Hello,
First time at a place like this and hopefully someone will give me some advice.
I’m 30 years old and I find myself being bisexual.
I realised I am attacted to men at a very young age, but I’ve always had girlfriends and never had the courage to try something with a man.
One thing maybe to get started is I was always afraid I have a small penis compared to most of my friends.
Once, at a very young age, probably 9-10 y.o., I was sitting at home, watching some movie with a boy few years bigger than me (the son of a friends family of mine) and he grabbed my hand and put it in his pants.. I went to the sink few times to wash and then I was returning to the same place and he was doing it again. I don’t know how I felt about this.. it was quite weird and I’m not sure if I realised something before this...
I don’t know if he knew I’m like this and I have never told this to anyone, but it’s a memory that I’m often drawn back to. I have seen him few times over the years and I think he leads a double life, cause he is having a wife and a child, but he is always too kind with me and I thought he wants something more... I’m too afraid to make some step into this, nomatter how much I want sometimes...
I’ve had girlfriends from young age, as everyone was saying I’m beautiful and stuff like that and girls were always attracted to me, but I was afraid to get to the next level because I was ashamed of my size. I made sex with a girl for the first time at 18. I’ve never did it with a male, but I always watch at men’s bulges and fantasises about all the things related...
I’ve always had depression because of who I am.
My last relationship lasted for two years, but I was very jealous, because I was thinking my girlfriend is looking for someone better than me. We’ve had a good sex life - she was very pleased and even she wrote to her female friend that we are having a great sex. I thought this is the girl who will save me and make me not thinking about other men and having children and beautiful life, but the second year I started to be very attracted to men again as she was not what I expected of a relation and that made me very depressed. I ended the relationship, because I didn’t wanted to feel like this anymore, bc it was driving me crazy...
Now I’m trying to accept myself, but noone (except my female cousin and best friend (I told her last year)) knows I have other thoughts than straight and I feel it’s harder to tell with the years...
My parents are very conservative about this topic and I never imagined I could talk about it with them.
Sorry if I’m too much here and there, but I have so much to tell, that I didn’t ever told to anyone and I feel so confused and don’t know what to do...