by wc24x7 » Thu Jul 18, 2019 4:45 am
Your appetite for "forbidden" stimulation stems from your subconscious emotions trying to understand your young experience while being abused.
For years I had worked with special needs children, adolescents and young adults in the area of sexual abuse and neglect. One 5 year old child we had living in our Emergency Care Home, years ago, 1982/83 had been molested by her father. She in her young mind tried to understand everything about the abuse, its touch, smells, emotions, you know the drill.
She came away believing there was a monster in her house, and that her dad wasn't it. She had separated the one abuser into two identities. You are doing or have done the same thing.
You may have known your abuser, but your sexual energy is being reached by engaging mentally into the darkness you once felt. I was molested too by an older family member. I was nine, he talked me into sucking his cock with the promise of doing me. I had a blank idea of what he was talking about at 9 years old. I hadn't seen porn by this age, don't recall seeing anyone naked or acting sexually at all. I peed, but that was pretty much all the time I spent touching myself then.
But later in life at 55 when I did get with a man for the purpose of sucking his cock, I felt like I was in someway bringing to a conclusion what my cousin started back when I was 9, and this time I liked it, a lot!
You are where I was/am. You're not alone though, a lot of people do not like "normal" male/female intercourse and they haven't for many, many years. My grand parents didn't they thought sex was dirty, they adopted... stranger things have happened I am sure on this front.
Getting back to you, if you haven't sought out a counselor to help you with your sexual opinion of social-sex as being disgusting, you might want to. You may find that your opinion about engaging in the normal practice of intercourse will change and it won't be so disgusting to you. I wish you well.
Be safe, sane and adhere to the absence of the 3 D's, Drugs, Drama & Disease.