Hope this is the right forum to post this in. Has anyone else felt this way? And if so, how have you dealt with it? I'm afraid I don't have a very high sex drive and that no one will want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual. But I do have sexual urges and masturbate and get pleasure from reading porn. However it seems like I do so less than the general population and even when I masturbate I've never climaxed (at least I don't think I have).
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I have intimacy issues or something. Like, maybe I'm just scared of having sex? I mean, I guess I kinda am. I'm afraid of it hurting, I guess. I can't even get two fingers up my vagina, even one finger hurts and doesn't really feel all that pleasurable. So how am I ever going to accommodate a real penis? If/when I do have sex, I want it to be with someone special, someone I really really trust and am gonna marry. I'm not Christian, but I don't want to have sex with someone unless I really love and trust them. I play for keeps, lol. Still, if my problem is a fear of sex then I don't know why. I was never raped or sexually assaulted or anything like that. I was abused somewhat as a child by my older brother, but never in a sexual way. So I don't know why?
Anyway, I'm scared I'm gonna wind up forever alone because of this. It seems like everybody wants/needs sex to remain in a relationship. In our hypersexualized society, I feel very alone. It feels like there is no one else like me, though I know that isn't true. It's frustrating and sometimes I just wish I could be "normal" and have a sex drive like everybody else. Life would be so much easier. I wouldn't be awkwardly left out of conversations about sex or how sexy someone is. I have a therapist, but I haven't really talked about this with her. I've scratched the surface, but haven't really delved deep into it. She's not a sex therapist and besides I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with her. My mother tells me she was the same way when she was young, and that when I meet the right guy things will change, but what if they don't? I don't know. Any advice on this subject matter would be much appreciated.