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I cannot have sex

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I cannot have sex

Postby exul » Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:11 am

Hello. I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but honestly I am so fed up with this that I'm probably doing this out of impulse. I know people here cannot diagnose me, but just knowing that some people might have the same experience is so comforting most of the times.

So, I cannot have sex. In every shape or form. I cannot masturbate either. I am more than fine with physical contact from anyone, it doesn't bother me a single bit; in fact people know that I'm a pretty warm person.
I changed 5 therapists in the course of my life; they all know about this, but they were never able to give me an answer or advice about this (not their fault, I'm confused about this myself). One of them thought I had borderline personality disorder, but it doesn't fit with a too long list of stuff, and she only knew me for 2 sessions, so I didn't bother going on that path.

I'll briefly describe here what happens when I try to actively follow my attraction towards someone (always male): I meet the person, and I like him. I feel attracted sexually (not necessarily romantically), and I fantasise about them. If the person doesn't like me back, I feel frustrated, but it's fine; nothing abnormal happens. We remain friends. If the person likes me back, the problem arises. If I manage to get with them, have physical contact with them that is not sexual, I'm usually fine. I feel good, except for a little anxiety (the anxiety never happens with people that are not attracted to me). If we go further (e.g. kissing), I start to feel bad. Really bad. I get nausea, anxiety attacks, and I am filled with fear and disgust afterwards. I cannot see the person anymore as they are, but I only see them as this 2D figure that just wants to hurt me and only follows his desires. If I am with the person when this happens, I start to dissociate so hard I forget that I have a body and I go limp. I cannot un-see this, unless I stop seeing and having contact with them for a while (days, weeks). Then I start to feel safe again.
I'll illustrate this with an example just to make this better understandable: I have a colleague at work. I am attracted to him, I fantasise about him. We are really just friends, but we get along pretty well. Recently I noticed he's being slightly warmer towards me, and he kissed me on the cheek for some reason (in our culture this is no big deal, but it's usually done for a reason, and not apparently out of the blue). I noticed small changes in his way of behaving towards me that gave me the feeling that he's trying to get closer to me (could be totally wrong, this is just how I feel). When I noticed it, I started feeling disgust and uneasiness. I felt on edge. I managed to make this go away because he didn't touch me or did anything like it, but I know it will come back if he does something again.

I'm telling this here because I keep having sexual dreams every night, and it's bothering me that my mind seems to try to tell me something. I know that sexual dreams are normal in the mornings cause of the REM phase being more present and all, but still I never had this many sexual (and frustrating) dreams.
I thought about going to a sex therapist, but I really don't know if that could help.

Thank you to anyone who read this.
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Re: I cannot have sex

Postby JP8451 » Wed Feb 12, 2020 2:02 pm

Hi Exul,

I think you should definitely go see a sex therapist. I think that they would be better trained to help you than a general therapist because they are specifically trained to address sexuality. It's kind of like when you go to a doctor--sometimes you need to see a specialist instead of a general practitioner because they have more targetted training. The sex therapist may be able to figure out what is happening to you and help you get past whatever it is. I wish you luck!
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Re: I cannot have sex

Postby CentralPerk43 » Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:15 pm

I know I can’t diagnose you but - have you ever tried being hypnotized? I ask because I wonder if there is something that has been repressed or behind this somehow? Generally, my experience of having anxiety comes with a whole lot of inexplicable events. My anxiety disorder does not start for any known reason. This said I tend to think that, if it did, there would be reason behind it. It seems your unconscious mind wants to be a sexual being... being sexual is fairly “normal”. You are not crazy or anything - but your anxiety is, in this case, kinda leading you on to something more to be unpacked - it’s probably a journey to find out why.
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