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Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

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Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby CrimsonKing » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:10 pm

SCHIZOTYPAL

Hi,
Just noticed this particular sub-category of "sexuality-related" topics and, reluctantly, decided to check it out and.....after quite a bit of hesitancy, post.

I'm going to be 45 in a month or so, and I am experiencing some sexual distress.

I have still to actually go on a date with someone, let alone find a woman who wishes to have any kind of relationship. I have NO IDEA what sex is like, am disgusted by pornography, and don't understand intimacy or how someone can caress another person's arm, or kiss, or hold hands.

However, I frequently (but not too often) cry myself to sleep at night, and occasionally long for somebody....ANY-BODY....literally.

People frequently tell me that I have "missed out" on life, since I don't understand the whole phenomenon of dating, or "having a girlfriend", or "getting laid" (UGH! what a horrible phrase!)

I often obsess about a woman's gentials, fearing that if I ever find someone who actually is sexually-attracted, I may come (pun intended) into contact with a stranger's bodily fluids (I'll leave it at that) or that her.....body part....umm, yeah.....might be all stretched-out or deformed. I often have horrible nightmare-like phantasies about this kind of stuff, foir a long period at at time, sometimes weeks at a time do I think about this bizarre paranoia.

NOT KIDDING HERE FOLKS!

I literally have NO friends with which to discuss this "issue", you might say.

Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance for any response.
"Throw out your gold teeth and see how they roll. The answer they reveal: Life is unreal."
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Re: Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby Wally58 » Sat Oct 14, 2017 1:48 pm

I didn't get married until age 46. No kids. Very inexperienced at the give and take of being in a relationship. Little in the way of baggage or wreckage in my life.
I also missed out on a lot of life. It all went by so fast. I went to school, I worked, I saved up and bought a house. The next thing I know is that I'm lonely and old too. :mrgreen:
You will likely be starting out at the level of adolescent dating, but of course at a bit more mature level. Remember the golden rule with a partner. Get to know them and become friends first. Ask for what you want in life.
Best of luck to the both of you. :D
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Re: Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby CrimsonKing » Sat Oct 14, 2017 5:25 pm

Thank you Wally! You seem like a kindred soul.

Yes, "adolescent dating"....I suppose that many of 'us nutjobs' out there over 40 and immortalized, satirised, and exaggerated in a famous comedy movie ......(and just exactly how many are there? How many would only ever admit to this turn of life-condition? Or only relegated to the schizophrenics and others?) would either feel-like or act-like adolescents when on our very first date....OH MY! the butterflies-in-the-stomach!!

"Adolescent" would sound about right. The question is, how many people are willing and patient enough to commit to an adolescent 45-year-old (or, in your case, 46)? Or even take it seriously? I've spoken with women who have actually broken up in laughter in response to a description of this.

Perhaps those among us might benefit and/or take solace from or to pay heed to Schopenhauer's famous comment that, "Women are like little children who have never grown up", or perhaps Freud's assertion that a man chooses a facsimile of his mother (or projected-maternal-image) for a life-partner. For us virgins, that would say quite a bit about the relationship we've had with Mom wouldn't it.

How old are you now and how long have you been in this relationship? Does your wife comprehend the conditions by which you "missed out"?? Does she even know your lonely past? I usually get treated with patronizing condescension, like a pathetic case, if a woman "finds this out".

How many times do people need to tell me that I "missed out" on such things? I may be naive/inexperienced/a perpetual "adolescent"/at-times suicidal.....but we're not stupid!
"Throw out your gold teeth and see how they roll. The answer they reveal: Life is unreal."
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Re: Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby Wally58 » Sat Oct 14, 2017 8:29 pm

I lived with my mom until I was 30. I am 59 now.
We met and got married in 2004, in fact our 13th anniversary is on Oct 17th. She had been married briefly before and has a 30 year old son. He has been a great help and I admire him. He sent me a Father's day card, which was very touching.
I was so used to my own independence and bachelor-hood, sometimes I resent being told what to do. I am adjusting to living with someone else. There are moments of regret and moments of joy. I have to remember that it is 'give and take' now.
You will suddenly find out that you have twice as much family, that can be good or bad.
We actually knew each other form high school and lived in the same neighborhood, but didn't hang out together. We met again at the wake of a mutual friend from high school and decided to meet for Chinese food. I was not very suave for dating. I wore my work clothes which I found out was a no-no.
We discussed marriage a couple of months after first reconnecting and decided 'why not'?
The house has received the 'woman's touch' and is more presentable now. I was just keeping it maintained and functional. It was a 'guys' house in all it's 1970's shag carpet and panelling decor. It is now fuzzy lampshades, ceiling fans, sconces, lace tablecloths and frills.
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Re: Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby CrimsonKing » Mon Oct 16, 2017 5:45 pm

Well, in that case, congratulations on a 13-year (!) marriage.

As far as i know, most marriages these days barely last 13 months, let alone as long as yours. Yes, living with mother. Yes, another similarity. I STILL live with my mother. But I tell myself that 1) she needs me (which she doesn't and has explicitly said as much) and 2) I am here because of the horrid love affair I had with opiates, heroin in particular. I [attempt to] convince myself that, if it were not for the addiction and all that accompanied it, I would be living on my own. However, I'm TERRIFIED to live alone (again, even if it was so brief last time 15 years ago), and BEING alone.

However, having done the research on these various conditions, and having seen the statements regarding the living conditions of persons who are given these diagnoses, I really have to wonder.

BTW, that's cool that your pad was all decked-out in 70s-style decor. I would liked to have SEEN that. Groovy.
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Re: Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby Edgaro » Mon Jul 09, 2018 1:15 pm

You need to adapt a pragmatic step-by-step approach towards resolving your personal issues. The first step is to practice your social interaction skills. Don't place undue stress upon yourself initially by imagining that each woman you interact with is a potential partner. Rather, just view the situation for what it is - mainly an exercise designed to hone your social skills.

You might want to try online dating, but please beware of the many scammers on dating sites. If any woman declares her love for you and you haven't even met in person yet, be assured that "she" is a scammer who will soon start asking you for money. The online communication should be looked upon as merely a prelude to a real-life meeting, and not a substitute for it.

As with trying anything new, the hardest part is taking that first step. The more social interations you have, the easier it gets. Try not to act desperate, because it is a definite turnoff. The "whole phenomenon of dating" with regards to a first date is mainly to put two people into a situation where they can socially interact and see if there is any sort of emotional connection between them.

There has to be chemistry between two people in order to start a relationship. Either it's there or it isn't. Remind yourself that any woman who rejects you is simply stating the obvious and is actually doing you a favor, rather than wasting your time by pretending to be interested. Be pragmatic enough to recognize the upside of any rejection, in that it frees you to continue your search for Miss Right, rather than wasting your time with Miss Wrong.

Good luck!
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Re: Not sure if this is the appropriate forum....

Postby Brelaxedhunny » Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:50 pm

First of all as a woman I can promise you're not going to deform or stretch a woman to the point of no return. Now to dating: it doesn't matter if you in your 20's, 40's, 60's you will still find "adolescent love". New love always feels giddy and fresh. The dating game sucks but you're in the "round 2" age. A lot of divorced women looking for a new love. You have to make a guideline for yourself- willing to date women with kids? Willing to still have kids? These are the things you should contemplate. Sex will happen naturally. You'll likely end up with a woman that is dominant sexually (not as in sub/dom sex, but in general). An experienced woman that needs to know she's still got it. Have fun out there buy stay safe.
Thank you for reading a part of the journey through my bipolar mind.
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