
She has also been traumatised by being the first on the scene at a murder (and worried that the killer was still there) and later by a robbery when they smashed the house door down when she was upstairs.
So she is very big on locking doors and tends to have all the lights on when alone in the house, but gets by, works hard and well, is funny, is healthy and fit, looks after all of us.

But sex - this I can't understand. She's hardly ever into it. When we do have sex (and it's virtually always me instigating things and she goes along with it to the minimum, turns her back and doesn't really move. It's on the edge of consensual, doing her conjugal duty and no more. Practically never face to face, not really kissing, never tongues (I suspect grandad forced fellatio).
In all this time I can only remember two occasions (apart from when we were set on making babies). The first was when she went to see a physio and he made her sit on his upturned hand (supposedly for determining her balance or something like that), when she was insatiable for a fortnight, the second when she asked me to check out a spot on her cervix so we bought and used a speculum, and again she is all of a sudden gagging for it twice daily (speculum first then action)
She has never(?) orgasmed, reckons her clit is not an erogenous zone

Is there anything we (I) can do to help? To encourage? I'm quite sad not to have a keen sex partner, she's quite sad not to orgasm, not to enjoy it more. And what's behind these two bouts of enthusiasm, can we use that?

Think that's it. Thanks
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Re: how does this work?

Postby secretman » Mon Mar 26, 2018 2:59 pm

I'm no expert but some of your post does remind me of a personal experience, well partly at least.

Maybe her suffering abuse previously has gradually conditioned her not to enjoy straight sex any more. It could have gradually desensitised her. Along with her other bad experiences it could be possible. But I don't know if her reluctance has been long term or more recent. I'm going to assume that you've had a good sex life with your wife until recently and her loss of libido is recent.

I wonder if she has not really lost her libido but can be aroused by more unusual situations such as the visit to the therapist where she sat on his hand. Perhaps he triggered a sensual reaction which created a fantasy that she relived for a while. The speculum event was again something different to normal sexual activity. Perhaps she can associate with something out of the ordinary.

Sometime ago I spent time with a woman who couldn't have and orgasm purely by penetration. I realised this when she continually rubbed her clitoris when I penetrated here. She also preferred oral sex. Luckily I realised that my foreplay had to be modified and it worked out ok for both of us. She had other hangups which I wont list here.

Maybe two things could help. One would be to tell her about your concerns and ask what she likes to do. Secondly perhaps try a different approach to lovemaking.

I hope this helps.
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Re: how does this work?

Postby maree12 » Sun Jun 10, 2018 8:59 am

You say that you are 60, is your wife also about that age? Has she hit menopause? If so, sex is likely the last thing on her mind because she will not lubricate and therefor sex will be very painful, and certainly not something that is a turn on, no matter how much she enjoyed you in the past. I personally hate that we have to use a lube, but, at least it means that I will not end up torn, or grazed inside, and come down with thrush.
There is a capsule she could put up herself some time before sex, which will provide artificial lubrication, burt I cannot remember what it is called, I am sorry, your chemist or doctor will know, it does not require a prescription, but I had to have it ordered in for me, so not all pharmacies carry it on the shelf
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