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Scared of winding up alone because of lack of libido?

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Scared of winding up alone because of lack of libido?

Postby Roseredpinball » Sat Dec 28, 2019 9:29 am

Hope this is the right forum to post this in. Has anyone else felt this way? And if so, how have you dealt with it? I'm afraid I don't have a very high sex drive and that no one will want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual. But I do have sexual urges and masturbate and get pleasure from reading porn. However it seems like I do so less than the general population and even when I masturbate I've never climaxed (at least I don't think I have).

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I have intimacy issues or something. Like, maybe I'm just scared of having sex? I mean, I guess I kinda am. I'm afraid of it hurting, I guess. I can't even get two fingers up my vagina, even one finger hurts and doesn't really feel all that pleasurable. So how am I ever going to accommodate a real penis? If/when I do have sex, I want it to be with someone special, someone I really really trust and am gonna marry. I'm not Christian, but I don't want to have sex with someone unless I really love and trust them. I play for keeps, lol. Still, if my problem is a fear of sex then I don't know why. I was never raped or sexually assaulted or anything like that. I was abused somewhat as a child by my older brother, but never in a sexual way. So I don't know why?

Anyway, I'm scared I'm gonna wind up forever alone because of this. It seems like everybody wants/needs sex to remain in a relationship. In our hypersexualized society, I feel very alone. It feels like there is no one else like me, though I know that isn't true. It's frustrating and sometimes I just wish I could be "normal" and have a sex drive like everybody else. Life would be so much easier. I wouldn't be awkwardly left out of conversations about sex or how sexy someone is. I have a therapist, but I haven't really talked about this with her. I've scratched the surface, but haven't really delved deep into it. She's not a sex therapist and besides I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with her. My mother tells me she was the same way when she was young, and that when I meet the right guy things will change, but what if they don't? I don't know. Any advice on this subject matter would be much appreciated.
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Re: Scared of winding up alone because of lack of libido?

Postby avatar123 » Sun Dec 29, 2019 8:29 pm

This sounds like you are projecting your anxiety regarding sex onto your anxiety regarding relationships. They are kind of two different things. Sex helps in the formation of initial attraction and bonding, but it doesn't hold relationships together in the long term. Also it's not essential for falling in love, plenty of people do that without sexual contact.

So maybe focus on the relationship issue first, as the main priority. Then as sexuality arises in a natural context of a relationship, it will likely resolve itself in the natural course of things. Or if you need help with it, you can address that then. There are many way to give and receive pleasure in a relationship. What works for you both, is something you can work out with your partner.

Also I wouldn't hesitate to discuss these anxieties with your therapist. She can help you to learn to deal with them effectively, and move beyond them, but only if you allow her to help you. One of the saddest things is people who have an opportunity to be helped but hold back when they should move forward. So please don't fall into that trap. You can have future relationships to enhance the quality of your life, but that requires action on your part. Don't pass up an opportunity to act.
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