Bisexual and how to deal with it...

Hello,
First time at a place like this and hopefully someone will give me some advice.
I’m 30 years old and I find myself being bisexual.
I realised I am attacted to men at a very young age, but I’ve always had girlfriends and never had the courage to try something with a man.
One thing maybe to get started is I was always afraid I have a small penis compared to most of my friends.
Once, at a very young age, probably 9-10 y.o., I was sitting at home, watching some movie with a boy few years bigger than me (the son of a friends family of mine) and he grabbed my hand and put it in his pants.. I went to the sink few times to wash and then I was returning to the same place and he was doing it again. I don’t know how I felt about this.. it was quite weird and I’m not sure if I realised something before this...
I don’t know if he knew I’m like this and I have never told this to anyone, but it’s a memory that I’m often drawn back to. I have seen him few times over the years and I think he leads a double life, cause he is having a wife and a child, but he is always too kind with me and I thought he wants something more... I’m too afraid to make some step into this, nomatter how much I want sometimes...
I’ve had girlfriends from young age, as everyone was saying I’m beautiful and stuff like that and girls were always attracted to me, but I was afraid to get to the next level because I was ashamed of my size. I made sex with a girl for the first time at 18. I’ve never did it with a male, but I always watch at men’s bulges and fantasises about all the things related...
I’ve always had depression because of who I am.
My last relationship lasted for two years, but I was very jealous, because I was thinking my girlfriend is looking for someone better than me. We’ve had a good sex life - she was very pleased and even she wrote to her female friend that we are having a great sex. I thought this is the girl who will save me and make me not thinking about other men and having children and beautiful life, but the second year I started to be very attracted to men again as she was not what I expected of a relation and that made me very depressed. I ended the relationship, because I didn’t wanted to feel like this anymore, bc it was driving me crazy...
Now I’m trying to accept myself, but noone (except my female cousin and best friend (I told her last year)) knows I have other thoughts than straight and I feel it’s harder to tell with the years...
My parents are very conservative about this topic and I never imagined I could talk about it with them.
Sorry if I’m too much here and there, but I have so much to tell, that I didn’t ever told to anyone and I feel so confused and don’t know what to do...

ybear wrote:I don’t know if he knew I’m like this and I have never told this to anyone, but it’s a memory that I’m often drawn back to. I have seen him few times over the years and I think he leads a double life, cause he is having a wife and a child, but he is always too kind with me and I thought he wants something more...

I want to clarify because it seems you might be veering into a correlation between bisexuality and sexual abuse that isn't true. I've never been sexually abused but I am bisexual.

ybear wrote:I’ve always had depression because of who I am.
My last relationship lasted for two years, but I was very jealous, because I was thinking my girlfriend is looking for someone better than me. We’ve had a good sex life - she was very pleased and even she wrote to her female friend that we are having a great sex. I thought this is the girl who will save me and make me not thinking about other men and having children and beautiful life, but the second year I started to be very attracted to men again as she was not what I expected of a relation and that made me very depressed. I ended the relationship, because I didn’t wanted to feel like this anymore, bc it was driving me crazy...

Most who are abused (gay, straight, bi, doesn't matter) feel this way. They feel like their significant other should be with someone better than them. You say she's bragging by writing to her friends about your sex lives. That should tell you alone that these feelings of inadequacy are unwarranted.

No one will save anyone from their sexual orientation. I'm sorry about the feelings that stem up but those bad feelings are from abuse not bisexuality. You need to separate the two to not let the awful feelings take over you. You can settle down as a bisexual with a partner of the opposite gender and have a good life along with having kids.

Having occasional sexual thoughts about the same gender isn't going to prevent that unless you make it into a monster from which you think you need saving. When that happens you'll ruminate over it, it'll turn you on then you'll feel bad for not accepting those feelings as natural. It's sexual abuse masked as sexual orientation, not the orientation being the abuse. You have to accept that occasional thoughts of the other gender are ok. It doesn't change who you are. When you focus on the thoughts as bad it magnifies them and makes them appear twisted as something bad.

In your previous relationship, it didn't change you into being "more gay" but you did get changed by feeling insecure which brought you back to old feelings of insecurity. Your orientation didn't start this obsessing about insecurity did.

ybear wrote:Now I’m trying to accept myself, but noone (except my female cousin and best friend (I told her last year)) knows I have other thoughts than straight and I feel it’s harder to tell with the years...
My parents are very conservative about this topic and I never imagined I could talk about it with them.

I've told people I've been with sexually and that's it. My parents are conservative too. I've never come out to my parents about my sexual orientation nor do I plan on it. If they're that conservative I'd wait and see if you were ever to get into a serious relationship with the same gender. The last gay relationship I was in was described to my parents as my "roommate"

ybear wrote:Sorry if I’m too much here and there, but I have so much to tell, that I didn’t ever told to anyone and I feel so confused and don’t know what to do...

Don't be sorry. It's often hard to relate and vent about being bi. I've been told by many that people actually swing more one way than the other by people who are experienced swinging one way nearly if not fully 100% more than the other...

In the end, it's more about accepting yourself no matter what.

I suggest talking with a therapist who is open-minded in regards to sexuality.

ybear wrote:I thought this is the girl who will save me and make me not thinking about other men

Big mistake that I think a lot of Bi men make, from what I've seen. Been there, thought that, found out nope, they don't go away. I think it unlikely that anyone can come along that will turn those thoughts off. They might go away for a time, but if bisexuality is your orientation, I don't see it being so easily turned off. A now defunt bi male forum I frequented was full of married guys who discovered that it don't magically make that itch go away.