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SEX as a form of Self-Harm

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SEX as a form of Self-Harm

Postby DesperatelySearching » Mon Oct 07, 2019 5:00 am

**TRIGGER WARNING** : for sexual assault survivors, anyone struggling with self-harm or sex addiction.

I suppose this is the possibly the only place I can get this off my chest. I posted in other forums on Reddit and other sites looking for... i dunno, understanding? Help? To know I'm not alone? But unfortunately, I learned that posting what I'm struggling with was harmful to the others in the self-harm, sex addiction or sexual assault forums. I totally understand that which is why I often removed the posts shortly after posting.

I was victim of sexual assault. Actually more than once. Sadly, I never told anyone-- not friends, family or authorities. This wasn't healthy. I internalized and compartmentalized. And worse of all I had no real perspective on what had happened to me. I didn't consider it sexual assault. Outwardly, I was "totally fine", outgoing, lots of friends, smart, successful, attractive. Inside...when I was alone, I was struggling. I felt broken and didn't know why. See, since I didn't consider myself a victim of sexual assault then there wasn't anything to point to for me being secretly "crazy". The damage continued internally as, what I now know is PTSD, began to emerge and intensify and along with it something so much more damaging and embarrassing... the urge to self-harm.

Most of you might be familiar with or might, yourselves be struggling with a form of self-harm called cutting. Or you or someone you know might self-harm in some other way.

You might not be familiar with using sex to self-harm. Some sufferers might seek numerous partners to self-harm. Some, like cutters, seek out physically and emotionally harmful sex. I'm the latter.
Something will trigger me. Something that i might not even recognize as triggering. Something that makes me feel bad about myself. Then I'll feel it slowly creep in. Its a very strong urge. Its not desire. Its not horniness. Most times I either feel sad or feel nothing... except for this urge.

Now this is the part that's hard for me to confess. This is the part that's embarrassing because its hard even for me to understand. It makes me feel ashamed and unwilling to share with anyone. Because how could any female... ESPECIALLY a victim of sexual assault ever want THIS??

The urge is an overwhelming, all consuming, compulsive need to engage in sex that is rough/painful/degrading/humiliating. I know that many of you will stop here and think-- "oh, so she has a kink", "Everybody likes a little rough sex now and again", or "Yeah, totally get it. You're into rape role play/bdsm".

No. That's wrong.

People who are into rape fantasies or rough sex are turned on by it. It gets them excited. Its normal in the world of kink. Its meant for fun and a good time. Meant to give or receive pleasure in someway.

People who use sex to self-harm are seeking sex to experience the same trauma from their past even if it means getting into situations where in CAN happen again-- where they WILL be raped again. No role play. There's lots of reasons for this. I'd suggested doing a quick google search for "Sex as a form of self-harm".

Let me ask you... do you think someone who cuts does it for fun or because its like a good orgasm? Do bulimics puke for fun? No (or not that I'm aware of). Its done as a form of self-injury. Its usually done because the person is struggling internally. They are abusing themselves. The physical pain relieves the internal/emotional pain. I had issues with food in my past and it was always about a feeling of control during times in my life when things were chaotic.

Those who use sex for self-harm, like me, feel they deserve it-- deserve for sex to be painful and degrading. Its like confirmation for how they secretly feel about themselves. The feel they should be punished physically in a sexual way. There's no fun involved on my part. Just a compulsive need to punished. This is my form of cutting, hurting myself physically. Putting myself in harms way by getting into situations with guys whom I know--- lets be honest here, are likely to sexually assault me. To elaborate a little without being graphic...For example anal is painful, disgusting and degrading (in my opinion) and yet when i feel like this, anal is what I'm compulsively focused on because even with a nice guy who wouldn't think of harming me, anal (which is always painful) will satisfy that need/urge for harm.

Trust me, I know how @!@@@! up and twisted this confession is. This is something I am privately struggling with everyday to keep under control. But even now as I write this post I am disgusted with myself and so sadly I can feel that urge just beneath the surface. The urge telling me that I deserved what happened to me and deserve what happens to me in the future.

NOTE: This post is NOT an invitation for creepy DMs looking for a hookup. BUT I do welcome anyone to comment publicly or contact me privately with questions or your own experiences-- male or female. At this point, I'd just like to know I'm not alone.
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Re: SEX as a form of Self-Harm

Postby Snaga » Mon Oct 07, 2019 4:17 pm

A modly reminder that if you get any creepy PMs... you can report them so that the moderation team can see them and make a decision on how to deal with it. We don't tolerate sex trolls.
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Re: SEX as a form of Self-Harm

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Wed Dec 04, 2019 2:33 pm

Re-enacting trauma is unfortunate, and I agree, it's definitely different from a "kink."

I hope that along with seeking support in places like this, you also seek a qualified therapist.
*Someone who specializes in trauma because ones who don't can risk causing more harm..

EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy might be helpful in breaking up whatever emotional connection you associate with your form of self harm.

I posted this elsewhere:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3330499/

"At times, individuals actively reenact past traumas as a way to master them. However, in other cases, reenactments occur inadvertently and result from the psychological vulnerabilities and defensive strategies characteristic of trauma survivors."

"Many individuals re-create and repetitively relive the trauma in their present lives. These phenomena have been called reenactments."


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