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Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

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Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby Mroses » Mon Apr 09, 2018 8:30 am

I never want to marry, for too many reasons:I think people just care too much about looks (although, I look alright); I hate my family and upbringing; My parents never took me out, and never allowed me to play sports. Hence, I became unpopular in school and this destroyed my confidence; I wanted to become a dancer since I was 5 but my father flatly said "no" regardless that he could easily have afforded it (I probably would have later tried out artistic gymnastics); I have missed out on too many of life's opportunities and I am ashamed to admit to a new partner that I think my life has been boring; I was raped by a person who is now married, but his friends and family think the world of him (I am ashamed that I never took this person to court and am amazed that people can put on a "nice act" and fool others because of their humor); I wished I had lived a more adventurous, athletic and daredevil lifestyle; I wished I had studied more; I am still wanting to spiritually grow; I still wonder how much money I should give to charities and how much money I should spend on enjoying life; I think many people just settle for the best looking person that can offer them a "good time"; I think many people marry because they are scared to live alone; I think many people marry because their friends are married, or they want to look like a success in society; I think many people want to marry to prove they are not gay or to get their parents off their backs; I think many people get married to produce children who will look after them or continue in family dynasty; I am still discovering myself and want to travel (I've never been overseas); I think true love is practically impossible to find and most people are happy to settle, whilst I dread the thought of living with someone who might eventually daydream of living with a more exciting, successful or prettier person; I can have kids, but as I am 45 years old, I don't think it's not worth it; I think many men around my age are desperate to settle down and have a woman take care of them until they die; I will never put up with a man who belittles, screams at me, or tries to control me (I could not stand being bullied again); I believe in life after death and doubt most marriages could last that distance; I believe that I am not the best version of myself; I never want to marry someone because of their looks, I would be constantly second-guessing how much I truly love a partner and if his looks had any baring on my judgement of his personality (and I'd wonder how much he truly loves me); I wonder how brave or cowardly I truly am (can I always risk my life for my partner?); I wonder if I can 100% ever trust a man to travel overseas as much as necessary for work purposes, or allow him to regularly hang out late nights with his mates, without my need to constantly text him or hire a private detective; I think many people marry because they want to become independent and move out of home (rents are high where I live); I wish I were more intellectual, and need to read more books; and I am sure there are more reasons (if I put more thought into this post).
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Re: Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby Mroses » Tue Apr 10, 2018 7:19 am

Basically, I am saying that I am not happy with myself and my life. I am still trying to to discover myself. I highly doubt that true love exists for me in this lifetime. I think many people marry for the wrong reasons, and it is difficult to see through the lies.
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Re: Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby canadaman815 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:29 pm

I strongly believe that marriage isn't for everyone, and I commend you for not compromising nor wanting to marry for the wrong reasons. The reason the divorce rate is so high is that so few people put the thought or preparation into marriage that they need to and simply marry for many of the reasons that you mentioned, and it breaks my heart to see broken marriages. I understand that you've been through a lot of hurt on behalf of men, and I feel that if you do find someone you want to commit to in marriage, you will likely need to develop a strong level of trust with them first and clearly know the reasons why each of you are making the commitment, which is definitely a good thing.

Do you find that marriage is still one of your greatest inner desires, or does it feel like more of an obligation hanging over you? Do you think it would help to talk about your frustrations with a counselor of some sort? Hoping that understanding life becomes easier, and that you never compromise to shallow lies or pressure.
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Re: Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby Ella_GY » Thu May 17, 2018 7:18 pm

Nothing is 'normal'. That's just another word for 'statistically fashionable at present'. If you aren't fussed about having kids, can afford to live alone, don't want the huge expensive party, and don't care about what society expects of you (four major reasons people give), then I don't see any reason you should feel pressured to get married. Half of marriages end up in divorce these days. The other half may last until one or more of the couple dies of a heart attack, cancer or some other illness and leaves the other one living alone as a single person anyway. Then there are all the miserable, sexless, incompatible marriages that look great on the outside but are full of isolation and depression behind closed doors (I get approached by men in such marriages all the time). I'd be interested to know what the average amount of time spent 'in happy marriage' is these days. If you just want company, then I'd suggest it's much better to surround yourself with friends and get involved in the local community instead (where people are constantly coming and going and you'll always have new and old people to chat to). It's only those who completely isolate themselves that seem to suffer for it and you can do that with or without being married. Some of the most isolated and lonely people I've met have been married for years.

I recently had an aunt lose her husband after 50+ years of being 'happily married' and she is so used to having a specific person to rely on that she doesn't know how to cope as a newly single woman at 73. The change is too much for her. After 50 years of marriage they had both developed very clear roles in the relationship and were essentially one person. Since my uncle died she has had to relearn basic things that he always took care of (and so far has been entirely unsuccessful). I can't imagine what it's like to be so used to one specific person being there and then suddenly be on your own and unused to being independant. I can see why some people pass away soon after their husband/wife. The shock must be pretty horrific. I briefly worked in a care home when I was in college and saw a lot of such cases and it did change my opinion of marriage a lot. Even those who had children essentially ended up living as a single, childless person much of the time (some had family visit regularly, but even then they didn't live near by). At the end of the day it didn't seem to matter whether they had married or spent their entire life alone. They ended up in the same boat. The few lifelong single men/women I'd met actually seemed happier since they had had decades to develop skills and independence and didn't have to go through the trauma and sudden change of losing their partner. They were used to getting on by themselves and chatting to anybody in the world at random (something I am still working on myself).

That's obviously just focusing on the downside of marriage. For a lot of people the reward outweighs the risk. If you want children, then marriage is probably worth it for most people. There are still cases where a couple remains happily committed their whole lives and both live until old age together. But that's the perfect scenario and not one that I've actually experienced among family/friends/colleagues.

That's my very rambly way of saying do whatever you think is the most rewarding/least risky option for you.
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Re: Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby Snaga » Mon May 21, 2018 8:23 pm

What's normal? If you don't wish to be married, then you don't. Although I will say, if a person waits until everything is 'perfect', then it'll never happen- relationships are a gamble; they're messy; they have highs and lows. There's pros and cons to being in one, just as there is, in being single.
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Re: Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby RottenFish » Sun Nov 04, 2018 4:05 pm

More and more people in long-term relationships are choosing not to get married. Also, many of the younger generations think that marriage is out-dated and no longer the "cool" thing to do.

I've been in a happy relationship with a great guy for over 6 years. We both decided to never get married. We love each other dearly, but marriage seems like such an ancient ritual to us. No thanks.
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Re: Is it normal to NEVER want to marry?

Postby Cristaline » Fri Dec 28, 2018 8:22 pm

I don't want to get married either, maybe not exactly for the same reasons, but i can relate.
I do think lots of people get married ( or even just in relationships to get rid of their fear o loneliness, ( i do believe in love, just not for me/us. )
I hate it so deeply when people, especially family member, ask me when i am going to get white someone, my mother already told me things like " please tell me you like girls, ill be okay with it, but please get with someone, get married" and i was like.. wait, did she just beg me to like girls?! ( i am asexual)
people just don't get it

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