very difficult subject

Okay so,

This is the most difficult topic I will be making ever in my life.

I've sat around for 14 years for this. And I still don't know if I can talk about this to anyone. It's a secret... I guess. But I can't even describe it. It's so sick.

I had a sexual experience 14 years ago which completely ###$ me up...

And it's basically the only one I've had as well. Which makes things even worse, potentially. If that's even possible.

I don't know if this could be triggering. But uhm... if anything can, this surely can as well. So I'll warn you. I have to go into detail to be able to fully explain how bad this is.

I'm a 35 year old male. And basically I've sort of had trouble with women throughout my whole life. I can like them, but if they like me back I'm out. And it doesn't even go sexually yet. It's just, interest.

It's like I'm afraid it can go too far.

But uhm... 14 years ago, I met this girl... and she did things differently. She started delibirately telling me her insecureness... And uhm...

Oh god this is so difficult.

It led me to fantasize about this girl, having sex with her. A couple of days later.

I did that once, and then I thought "no this can be better".

Because I thought this girl was up for grabs for me, and being 21 I wondered when I would have sex with a girl for the first time. I thought this was going to be it.

So I thought the fantasizing could be a whole lot better, cause this time things were for real.

Now there's some details involved here. Which I don't know if I should explain immediately.

But I did this fantasizing for a second time, and this time, I did it differently.

"I let myself go for the first time ever...", basically. No holding back. At least, not until the very last moment.

The point is, I walked away from sexual... like... talk with your parents. I thought it wasn't appropriate to talk about those things. So I walked off. Ashamed, sort of.

And when I first had an orgasm, I pinched it off basically. For anyone who isn't circumsized, this is a possibility. I didn't know what was going to happen, I felt like having to pee... however I wasn't around the toilet. So I pinched off my foreskin. And the sperm got caught... in within the foreskin. Or wasn't able to come out.

However I somehow always kept doing that, or there was other stuff about it being weird. And I never ever had allowed myself to let it flow... basically.

And this time around I took a small disposable towel for that. And placed it under me.

But the point is... well this is a one two punch I'm about to tell you, so there's not only a first point but a second one to...

This orgasm was coming up... and it took some effort... I even applied another trick here that I read somewhere, and that was to tickle your balls. Yeah, I said that. Whatever.

But then it was coming up and I was like "$#%^, but this isn't for real... hold up... wait..."
And it was too late.

There was a HUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEEE orgasm. That I tried to stop midway.

Lol, aimed downward, even gravity was involved. It was that bad.

It was like life flowed out of me. Like life itsself. And I was trying to stop it, making the whole ordeal eventually add up to the confusion that was about to follow.

I was like nooo........ and then it happened.

And there was no stopping it.

It was way worse than anything I had ever expected.

So take a moment there.

And then realize I was about to ###$ up the contact with her.

Making it a "not gonna happen, anyway".

-

Now...

Yeah. This is kind of what I was thinking about "explaining it".

There is some detail involved that I can't keep out of it cause it's so important.

But this is the first time I've been able to write this down even, even for myself!

I haven't been able to write this down uptil this point. I tried to. Many times.

But I wasn't able to grasp it. Overwhelmed by it, still...

Now 14 years later it might... work.

The point is, I really really abruptly lost contact with this girl.

And I went insane, basically.

I even think it must have been like hormones or something. Like bodily confused.

My mind knew what happened.

But my body was completely lost here.

And basically, this was the first step in me becoming schizofrenic.

And I've never... even...

I'm still a virgin.

This is so bad you know.

This is the summary. There's a bit more involved, not much. I lost contact with this girl, but in my desperation I tried "fleeing" to another girl. Which got the whole ordeal tossed to her... which is bad. But I didn't do anything to her... physically. Just send her too much messages. After which stopping, years later.

This was sooooo bad.

This was like an attack on my soul.

I couldn't even describe it.

I became psychotic for the first time...

But essentially I was just a wreck.

I think I knew what happened... I knew...

But I was so lost.

And I never got the...

Never got the right opportunity to recover...

I got a second psychosis, eventually... after refusing medication the first time around.

And things spiralled out of controll.

And the whole thing became incredibly tough.

And I've never even been able to get up to the same point anymore. In my life.

Like, everything went downhill from there.

And the only girls I saw from that point onward were... psychiatric help ones.
Which is impossible.

Now I'm at a point where... I might be giving up forever... to ever have sex ever... with someone I care about...

And...

This thing...

Had an incredible backlash as well.

And I never experienced anything like that anymore at all.
Because that was the whole thing about it... I felt like I had messed it up as well trying to stop it all in the end.

Maybe I should have just gone out completely. Not worrying about whether it was real or not.

But I never even... got a second chance.

It completely disappeared out of my existence... anything sexually...

It's so cruel.

You don't have a clue. I live with this thing.

And I've only now been able to explain it, ever.

Where do I go from here??

Depends. Where do you want to go?

Well it took very long for me to be able to communicate about this.

So it might take me really long to know what.. on forwards...

But maybe I'll update here when I know.